Page 19 of All You Need is Alien Love
My dad refills his wine glass and lifts it. “To family.”
We all follow along with his toast.
To the best family in the entire universe.
CHAPTER FIVE
Spill the TEA: Trustworthy Earthling Advice
Issue 3
It’s another glorious day, my extraterrestrial friends! We’re already on Issue 3, can you believe it? Today, we’re talking about human customs that might seem odd to many people, not just non-Earthlings. Yes, that’s right, friends—sports! In particular, the mysterious and incomprehensible game known as American Football (not to be confused with soccer, which is also, well, confusing).
And now, to our issue of the day… sportsball!
Dear Dr. TEA,
I am most confused about human sports, particularly the cultural fascination with what the American Earthlings call “football,” something that is strangely played using your hands more than your feet. Also a mystery is the fact that“football” is the name for different sports in other countries but at least in those cases, it’s played with the feet. Don’t even get me started on how bizarre it is that humans enjoy kicking and throwing a ball wrapped in animal skin! What did the pigs every do to them to be treated with such disrespect? However, what confounds me far more is that this violent sport is known to cause serious brain damage and other bodily trauma. Human physical vessels are already so much more fragile than those of other species. Why do you insist on venerating an activity that can permanently maim and even kill people? Do humans simply ignore logic and reasoning for mass spectacle entertainment?
Sincerely,
Totally Perplexed
Dear Totally Perplexed,
I totally understand your confusion! Admittedly, I’m not much of a sportsball fan in general. Instead, I much prefer another type of balls, if you catch my drift. But I digress.
Humans are a notoriously competitive lot, and testing the durability of our bodies for public spectacle has been a common practice since the rise of the first Olympics and even before that. Spectatorship has long been a major part of human entertainment, as well, particularly displays of physical prowess that have long held cross-cultural fascination for humanity. That goes all the way back to the Greeks and Romans during classical antiquity even! I can’t exactly explain why, but as a species, humans are rather fascinated with our physical form and what it can accomplish. That said, I personally have very little interest in athletics myself, so I’m not an expert on this topic at all. I did someLittle League baseball as a child, was a decent pitcher if I do say so myself, but I only ever played for fun. Intense competition was never my bag.
You’re right though. A lot of recent medical research has shown how dangerous football is, and how many players suffer long-term physical and even mental damage from playing the sport. But people are reluctant to give it up. Sometimes, people like things that aren’t healthy for them. And unfortunately, we sometimes care more about the competition and entertainment side of things without considering the negative effects on real people’s lives. It’s a facet of humanity that isn’t always easy to understand because it isn’t logical. I’m sure Mr. Spock would have a lot to say on the subject if we could ask him!
P.S. One thing I can assure you of is that all sports balls are now made out of synthetic materials. “Pig skin” is a nickname for a football not it’s material of origin, so no pigs were harmed in the making and/or viewing thereof.
With sugar and sass,
Dr. TEA
River
Vardox’s Cantina isjam-packed with local extraterrestrial refugees and longtime residents, all eager to defend their new home here on Earth.
I can’t help but get a little bit choked up just surveying the crowd, knowing that each and every individual here is willing to help in some capacity, to protect Earth and prevent Layne Madison’s invasion plan from succeeding.
The sight fills me with renewed hope and a surge of enthusiastic energy. If we can mobilize our people along with their various connections and resources, then we’ve got a real chance of thwarting whatever our very own wannabe supervillain has concocted.
The bar, which once belonged to Kai’s ex-friend-slash-FWB, Fuckface Fabio as I call him, has been renovated and turned into the quintessential neighborhood watering hole for extraterrestrials. My pal Nirblob, the new owner, has made things much cozier than they used to be. There are more places to either sit and chat with friends in comfortable chairs or to canoodle with a lover in a dimly lit booth. The place just has a good vibe now, and it’s become hugely popular with the alien locals as a result.
I turn to Kai, who gives me an encouraging smile that firms my resolve.
Taking a deep breath, I step up to the podium we’ve brought in, and the microphone crackles briefly when I get near it. At the sound, everyone begins to quiet down and all eyes and ears turn my direction, which is a little freaky since some folks here have more than two of each!
“Good evening, friends, and thank you for being here tonight. I wish I came bearing better news, but I’m gonna give it to you straight, because that’s how I roll.”
“We love you, River!” someone shouts.
Awwwwww, I heart my fans!
“Thanks, man. That means a lot.” I smile briefly and then let my gaze turn serious as it roams over the audience. “As many of you know, just when the Alliance was closing in and ready to take him down, Layne Madison and his accomplice managed to escape from Earth. That was over a month ago. For a while, things were quiet, but we always knew he would be coming back—and with reinforcements.”
