Page 1 of All You Need is Alien Love
CHAPTER ONE
Spill the TEA: Trustworthy Earthling Advice
Issue 1
Welcome to the inaugural issue ofSpill the TEA: Trustworthy Earthling Advice—the Alliance’s new advice column for all of the recently or soon-to-be Earth-relocated, and those just simply coming for a visit!
I’m River Sullivan, aka KirklovesSpock4eva, the author ofThe Tentacular Tales of Captain Starbladeand newly minted member of the Alliance on Earth—but here I’m your advice guru for all things Earthling related. Just call me Dr. TEA! I’m ready to answer all of your questions about humans, their customs and beliefs, and life on Earth in general.
Today, we’re covering an important communication topic: confusing euphemisms and double entendre. You know, where someone says one thing, but what they really mean is S-E-X.
And now, to our very first exciting query!
Dear Dr. TEA,
I’m new to Earth and finding it hard to acclimate to some of the customs here. A human coworker invited me to “Netflix and chill.” I thought this meant watching something entertaining on the Earthling Netflix channel together in a relaxing and “chill” environment. Side note: “chill” is a very intriguing word with so many different meanings I was unaware of. Case in point—imagine my surprise when I quite shockingly learned that the Netflix and chill expression is a euphemism for sexual congress! Needless to say, I was baffled when my colleague put the moves on me. I politely declined and hightailed it out of there like I had a Temerengi squadron on my tail. I’m not ready to try romance, let alone sex with Earthlings just yet. I mean, where does everything go, andhow?!!
Now I’m nervous about facing my coworker again because it’s going to be very awkward. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Nopeing out of Netflix and Chill
Dear Nopeing out of Netflix and Chill,
Let me start off by saying I’m super proud of you for handling a situation like this so well! I can imagine how surprising that would be, and I certainly hope your coworker was cool when you said no. Consent is always essential when it comes to sex, but I’m sensing this was more of a cultural misunderstanding gone awry. No doubt your colleague thought you understood what they meant. If they weren’t aggressive or coercive about things, then my suggestion would be to have an honest conversation and tell them you didn’t understand what theterm meant. You have several options here to make this believable.
You could claim that you’re from a foreign country. The downside to this is that they may want more details about that, which could prove tricky. Or, you could claim to have been raised in a sheltered environment of some kind. Now, this is where you need to decide whether you want to maintain a friendship with this person or have them stay away from you. If the former, you can say you only recently moved to Las Vegas after living your whole life in a very small rural community with spotty internet access. If the latter, tell them you grew up in a cult but you can’t share details without the Dark Order coming after you. That should send them packing!
Okay… now I’m second-guessing myself. There are some major weirdos out there for real who might really be into the whole “raised in a cult” thing. Hell, they might be starting their own cult! You don’t want to mess with any of that. Less is more and often best, so whatever way you go—keep it simple and easy to remember in case you have to tell it to multiple people!
Rainbows and good vibes,
Dr. TEA
River
“Come on,baby. Open wide for me,” I purr.
Kai flushes and tries to scowl but fails. “Not here.”
My sweet hubby-boo may try to resist, but I have him right where I want him. After all, I’m privy to all his deepest, darkest secrets.
“Of course you can. Iknowyou want a mouthful of all this cream I have ready for you. You’re going to swallow it all down and beg me for more.”
Kai’s eyes turn molten amethyst and he licks his lips, unable to resist the temptation I’m offering him. I can see him starting to cave.
I leer. “That’s right. You can take italllllfor me, can’t you?”
Lips glistening and cheeks flushing, Kai slowly opens his mouth for me.
Heh. Score one for Sexy River.
I lovingly shove the entire chocolate-covered, cream-filled mini éclair I’m holding into my man’s mouth.
Kai bites down and lets out a filthy moan, his eyes fluttering shut with pleasure.
Do I know my boo, or do I know my boo?
