Page 78 of All You Need is Alien Love
Fabian holds a hand to his cheek, shocked.
“You totally deserved that, by the way. That was for me and Kai.”
Fabian sputters in indignation but then he blinks owlishly a few times and sways on his feet.
I need to put an end to this farce and fast. Fabian may have proposed the duel, but now that I know he’s under the influence of whatever narcotic his boss gave him, I don’t intend to drag this out. Fabian’s probably not going to last much longer anyway, and I’m worried he might actually get himself killed. I hate him, but not enough to end his life.
Seizing my opportunity, I finally decide to go on the offensive.
I manage to knock Fabian’s knife out of his hand while he’s standing there stoned and somewhat stupefied. When another of his tentacles comes at me, I lash out with my own knife and sever the tip, which falls to the ground.
Fabian shrieks in pain and pulls his injured tentacle to his chest. “Ahh! You’ve maimed me!”
I scoff, my memorization of the entire Monty Python and the Holy Grail movie finally coming in handy. “’Tis but a scratch,” I say in my best Black Knight impersonation. “Just a flesh wound.”
He clutches his injured tentacle like a pouting child. “Easy for you to say. I’ve been disfigured!”
I roll my eyes. “I know how this works, dude. Stop whining. It’s already stopped bleeding, and it’ll grow back.” At least his unhinged attack mode seems to have been deactivated.
Just when I think I’ve knocked some sense into him, Fabian narrows his eyes and gives an almighty roar, then charges at me again.
“Clothesline!” I call to Nirblob, who understands me perfectly. One of my sturdy mechanical tentacles immediately whips out and clothes-lines Fabian, sending him flying before he crashes to the ground.
He lies there dazed for a second, and I spy my opportunity. While my new tentacles restrain his, I kneel on his outstretched arms and hold my blade to his throat. He stills.
“You’ve been disarmed and defeated, Fabian. It’s over. Give it a rest.”
He closes his eyes and turns his head away. “Go ahead and kill me then.”
“Oh, for the love of—Come on, man! Can you get any more emo and pathetic? You’re too old to be in your My Chemical Romance era.”
He scrunches up his face in disgust. “Just put me out of my misery.”
I sigh. “Get a grip. I’m not gonna fucking kill you. I don’t hate you enough for that. Besides, you’re not thinking clearly right now with whatever shit you’ve taken. I’m not a big enough asshole to take someone out who’s high as a kite.”
He opens one eye and squints at me. “Didn’t I hear you defeated Shilgar the Deadly? I thought you’d be more… ruthless.”
“Yeah, about that… uh… never mind. Let’s just say my mom gets a little testy with anyone who tries to kill me. Me? I walk on the Light Side of The Force, not the Dark.”
Nirblob pipes up with perfect timing. “The duel has ended, and the victor is River Sullivan—aka KirklovesSpock4eva!”
The waiting mercenaries shift awkwardly on their feet, clearly unsure what to do now. But I don’t have time to deal with Fabian and his foolishness, let alone these tools.
I stare down at this pathetic man and find I feel rather sorry for him. “When you wake up, I hope you have a new outlook on life and choose to put the past behind you.”Once you detox from whatever fucking drug you’re on, I’m sure things will look a lot brighter than they do now.
“Screw you,” he grits out between clenched teeth.
“Nirblob,” I call out sweetly. “Set tentacles to stun.”
“Aye, Captain,” he chirps back merrily.
I can’t help but feel smugly satisfied, and appropriately avenged, when one of my tentacles zaps Fabian and he passes out at last. Poor guy was barely hanging on. I’m a nice young man. However, fuck with me or mine, and you’ll learn that I have a mile-wide petty streak, and I know how to use it!
Before the mercenaries can respond, Nirblob whips out his Slime-O-Matic Paralyticator, pending intergalactic trademark. It’s basically a modified version of a high-tech paint gun containing Groxil slime balls. In other words, super fucking cool!
Nirblob gleefully shoots the hapless mercenaries—Fabian definitely must have gone for the dirt-cheap variety when he hired these fools—and they stand frozen by the paralytic slime.
I get to my feet and Nirblob and I high-five.
