Page 76 of All You Need is Alien Love
Fabian throws his head back and laughs contemptuously. “Ha! I don’t need any of them.” He shoos them off as we both move farther away from the base itself. “Do not interfere with our formal duel.”
We walk over to a large and mostly level expanse of desert floor, then take our positions about ten feet away from each other.
“Let me make sure I understand the rules of this duel,” I say. “You and I fight mano a mano with only our appendages and one weapon, a blade of some kind. Did I get that right?”
Fabian crosses his arms. “That’s right. We will each use the ceremonial Zha’tekh blade.”
I unzip my jacket and fling it to Nirblob, who stands at the ready a short distance away. “Let’s do this thing.” I gesture toward my mechanical tentacle arms. “I presume these are acceptable, given the circumstances?”
Fabian’s eyes go wide. “What the fuck are those?”
Nirblob covertly powers up my Doc Ock-style tentacle harness and the arms undulate in the air around me in all their mechanized majesty.
I seriously wish there was a mirror handy because Isowant to see how awesome I look with these bad boys. As I watch the tentacle arms move in the air around me, I come to a decision. I’m totally going to convince Nirblob to let me keep them. They’re so epic theymustbe mine. I’ll make sure he gives me the remote too. I need to learn how to operate these babies on my own.
But for now, I concentrate on the beatdown I’m going to give Fuckface Fabio.
“They’re my tentacles,” I say nonchalantly. “It’s pretty standard to use them during most formal Iyaran events, isn’t it?”
Fabian sputters. “But those aren’t real tentacles!”
I shake my head sadly. “According to Iyaran law, they are perfectly acceptable. Am I right, Nirblob?”
Nirblob whips out his holoscreen tablet device. “You’re quite correct, River. According to Iyaran Intergalactic Civic Code, subsection 2957B:In compliance with intergalactic accessibility regulations, all formal Iyaran rituals and ceremonies allow the use of prosthetic tentacles or other relevant physical aids for formal participation.”
Fabian seethes.
Didn’t think I knew about the Iyaran Intergalactic Civic Code, didya?
Coincidentally, Kai and I had to check it when we applied for permission to do our Sanctioning Ceremony. Talk about coming in handy right now. This is totally further proof that thereareTime Lords in the universe and they’re secretly helping little old me out, I’m certain of it.
I put a hand on my hip and cock it. “Don’t tell me you’re scared of my lil’ mechanical appendages?” I narrow my eyes. “Or were you thinking you would be able to have a physical advantage over me, deliberately trying to skew things in your favor from the start?”
Fabian growls in obvious aggravation. “Fine. Have it your way.” He sneers. “Besides, your fake tentacles can never beat the real thing.”
On the heels of that declaration, four of his purple tentacles burst through the fabric of his shirt and wave angrily in the air around him. Unlike Kai’s cuddly, sensual appendages, Fabian’s are clearly just as hostile as he is.
Nirblob steps forward and with a serious bow hands me a sheathed weapon. “Commander Ellie asked me to share with you should it become necessary.”
“Thanks, man.”
Carefully, I wrap my right hand around the grooved handle of the weapon. Pulling the sheath off with my free hand, I reveal a single, straight-edged blade with a faint triangular point at the top.
My fingers brush against an indent in the hilt and two curved secondary blades protrude from the base of the primary blade.
I inhale sharply. “It’s a freakingd’k tahg.”
“A what?” Nirblob asks.
I turn it over in my hand, admiring it. “A Klingon warrior dagger. Not as deadly as amek’lethor as big as abat’leth. Those were bigger, sword-style weapons.” I can’t help but marvel as I look at it. “So freaking cool.”
Right now, I’m also hella glad I did all that weapons training with Zamir in the past month and a half. It’s made me much more comfortable using such tools, but I do fully recognize how lethal this knife is.
It’s clearly designed for close-combat slashing and stabbing, and from the deadly intent written all over Fabian’s face, I have no doubt he’s going to try his damnedest to kill me once this duel starts. Meanwhile, I’ll be aiming to simply incapacitate the idiot, per Alliance protocol.
I sigh and fight back a groan of self-pity. My task is obviously the harder one here.
“Such is the burden one must bear when one walks on the Light Side of The Force, young Jedi,” I remind myself. Then I give Nirblob a meaningful look. “Ready?”
