Page 81 of All You Need is Alien Love
She arches an eyebrow. “I take it you and your Terminator tentacles whooped Fabian’s ass?”
“You bet your sweet ass I did,” I say with a grin. “We left him unconscious outside and his mercenary goons paralyzed by Groxil slime.”
She high-fives me and I survey the scene around me again.
“Things were a bit dicier a little while ago,” Aiden says. “More of the enemy’s support teams kept arriving, and we were getting worried we might not have the numbers to handle them.”
Roxy nods. “But when that suddenly came to a stop, we were able to start turning the tide.” She frowns. “Surely they have more people on their ships in orbit? I’m not sure why they stopped sending more down here.”
“I don’t care why they stopped, just so long as they don’t start up again,” Aiden offers.
That’s Nirblob’s cue to cackle with glee. “Fear not, my pheromone-laden friend. I have taken care of that little problem.”
Aiden gives him a skeptical look, but I shake my head. “Trust me, Nirblob has hit them with a serious computer whammy that’s fucked up the operating systems of all their vessels. He’s definitely saved our asses, big time.”
One thing I struggled to find a solution to in our unwinnable Kobayashi Maru-esque scenario was if they outnumbered us in a way we wouldn’t have a hope of responding to. But Nirblob found the answer for us.
I may have given him the initial kernel of an idea, but he became the actual James T. Kirk of our group, using his own skills to infiltrate the computer systems of their ships and takecontrol of everything. It isn’t something I think any of the rest of us could have hoped to accomplish without him.
Thank the galactic gods for that big brain of his—and the fact that he’s on our side! Oh, and showing himIndependence Daytotally inspired him with the whole GLITCH thing, I’m certain. I mentally pat myself on the back for that one!
“We’ll tell you all about it later,” I hasten to add. “Right now, I need to try and find my boo. You guys stay in position here while Nirblob and I check on the others. Cover our asses if you can.”
“Aye, Captain,” Roxy says with a smart salute and a cheeky wink, and I’m reminded yet again how much I fucking love my crew.
“Team ANAL for the win,” I reply, pumping my fist in the air triumphantly.
Keeping to darker corners, Nirblob and I infiltrate deeper into the base where the more serious fighting is still happening. The closer we get to the front entrance, the more intense the battle situation gets.
It doesn’t take long for us to discover more than a dozen Vroknu warriors
fighting our comrades. The fighting is close-quarter and fast enough to give me whiplash, so much so that our Slime-O-Matic Paralyticators are too dangerous to use here. The risk of hitting one of our own with friendly fire is far too high.
We pocket the weapons and Nirblob quickly hands me the supersecret weapon he designed for me to go up against our fiercest opponents—the hostile Vroknu invaders.
A great warrior I am not. Sure, I kicked Fabian’s ass, but he’s no hulking Vroknu killing machine trained in battle since his youth. The forces we’re up against are precisely that. We all agreed I didn’t stand a chance against them with an ordinaryweapon. I needed something for close combat that could give me an edge when I’m not an epic sword master.
Thus was born the Lightsaber Dong of Doom 2.0.
I hold my slim, but lengthy, phallic-shaped weapon aloft by its lightsaber-inspired hilt. Nirblob salutes me with his.
“Ready, amigo?” I ask.
He nods his enormous bobble head, and with a whooping battle cry, we storm into the fray, our weapons raised and ready to kick ass. Because we’re super cool badasses, and we’ve watched a lot of epic action movies.
I make a well-timed jab at the Vroknu attacking Lu-Ren. His eyes widen at the metal phallus coming at his face and that’s when I hit the button on the hilt of my weapon.
And give him a Groxil slime facial.
He freezes and falls to the ground with a loud thud. Down for the count.
I stroke my weapon proudly. “Nice work, partner.”
Lu-Ren hurries to join us, panting from their battle. They use a lean arm to wipe sweat from their forehead while the other maintains its hold on a deadly extendible baton with scary-looking blades at both ends.
“Good timing, River. That guy was proving difficult for me to handle by myself.”
“My pleasure. Let’s go help the others.”
