Page 49 of Cream and Punishment
“I’m not sure there’s anything worse than losing a loved one,” he admitted quietly, watching his water glass intently. “And I’m not sure if it hurts more if it’s because of a freak accident or a result of the choices they made. With one, you can’t help but wonder,whythem? But with the other, it’s hard not to accept responsibility for their actions.” He met my eyes, the corner of his mouth lifting the slightest bit. “Not that either reaction is helpful in any way, but I think it’s natural, regardless.”
“True,” I agreed, the lump in my throat preventing anything more from escaping. I didn’t have much experience with losing a loved one in an accident but based on how much it hurt losing Dominick unexpectedly, I could imagine the lack of closure could be overwhelming.
“I lost someone I cared about to drugs, but not in the same way you did.” Max sat back in his chair, temporarily forgetting about his half-eaten dinner. “My best friend growing up. He and I used to get into all sorts of trouble together.”
“You? Trouble?” I teased lightly. “Never.”
He smiled, jumping at the opportunity to lighten the mood, even for only a second. “I know, right? Hard to imagine.”
Honestly, it was. If I hadn’t seen his wicked grins and the mischievous gleam he’d get in his eyes, I wouldn’t believe him capable of being anything but a saint.
“But we were rascals,” he continued, his smile slowly fading as he shook his head. “And then he started hanging out more with the wrong crowd about the time his mom started dating his step-dad. Eleventh grade, I think?” His frown deepened. “It started with fairly harmless drugs, but it soon got worse from there.”
“Oh, Max,” I whispered, reaching to cover his hand with mine.
I’d been too young to really understand when Dominick had started down the same path, but I remembered finding a baggie in his room. And, boy, the Hellfire he’d unleashed on me for touching his stuff. This stuff in particular, he’d pointed out. Lex and I were to stay as far away from it as possible.
I think even then he knew what was happening, but it was too late to stop on his own. What started as an act of rebellion took over his life, and he didn’t want the same for us. It must have been terrifying, that span of time before he was completely swallowed by his addiction, yet still too hooked to quit. Knowing the cravings would only get worse until he couldn’t take it anymore and would get high “just one more time.”
I’d never gotten to thank him for trying to protect our innocence through all of that. I couldn’t imagine knowing all of what he was going through while he was going through it, like Max had with his friend.
Max rotated his hand until he could absently rub circles on mine with his thumb, his thoughts a thousand miles away as he stared at the table. “He tried to get me to join him, but thankfully I’d finally pulled my head out of my own butt enough to care about choices and consequences by then.” He smiled sadly. “I don’t think I tried to help him as much as you helped your brother. At the time, I didn’t know how. I just saw my best friend changing and slipping away before my eyes. I couldn’t join him, but I couldn’t save him, either, you know?”
I nodded. Unfortunately, I knew the feeling all too well.
“By the time I graduated, he’d been in and out of jail more times than I could count.” Max huffed softly. “He’s in prison to this day, I believe.”
“I’m sorry.” The words were quiet and devastatingly inadequate, but I had nothing else to offer besides my sympathy and understanding.
“Me, too.” He offered a small smile. “But, hey, he helped me know that I wanted to find a way to take down the problem at the root before anyone else could go through the same thing, so there’s a silver lining.”
I wrinkled my nose. “I guess so, yeah. It’s kind of a thin one, though.”
He laughed. “It ismicroscopic, my friend, but it’s still there.”
As he said the word “friend,” we both realized we still held hands. We stared at them for a solid two seconds, mostly in shock. He pulled away first, but I pulled away faster, as if that could reverse the embarrassment crawling up my neck.
He smoothly covered up the motion by using that same hand to grab his glass.Ismoothly covered up the motion by clutching my hand to my chest in indecision before sitting on it.Smoothly.
“Thank you for trusting me with this,” he said, his smile genuine and soft. “It feels good to talk about it with someone who understands. Kind of…cathartic, I guess.”
I blinked hard. “I agree. I think. I’m not sure whatcatharticmeans, but I assume it must be how I’m feeling right now?”
His smile widened. “It’s basically feeling better because you let yourself express strong emotions. That’s part of why crying helps you feel better. It’scathartic.”
“Oh.” It made sense, in a way. The hurt wasn’t magically cured, but it didn’t ache quite as deeply after confiding in him. “So it’s kind of like unclogging a drain in your brain?”
His brow dipped in confusion, though his smile didn’t waver. “Not an analogy I was expecting, but yeah.”
“And here my go-to for so long has been drowning my sorrows in ice cream. Turns out I just need to have a good sobbing sesh, huh?”
Max picked his fork up, ready to finish his food again. “I don’t see why you have to get rid of the ice cream.”
“You’re right. I can sobwhileI eat ice cream next time. Multitask.”
I was only half-joking. If it was a salted caramel ice cream, the tears might blend in. Nothing quite like misery to enhance the flavor.
“That’s the spirit.” He speared another fork full of salad and hesitated. “Really, though. I’m glad you invited me over tonight.”
