Page 74 of All You Need is Alien Love
“Behold my unparalleled genius, my friend! Adeline walked right into our trap when she accessed the mainframe in Alliance HQ, just as we expected. She uploaded data to her vessel’s mainframe, which then allowed my ship’s system to gain access to it.”
My eyes widen. “So that’s why you wanted to sync the Alliance computer program with your ship?”
“It was part of the reason. Now that I have access to her system, I can also infiltrate all connected ships’ systems.” He cackles in a rather good impression of an evil supervillain.
I frown. “How?”
“Everyone here works with or for Layne Madison. At the very least, they have to share a communication channel with each other’s vessels to coordinate their attack. Normally, such channels are difficult to infiltrate. However, they didn’t think about the fact that they’re dealing with a Zelitine. Fools! Hacking their communication channel was a breeze. I am certain Mr. Jeff Goldblum would be most impressed.”
Nirblobreallytook a shine to the actor after watchingIndependence Dayand thenJurassic Parkwith me. Not that I blame him.
I grin. “You’re a total badass, for sure.”
Nirblob’s chest puffs out with pride. “Indubitably. And now, with one flip of my GLITCH switch, I will disable all of their landing vessels. The program will infiltrate and take over their main operating systems, as well as the ones linked to their larger ships in orbit around the planet.” He rubs his tiny, gloved hands together with glee. “In no time at all, they will be dealing withthe most frustrating series of error messages and blue screens they’ve ever encountered.”
For a weird moment, I feel like I’m Pinky and he’s The Brain.
Doing his own impression of a drumroll, Nirblob lifts one finger and presses a button on his transmitter.
The wind blows, sending a chill with it in the cold desert night air.
I glance around. “Uh, was something supposed to happen?”
Nirblob pulls out his holotablet and studies the holoscreen for a moment before nodding to himself. “My GLITCH switch worked perfectly. Alas, its sheer magnificence operates on a less visible level to the naked eye. Believe me, our opponents won’t be able to escape via any vessels within a twenty-mile radius.” He chortles to himself. “I’m a collector of obscure and outdated Earthling technology. I based GLITCH on an infamously terrible and primitive computer operating system called Windows Vista.They won’t know what hit them!”
He preens some more and I pat him on the back. “That’s downright devious. Vista sucked ass and crashed all the time. Lord Vardox would be impressed.” Nirblob beams, stars in his eyes. “And I’m proud of you for upping your acronym game as well. GLITCH switch is an epic name!” We high-five again because how can we not?
“Excellent work, Nirblob. The Alliance thanks you. We’ve now cut off their avenue of escape,” Ellie says, striding forward, eyes on the base. “Let’s go help the rest of our team. My tracking device shows Kai is somewhere close by, so let’s move fast. For now, we’ll split up into pairs. Mal, you’re with me. We’ll take the front entrance. River, you and Nirblob enter through the back.”
Handed our marching orders, Nirblob and I circle around the back of the base, creeping quietly along the side of the building while on the lookout for baddies.
From here, I can hear even louder sounds of battle inside, and I cross my fingers and toes for the safety and well-being of all of our friends and family who stepped up to fight for the Alliance—and for the very fate of humanity on Earth.
I’m still so moved by how many of my extraterrestrial friends are risking their lives and protecting the planet that has now become their home. Even though humans are not quite ready for aliens living among them, those who have sought refuge and new lives here on Earth still see promise in our species and the future ahead of us.
Granted, not all have had positive encounters and interactions with humans, but many have made friends and found connections with some of the better members of the human species, and that seems enough for most to want to help us.
Several hundred yards away from the back entrance of the base, we’re met by Fuckface Fabio and his six-man crew of what looks like intergalactic mercenaries.
“I knew you’d come,” Fabian crows with satisfaction, a manic gleam in his eyes.
As Evan would say, this pendejo es muyloco.
It’s time I deal with him once and for all.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Spill the TEA: Trustworthy Earthling Advice
Issue 11
Hello, friends! Do any of you meditate? Or have any other suggestions for dealing with stress? I’ve got more than my share lately and I need to relax. And yes—I have tried sex, but that can’t be my go-to option at all times, especially when I’m working. Send me all your best relaxation techniques and strategies, please and thank you!
Now, onto our fun focus of the day… dressing up to go play with our friends!
Dear Dr. TEA,
I have made some new friends at my work, a small company where we design video games for consumers. Humans are so inventive with the ways in which they endeavor to tell stories across platforms and modalities! Granted, Earth technologyis still primitive compared to that of my own world, but I enjoy the challenge of working within the constraints of what currently exists here.
