Page 27 of All You Need is Alien Love
CHAPTER SEVEN
Spill the TEA: Trustworthy Earthling Advice
Issue 4
Welcome to our latest issue! I see my number of followers has exploded since the last installment and we’re going viral on an intergalactic level. Thanks for your support, friends!
Today, we’re diving into the nuances of Earthling social etiquette. Let me tell you, these are some murky depths we’ll be exploring. I’ll just say, “To wear pants, or not to wear pants, that is the question…”
And now, to our letter of the day…
Dear Dr. TEA,
I’m a bit embarrassed to admit I’m struggling with grasping certain social expectations. The other day, I was fast asleep in my apartment when I received a knock on my door. Still rather groggy, I answered the door wearing a shirt but nopants. It’s important to note, among my species, our upper bodies are more sensitive to cold while our lower bodies are naturally warmer. As a result, I generally sleep in a shirt but leave my lower half bare as this is more comfortable. I have seen individuals identifying as men go shirtless in public while wearing pants, so I assumed the inverse was allowed as well. It turns out going pantsless in public is not the same as going shirtless when you have a male body. The maintenance man at my door was quite shocked and appalled. Don’t worry, he didn’t see my tail, just my genitals! Now he avoids me whenever he sees me around the apartment complex. It’s very awkward, especially because I need him to come fix my smoke detector. Can you explain what I did wrong and how I can fix matters?
Sincerely,
Clueless and Pantsless
Dear Clueless and Pantsless,
Wowza! I’m sorry you had to experience such a confusing and awkward situation. Humans have some weird and inconsistent ideas when it comes to various types of social etiquette, amirite? I get how it can be mystifying at times.
To your point, some people who identify as men are often able to be in certain public spaces without wearing a top, although this can be considered poor etiquette for indoor spaces like restaurants and shops. “No shirt, no service” is totally a thing! People who identify as women and have breasts, however, are not allowed to go topless in most places according to human laws. It’s all very problematic and steeped in patriarchy and the objectification of women, which totally sucks. I learned all about it in my college Gender and Sexuality Studies courses, and Itry hard every day to recognize my male privilege while also deconstructing problematic gender essentialisms I’ve internalized throughout my life. It’s not easy, and sometimes I make mistakes, but I keep at it. We’ve all got to do our part to end systemic oppression!
Ahem. I got on my soap box for a moment there, my bad. In any case, regardless of gender, it is not considered acceptable to go pantsless in public on Earth—that’s a swift one-way ticket to jail time, my friend. Thankfully, you were in the privacy of your own apartment and that maintenance man showed up unexpectedly, so you’re not really at fault. Baring your man bits to a stranger—a bit cringey and embarrassing? Sure. The end of the world as you know it? Not even close.
Things will probably be awkward between you and that guy for a while, but I guarantee you he’s seenmuchworse over the years. The things people get up to behind closed doors sometimes blows even my mind! Your unintentional flashing situation was probably a nothingburger event in comparison to some of the stuff he’s witnessed during his career. Anyhoo, if the opportunity presents itself, you can try to apologize to the poor guy about flashing him your dick when you opened the door while still half asleep. He’s probably just embarrassed to have bothered you in such a state, but if he’s a jerk about it, thenhe’sthe dick! Finally, if you want, maybe find out if there’s more than one maintenance worker in your complex to get that smoke detector fixed in the meantime.
Sparkling harder than a drag brunch mimosa,
Dr. TEA
River
I can’t believewe finally made it to the rehearsal dinner before the first day of the Sanctioning Ceremony.
While the threat of impending alien invasion is looming ever closer in the background, Kai and I have decided we’re not going to wait around in fear. And we’re sure as shit not going to let Layne Madison and his pals interfere with us tying the knot Iyaran style.
Kai’s parents are hosting our dinner at their house. It’s an intimate affair, with just the immediate family members present. Our extended family and friends will be in attendance at the ceremony starting tomorrow.
I gulp at the thought. Tomorrow is the big day, and I’m equal parts scared shitless and super excited. It’s not the most pleasant combination of emotions, that’s for sure.
A lavish buffet featuring a mixture of Terran and Iyaran dishes is set up on the kitchen island. Evidently, Grandma Iris brought along some of their home world delicacies specifically for this dinner. She and Maddox had been cooking for a day and a half to prepare everything.
I’m looking forward to trying the octo-beef. Kai’s told me a lot about it. Mentally, I’m envisioning this meat coming from an animal that’s a cross between a cow and a squid, which is very weird. Kai’s told me he can’t really liken it to any particular meat on Earth, not even chicken, so I’m intrigued to taste it.
My dad and Uncle Benji have provided the traditional Earth dishes, including a couple of my favorites, homemade baked mac and cheese and spicy chicken wings.
What can I say, I’m a simple guy who was raised by his stoner uncle. My food preferences definitely reflect that.
Everyone loads their plates with grub and then finds a place at the dining room table. Kai picks out a couple of Iyaran dishes for me to try but I tell him to steer clear of an oddly gray-looking meat coated in a gelatinous substance that makes me gag justlooking at it. It helps that he whispers, “I was going to suggest avoiding that one. It’s disgusting, but my dad and grandma love it.”
I kiss him on the cheek in thanks.
When we seat ourselves too, I demolish my favorites and then cautiously try Kai’s selections. The grilled octo-beef is just as amazing as he promised. I can’t begin to describe how it tastes, but it’s savory and rich. I’m just grateful it doesn’t look like a tentacle—the name gave me some initial concern.
I munch on the tasty meat and grin at Kai like the besotted fool I am.
