Page 42 of All You Need is Alien Love
I can’t help it.
My laughter echoes loud and clear throughout the base as I struggle to catch my breath, wiping at tears.
The sign reads in large, glittery multicolored letters:
One day down, two more to go,
I’m so horny, I’m about to blow!
I know we can do this, and I don’t mean to brag,
But we’ve got this ceremony in the bag!
There’s no one in the universe who can hold a candle to River Sullivan.
And he’s all mine.
CHAPTER TEN
Spill the TEA: Trustworthy Earthling Advice
Issue 6
This column is on FIRE!!! Thanks to all my new intergalactic subscribers and my extraterrestrial friends already here on Earth. I can’t wait to help you with your most pressing questions and concerns!
Here’s our query of the day… the time-honored Earth tradition of spying on your neighbors!
Dear Dr. TEA,
I’m currently living in fear that my elderly next-door neighbor is a serial killer and is targeting me as her next victim! I know, it sounds far-fetched but let me explain.
I recently moved into a typical American neighborhood within a reasonable distance of my office job. Many movies and television “sitcoms” (although I still find that namemysterious) painted a picture of suburban life as wholesome and happy. I was eager to experience this for myself, especially after fleeing my own war-torn planet to make a better life for myself.
A few days after moving into my home, my ancient-looking next-door neighbor showed up with dead vegetation to “welcome me to the neighborhood.” I was worried but didn’t panic. I thought perhaps this was simply a show of dominance, as she is most certainly the oldest and thus most powerful person on the street. I took the gift and lifted my shirt to display my stomach to defer to her higher status, as is only proper. She told me, “Nice abs, sonny. I’m gonna fatten you up and put some meat on those bones,” and then returned to her lair.
By this time, my concern was starting to mount. It didn’t help that, around the same time, a female coworker introduced me to the Lifetimetelevision network.
Dr. TEA, I’m starting to think that all I believed to be true about suburban life is a lie! Instead, beneath the cheerful facade lies mystery, mayhem, andmurder! And (possibly) cannibals!
Two days later, “Edith” (as she calls herself) came back with some kind of pie that had a dead creature in it that smelled quite offensive to me. She called it “Shepherd’s Pie.” My species is herbivorous by nature. Naturally, I had to look up the creature in the pie which I discovered looks suspiciously like a species distantly related to my people when alive. I placed this death pie in the freezer to keep as evidence of poor Shepherd’s untimely demise. What other purpose could Edith be “fattening me up” for besides killing and eating me?! After all, she has said on more than one occasion that I’m “delicious enough to eat.”
While I was still trying to decide what to do after such a terrifying move, she waltzed over again and boldly asked me to return the dish. This sent me into a panic. I can’t let her know I didn’t eat poor Shepherd, but she’s soon going to realize her efforts to fatten me up have failed! What should I do? I stalled for time, but now I’m on the brink of deciding to cut and run in the dead of night. Help!
Yours Truly,
Scared Shitless in Suburbia
Dear Scared Shitless,
Wowza, you’ve had a time of it, my friend. First of all, pump the brakes a bit before you send yourself into more of a panic. Despite what the Lifetime network likes to tell us, there just aren’t a lot of old-lady serial killers—let alone cannibalistic ones—out there. I think this is simply a series of intercultural and interspecies misunderstandings. Let’s examine your evidence, shall we?
Cut flowers are a common gift among humans for many occasions. They are technically “dead” as you noted, but the appeal is in enjoying their beauty inside your home for a short time. Also, while your neighbor Edith is probably the eldest resident on the block, that doesn’t make her the alpha or dominant in any way—except maybe when it comes to gossip or looking out the window and knowing everyone’s business. Unless she’s the head of something called the “HOA.” If that’s the case, then proceed with caution. She may make you want to murderherat some point while you live there.
But I digress.
Making a food offering to a new neighbor is also quite common and considered a friendly gesture. While it wouldbe considerate to ask if someone is a plant-based eater before giving them food, there are people who gift food first and ask questions later. I’m sure the animal used was only coincidentally similar to your relatives back home, and it’s important for your mental health going forward to realize that humans are predominately omnivores. So, meat will be consumed in front of you a lot, not to mention on display at the grocery store. Also, “shepherd’s pie” is a meal that was eaten by people who had the occupation of a shepherd. No one named Shepherd was murdered to make the dish.
Here’s my immediate advice. Toss out the frozen meat pie, clean the dish, and return it to your neighbor. Thank her for the kind gesture, but let her know you’re actually a vegetarian so you shared her dish with your coworkers instead. When you’re ready, throw a house-warming party and be sure to invite her. I’m sure she’ll be pleased as punch, as elderly humans can often have smaller social circles and can enjoy more opportunities to interact with others.
