Page 33 of All You Need is Alien Love
Here’s our letter of the day. It’s a long one, but context is important, so buckle up! …
Dear Dr. TEA,
A human friend of mine recently asked me to accompany them to their family home in the American Midwest for a funeral. I wanted to support them in their time of need, but I’ve never traveled outside of Las Vegas before. The dialect ofthis region is most fascinating, and there were some unusual expressions I’m still trying to make sense of linguistically. Like “Oof-dah,” which seems to be a sound as much as a word.
But that’s for another query.
What I’m most confused about is this strange food that appears to be universally called “hot dish.” Many guests who joined the funeral reception brought what they called “hot dish.” But every one was slightly different, so I’m not sure why they all share the same name. Some had meat while others had vegetables—some, a mix of both. Many contained copious amounts of dairy, especially cheese, and sometimes mayonnaise. Quite a few had crispy bits on top like crackers or those potato items called “tater tots.”
Taste testing each “hot dish” was like embarking on a culinary adventure fraught with unforeseen danger—as I discovered with what my friend’s Aunt Mabel later explained to me was her “Tuna Noodle Hot Dish.” I don’t recommend that one, for anyone wondering.
Most of the “hot dish” offerings appeared to have been baked and were thus heated. Perhaps that is how they earned the name? However, none of them were “hot” in the sense of being spicy. My home world’s cuisine is closer to Indian or Thai cuisine, which makes use of strong chili peppers of various kinds. In contrast, I would say the so-called “hot dishes” were remarkably bland—although I refrained from verbally expressing this assessment. Can you explain the elusive mystery of the “hot dish”? And are they specifically served when someone passes away?
Sincerely,
Mystified by the Midwest
Dear Mystified by the Midwest,
I’m going to be honest—I had to talk to some folks and do a bit of internet sleuthing on this one because I, too, have not traveled to the Midwest, nor have I sampled their regional cuisine. Vegas boy, born and raised! From what I gather, it does seem as though “hot dish” is a general umbrella term for any type of baked casserole in certain parts of the Upper Midwest. A casserole is essentially a baked dish that combines a variety of ingredients, often, as you discovered, including meat, vegetables, and dairy. And no, it is not specific to funerals. “Hot dish” is something people bring to many types of gatherings as a communal food for sharing, such as holidays, weddings, funerals, and the like.
Your observations were spot on, as the region is not known for spicy food of any kind, although the many dairy farms in that region do perhaps speak to the overwhelming amount of dairy ingredients in said casseroles, especially cheese. I would definitely not make one that is to your level of spicy “hot” for any gathering, unless you want to see the Midwesterners sweating and crying. It’s my understanding that in the land where Ranch dressing flows like water and deep-fried foods reign supreme, salt and pepper are considered the main spices in dishes, so be cautious, Mystified, before adding anything stronger than a pinch of black pepper to your offerings!
Humans have many diverse culinary traditions and cultural specialties that are often particular to different regions, countries, and communities. While you aren’t likely to enjoy every kind of cuisine you try, experimenting and opening yourself up to new experiences is a good thing. Hot sauce is also a good thing! Always try to keep a small bottle in your backpack but remember to be surreptitious in its use. You never want to offend your kind hosts!
Also, kudos to you for being there in your friend’s time of need. I’m sure they appreciated your company and support. Nicely done!
Forever fabulous and mildly inappropriate,
Dr. TEA
River
“Are you excited, hermano?”
Evan is downright giddy to be helping me behind the scenes for Day One of the Sanctioning Ceremony. He’s dressed up like he’s vying to be the MC of the entire event in his slinky gray suit, which he’s paired with a tangerine-colored silk shirt that looks amazing against his bronze skin tone. Evan’s hair is coifed to perfection, nary a strand out of place. He’s also gone full out today because he’s applied gold glitter eyeshadow and shiny copper lip gloss.
I stare at him wide-eyed. “Excited? Dude, my balls are sweating I’m so nervous.”
He wrinkles his nose. “TMI, hermano.”
I’ve been preparing for this three-day event for the last few weeks, but I’m still worried as fuck.
After all, it’s not like I’ve ever been involved in anything quite like this before.
Don’t get me wrong, the Iyarans are super fucking cool, and their culture is truly fascinating. I even have high hopes that I’ll maybe get to visit Kai’s home world someday, but there’s a lot riding on this Sanctioning Ceremony.
More importantly, I love my boo so much that I don’t want to Fuck. It. Up.May the grace and blessings of Mama Ru be with me!
I want him to be proud of me as his life mate and partner extraordinaire.
Evan wraps me in a full-body hug and squeezes me tight, grounding me in all the ways I didn’t realize I needed.
Talk about BFF mojo!
His voice softens. “You’ve got this, hermano. You two are the real deal. El amor at its very best. You make even a jaded queen like me believe that I might find mi corazón someday too.”
I squeeze him back in a fierce BFF hug. “You will. I know it.” I pull back and waggle my eyebrows at him meaningfully. “In fact, it just might be a big, hunky blue alien who’s got stars in his eyes whenever he sees you.”
