Page 89 of The Fear of Falling
She looks up at me, her head cocked again. “Do you know how to make waffles?”
“No.”
“Oh.”
“Sorry.” Clearly I have no idea how to be an uncle, but now’s not the time to learn. Groaning internally, I content myself with patting her on the head before jumping up and rushing for the stairs. “It’s nice to meet you, Marilee!” I call back.
By the time I reach the top floor, I’m moving so fast that I barely see my mom before I nearly collide with her. I skid to a halt, crashing into the wall, and grimace as she stares at me with wide eyes. “Sorry,” I say again. I have a feeling I’m going to be saying that a lot. “Uh, good morning.”
Mom looks like she just woke up, her hair in a messy bun and a robe tucked around her pajamas, and she squints at me in the dim hallway. “Is everything okay, Sonny?” she asks eventually. “You look…tired.”
I exhale in something like a laugh. She has no idea. “Didn’t sleep,” I croak.
Her gaze turns even more scrutinizing as she studies me. “You look different,” she says next. Then her eyes move to the closed door of my bedroom like she knows exactlywhyI look different. My parents’ room is right next to mine—an effort to catch me when I inevitably snuck out—and suddenly I wonder if she heard my conversation with Avery last night. “Are you sure you know what you’re doing, Benson?”
Smiling despite the tension building inside me, I shake my head. “Not even a little bit.” I just know I have to make things right if I can.
To my shock, my response brings a smile to my mom’s face, and she puts her hand on my chest, the gesture warm if not familiar. “Sounds like you’re doing something right, then,” she mutters and continues down the stairs, leaving me alone in the hall.
I hope she’s right. Now that I’m here, I’m terrified, and a part of me wants to run back down the stairs and beg my mom to tell me how to fix this. I’ve never confided in her in my life, but I wish I had. I wish I’d had the courage to trust that my family would accept me, flaws and all.
Like Avery did.
Moving to the door, I press my forehead against the wood and take a deep breath. There’s always the chance that Avery won’t listen to me and won’t change her mind, and I have to accept that. But I also have to show her that I’m willing to fight for her. Lay my heart on the line like she did.
Before I can talk myself out of it, I knock on the door and wait, holding my breath.
What if she’s still asleep? What if she left hours ago without telling anyone? What if she heard me talking to my mom and is purposefully ignoring me?
“Come in,” a soft voice says.
Exhaling in relief, I slowly push the door open, just enough to see Avery sitting on the bed with her arms around one of her knees. Soft sunlight from the open blinds makes her seem to glow, but it also puts into sharp relief how tired she looks. She looks like she slept as poorly as I did, and guilt settles heavy in my chest. “Sorry,” I breathe. “I shouldn’t have—”
“Do you need something?”
I swallow. “I was hoping we could talk.”
She comes as close to rolling her eyes as she can without actually doing it. “Is there anything more for us to talk about?”
Everything. I want to talk to her about everything for the rest of forever, but how do I tell her that in a way she’ll believe?
She drops her head on her shoulder and sighs. “I’m going to text my dad. He can help me get my car to a shop, so you don’t have to—”
“Don’t give up on me.” I wince at the desperation in my words, no matter how accurate it is. I amdesperateto have Avery in my life. “Please.”
Her eyebrows pull low. “Benson.”
“I know.” I slip into the room, closing the door behind me but keeping my back against it so she doesn’t feel like I’m pushing her. Standing in the same place I was last night, I can barely breathe in enough air to say what I need to say. If I can’t change her mind this morning, I won’t have any chances left. “I don’t deserve another chance,” I croak. “I’ve been an idiot in every way, and you are so much better off without me.”
She blinks. “Okay.”
This is not going how I wanted this to go. Clenching my jaw, I dig deep for the strength to get this out. “You scare the hell out of me, Avery Grace. From the moment I met you, you took hold of something inside me and refused to let go, and I was so convinced that giving in and letting you have it would make me less of a person when I already struggle with feeling like I’m enough. But you don’t…”
I groan and run a hand through my hair. She’s looking at me blankly, and I’m clearly not making any sense. “I’ve always thought that if I kept moving, I wouldn’t be in one place long enough to screw anything up. I’ve felt like a disappointment my entire life, and I’ve been searching for that magical thing that will fill in the missing pieces and make me complete.”
She slowly lifts her head, brow furrowed. “Are you trying to tell me that I complete you?”
“Yes.” I shake my head. “No. No, I’m…” What am I saying? I growl and start to pace. Will there ever be a time when I have the right words when it comes to this woman? “I’m saying you never saw me as anything less than whole. You always just sawme.” Coming to a halt, with my heart racing and my lungs burning, I meet her uncertain gaze. “No one has ever done that the way you do.”
