Page 9 of Cream and Punishment
And that’s how I found myself listening to Queen while holding one of the few dresses I owned in front of me on its hanger and spinning.
I was still technically cleaning since the dress needed to be hung up in the closet of doom anyway. I’d even managed to hang up two sweaters. And then I chickened out, which was why I was procrastinating with the whole dancing around toBohemian Rhapsodything.
But I digress.
I sucked in a deep breath, belting all the parts I could to the complicated song, and forced myself to hang up my current costume. Since Lex hadn’t come by yet, I could safely assume that court hadn’t let out, and Max’s apartment was empty. I could sing horribly to my heart’s content.
The song reached all the “Galileo’s” before I gathered enough courage to repeat the process and picked up the next dress from its resting place on the ground. The fabric of the sundress slid across the floor as it rose to freedom, revealing a brown, coiled, scaly form beneath it.
I screamed. A blood-curdling, from-the-belly, terror-filled scream that would’ve made a Banshee blush. I leaped away from the snake like an inebriated ballerina and ran for the living room.
A snake. In my apartment.
I couldn’t believe I guessed Max’s revenge plan right.
I shuddered, frantically moving picture frames off the couch for me to climb onto it without breaking the glass. The snake was probably hunting me right now. Snakes could smell fear, right? If so, I was a mountain of fresh bacon to its snaky little nose.
A weapon. I needed a weapon to defend myself. But what did you use against a snake? It wasn’t like I just had a pet mongoose lying around.
Note to self: invest in a pet mongoose.
So, what then? A shovel? Didn’t have one of those, either. I had plenty of kitchen knives, but there wasnoway in clam shells I was going to get close enough to the snake to use those. Where was a good, old-fashioned spear when you needed one?
A pounding on my door made my skeleton jump out of its fleshy prison.
“Dekker?” Max’s voice came from the other side, slightly muffled and definitely alarmed. “Are you okay?”
My soul nearly followed my skeleton, making a bid for freedom. Speak of the revenge-getting devil. If this wasn’t what I deserved, I’d be much more upset with him. If he got the snake in here, he could get it back out. I didn’t care what I’d have to do to convince him I’d suffered enough so he would. Maybe I’d have to sell him my soul. Whatever it was, I’d do it. Who needs souls these days anyway?
I leaped off the couch, basically doing high-knees in an attempt to keep one foot from touching the ground too long. If the snake wanted to bite my legs, I wasn’t going to make it easier for it. I may smell like cooked bacon, but it would find that this little piggy was still kicking and squealing.
I wrenched the door open, yanking him inside by his arm. “Get in! Get in, quick!”
He lurched from the sudden movement, stumbling as I dragged him across the threshold. “What’s going on?”
Now that he was safely inside, my courage abandoned me faster than I ghosted fitness pyramid schemers on Facebook. I squealed—suspiciously like the scared little piggy I was—and scrambled back onto the couch. I scanned the floor, tugging nervously on my oversized pajama shirt. Snakes couldn’t climb onto couches, right?Pleasedon’t let snakes be able to climb on couches.
Max watched me curiously, evidently unafraid of his scaly accomplice. “Are you…okay?”
“Noooo,” I moaned, switching from my shirt to my hair for my next victim. “Get it out.Please,get it out. Whatever it takes, I ambeggingyou. I know I had it coming, but I’m a different person than I was a year ago. I—”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down.” He held up a hand like I was a spooked horse. And no, I won’t comment on the accuracy of that. “What are you talking about? Get what out?”
As if he didn’t know. Well played, buddy. Leave it to the Fed to know better than to incriminate himself.
I pulled my curls straight in agitation, tugging on my scalp. “The snake! I saw it in my room with its beady, evil little eyes and it wants my blood. I’m not that young anymore, but I’m still too young to die! I still have to be Lex’s maid of honor and plan her bachelorette party, and I want to see a movie at the Redford and try whatever apastyis that all the Michiganders talk about and see Mackinac Island and—”
“Hold up.” He flashed a smile, eyes twinkling. Ofcoursehe was enjoying this. My comeuppance finally delivered. “You found asnakein your room?”
“Yes!” Was he not listening? I mean, sure, I was rambling. But still. He alreadyknewthere was a snake in here. “It was big and brown and was hiding under my dress to eat me and—why are youlaughing? I could’ve died!”
“You’re right, of course.” He struggled to control his smile, pressing his lips tightly into a line. He wanted revenge, but surely he didn’t want me todie, right? “Sorry. Uh, can you show me where the snake was?”
“Not on your life, buddy.” I folded my arms, my legs quaking beneath my pajama shorts. “I’m not going anywhere near it for all the money in the world.”
In fact, I’d just move again. To the North Pole or Antarctica or somewhere that didn’t have any snakes. Surely those places had a demand for bakers.
“Hmm, I see.” He scratched his chin, crossing the other arm over his chest as he nonchalantly paced. “So, you’re asking me to go into your room, alone, and try to find the snake which very well may have moved?”
