Page 46 of The Fated and the Damned
“If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were nervous,” Eszter whispered in my ear after the others had left and we had a little time between sisters. “The fierce protector, scared by a little ceremony and pomp.”
I rolled my eyes, scoffing at her remark. “When it’s your turn to marry Lukasz, I’ll be sure to say the same thing.”
She laughed, the sound melodious and soothing. Her presence alone was enough to calm the nerves dancing a jig in my stomach. Without her, I would have crumbled already or taken flight. I wasn’t a runner—my days of curling in on myself were long done—but this wedding business made me want to bolt like a wayward mare.
Between Mama’s fussing and the proud tears, followed by Margit’s fingers pinching at me with her finishing touches this morning, it had been an ordeal.
Esther must have noticed my downward spiral, and she bumped my shoulder gently. “You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. You can back out if you’re not ready.”
We both knew that wasn’t really true. My coven depended on me, and I’d come to see the people of Mistvellen as my own, too. We needed this marriage for the stability of the city. For allies and for hope. Besides, I was never one to back down from a challenge.
I tilted my head. “It’s not that I don’t want to marry Dante. It’s just ...”
“You wish it were under different circumstances,” Eszter surmised, nodding in understanding.
“I think I love him,” I blurted suddenly, pressing my fingers to my lips as if I could take it back. Because I hadn’t really had the time to dissect that, not to mention him telling me he loved me. Those words from his lips meanteverything, but I was still scared. There was still work to be done on our relationship—a lot of work that couldn’t be solved by sex alone, not that I was complaining. But a girl can hardly think when she’s getting fucked so hard her brains get scrambled.
Eszter’s eyes widened. She looked at me so long I felt like an artwork being scrutinised for its line work. “Why do I get the feeling that scares you?”
“I …” A lump I couldn’t seem to swallow caught in my throat. My lips worked, but nothing came out. Did it scare me? Yes. I was fucking terrified of this feeling. So many secrets, so many lies—not just from Dante, but from Mama and Caitlin too. It had all been so messy, right from the very start, and gods damned was it daunting to offer all of myself to someone and risk being hurt again. It hurt too much.
Eszter held my shoulders with surprising strength. “Listen to me Kitarni. Everything you’re feeling is valid. There is freedom and strength in being vulnerable. Your fears are like any other demon you might face, and I have every confidence you’ll conquer them.”
Tears welled in my eyes. “What if I can’t? What if the very thing I’m afraid of happens?”
She shook her head. “If you think like that, you’ll always live in fear. If you know love, you’ll never be alone. If you never try, you’llalwaysbe alone.”
Kind of cryptic, but her words made an awful lot of sense. “I need to start loving myself more, I think,” I said with a breathy laugh.
“A perfectly sensible first step. And maybe, just maybe, you can let the handsome lord love you too.”
The golden strands in her brown hair gleamed in the sunlight streaming through the open arches in the room, and I tucked a curl back fondly. “Eszti, when you marry Lukasz, I’ll have every authority to give you the best fucking wedding this city has ever seen.”
She laughed. “One sister at a time, all right? Now get your big girl pants on and let’s go before you ruin your makeup.”
I blew out a breath as I laughed, shook my fears away, and opened the doors to my future.
TWENTY-ONE
Dante
Whenthedoorsopened,my heart skipped a beat. My warrior witch, my feisty hellcat, looking like one of those Christian angels as she walked down the aisle in a dress fit for a goddess. My goddess. She looked nervous, the pulse in her neck fluttering as she looked around at the crowded chamber, taking in the heavy stares of judgemental eyes.
I willed every inch of encouragement into my gaze and, when our eyes met, I smiled at her softly, throwing in a dimple for good measure. She took in a breath and the world melted away, nothing but the two of us in a sea of nobles, sailing to our own tempest.
Her eyes brightened and that’s when I knew I had her. Her back straightened, her chin lifting high as she walked down the hall. Kitarni was always a vision, but today, with that gown, the determination in her eyes, she seemed unstoppable. She was already every inch the lady of Mistvellen and now she’d prove it to the world.
When she came to a stop next to me, I let my knuckles brush her own, the gesture feeling somehow more intimate with everyone watching, the touch eliciting a small gasp under her breath.
She looked me over approvingly, her gaze taking in the dove grey tunic beneath the black and silver doublet embroidered with wolves, my swords sheathed at my hips. She preferred me in black, I knew, but this was a wedding, after all.
Silence washed over the vast chamber and we knelt on velvet cushions before the officiant, our heads gilded in golden rays of sunlight beaming through the many slitted windows.
Out of the corner of my eye, I watched Kitarni. The tautness to her jaw and the sadness lining her eyes made my heart pang. For duty and kingdom, that’s why we were here. I wanted to give her more than this. I wanted to gather every stone and star in the world and lay them at her feet, for she deserved nothing less than everything.
One day, after the war was over and the eyes of allies and enemies alike were fixed elsewhere, I would give her a reason to smile, not just on special occasions, but always.
It was only months ago that we’d first met, and yet every breath that escaped her lungs, every quirk of her lips and beat of her heart, I knew. I loved this woman more than anything and, regardless of our past, she belonged with me.To me. I knew it as surely as the beating organ in my own chest.
