Page 1 of Jackson
1
Jackson
Her sobs had quietened as the room darkened. We were lying on her bed, and although it had been six months, her grief and anger still overwhelmed her. With every sob I’d listened to, my heart had broken just a little more. I had her wrapped in my arms; her head was resting on my shoulder and my t-shirt was sodden with her tears. Her breathing had deepened and I knew she had finally dropped off to sleep. Each night I’d lain with her, each day I’d sat with her. She was my best friend, but one I was in lovewith.
I breathed in deep the scent of her hair, the saltiness of her tears, and the pain she was going through. I wanted to turn back the clock; I wanted to absorb all her hurt but I couldn’t. Each day, it was getting harder and harder to conceal my feelings from her. As she turned in my arms to place her back against my chest, I curled into her. I wouldn’t sleep, I couldn’t. The feelings coursing through my body, hatred for her situation, love for her, and an overwhelming desire to fuck her, had my nerves on edge and my skin itch. For months, I’d been able to control my needs, but it was becoming more difficult. I had to make a choice, a very difficult one. I had to leave her, and that decision would destroyme.
I’d never loved a woman before; I thought I was incapable of that. The emotion needed to love had been taken away from me at a very early age. But the feelings she produced, feelings she was completely unaware of, were fucking with my brain, and I was getting dangerously close to revealing who I really was: one fucked up individual. One fucked up individual, who was about to get worse after receiving a text from someone I’d been hidingfrom.
I gently slid my arm from under her neck and rolled to the edge of the bed. Her alarm clock showed it to be early morning already. As I stood and looked down at her, I heard her murmur my name and a tear rolled down mycheek.
“I’m sorry,” Iwhispered.
No matter that my brain was telling my legs to move, for a moment my heart was keeping them still. Was I doing the right thing? I crept to the bedroom door and hesitated, taking one last look at her before I left. In my mind it wasn’t forever, I just needed to get my shit together. I needed to be honest with her and tell her how I felt, but I was scared it was too soon. I was terrified of her rejection and of tarnishing our friendship. If I couldn’t have her, the way I wanted, I’d take whatever she offered, but right at that moment, I was about tocombust.
Birds had started to chirp as I let myself out of her apartment door. The sun was slowly rising on the horizon and already the streets of London were busy. Partygoers made their way home, builders made their way to the many construction sites to get an early start, and even the early riser businessmen, making their way to offices, bustled along the pavement. It had rained earlier and the pavement was wet, the air damp, and the clouds above as grey as my mood. I turned up the collar of my jacket andwalked.
I sat at a window table in the all-night café I often frequented. The window had steamed up and I used my jacket sleeve to wipe clean a small area. I watched London wake up fully as I sipped on my coffee. I knew what I needed to do as I took my phone from my pocket. I scrolled to the number I wanted anddialled.
“Shit, Jackson, it’s five in the morning,” I heard, as my sister, Perri,answered.
“I thought you’d be at your desk by now,” Ireplied.
“No, not even for the love of protecting you and your money would I be at my desk this early. What’sup?”
“I need to go, I can’t stayanymore.”
“Okay, has he been incontact?”
“No, but I did get a…” I couldn’t finish my sentence as thoughts of him flooded mymind.
“It’s okay, you know I have bought a house, do you want to go there for awhile?”
“Yeah, I need a change ofscenery.”
“Where are you now? I can give you all thedetails.”
“Email them over, I don’t want you traipsing across London forme.”
“Do you have money, Jack? I can transfer some foryou.”
“I’m good, I have enough, just need someplace to stay until I decide what todo.”
“I’ll email the address now and details of where to collect the keys. Please let me send you some money, I worry aboutyou.”
“I don’t want it, Perri. I’ll get by, I always do. I have enough to get me there with a little left over, and then I’ll find a job. I’ll call when I getthere.”
I wanted to finish the call. As much as I loved my sister, she was a reminder of all that was wrong with me, and one of the reasons I needed to get out of the country. I screwed my eyelids tight, partly to block out his voice and partly to stop the tears fromfalling.
“Be safe, Jackson. Call me when you get there, promiseme?”
“I will, loveyou.”
As I walked back to my apartment, I was filled with dread. I checked my watch, Summer wouldn’t wake yet, and as cowardly as it was, I wanted to at least be at the airport with my phone off before she did. I felt like a complete shit for bailing on her when she needed me the most, but I had no choice. For her sake, and mine, it was time toleave.
My apartment was rented and sterile. I’d never felt at home within its stark white walls, devoid of colour. Had it been mine, it would have been decorated with my art. I packed what few belongings I had into a backpack and a small holdall, locked up the door and deposited the keys back through the letterbox. Perri would deal with it; she dealt witheverything.
I headed for the train station and purchased a ticket to Gatwick. I had no idea if I would get a flight, how much the ticket would be, or how long the journey would take. I didn’t care at that point. I’d blocked my life in the UK from my mind as I walked through to the ticket desks. American Airlines was the first I came to, and after a brief discussion, I purchased a seat on the next available flight toCalifornia.
