Page 78 of The Fear of Falling
“So your company’s doing well?” Kaden asks.
Hopefully my shock isn’t written all over my face when I look at him again. I didn’t realize he knew about R&Q. “It’s going a little crazy, but in a good way. We’re growing a lot thanks to Dani’s book.”
“I read it. It’s good.” Kaden glances over my shoulder at Benson. “He looks cooler than your last boyfriend.”
Chuckling, I nod and feel myself relax a bit. There’s still a chance I’ll have to deflect questions about Eric and my failed wedding, but based on the way Benson has captured everyone’s attention, maybe I’ll be okay.
“Avery!” One of my aunts—Chloe’s mom—comes over to me, her eyes alight with excitement. “I had no idea your business was doing so well! What kinds of books are you publishing right now?”
I glance at Kaden—tonight is his night, after all—but he’s already on his phone again, the leather bag slung over his shoulder as if he’s testing out how it feels. Grinning, I turn back to my aunt and tell her all about our next release.
After more conversations than I can count, I’m peopled out and make my way to the back balcony for some air and to soak up the golden sunset. Benson is still inside, talking about who knows what with my grandpa, and there are too many emotions running through me for me to process.
I want this. I wanthim. I don’t think I’ve really let myself think about what might happen if he still rejects me when all this is over. Right now, his job is keeping him in Utah, but when his work with Rose & Quill is finished, what then? Flirting with him has been fun and freeing, but it has also opened me up and leftme vulnerable. I didn’t want to leave Benson behind in Italy, but Ireallydon’t want him to leave me behind now.
I lean on the railing of the balcony and take a deep breath. It will officially be autumn in a couple of days. Utah will take its time to cool down, but I can almost smell the coming change in the air. What is it about changing seasons that makes life feel uncertain?
The back door slides open, and I know without turning who comes outside to join me, even before he speaks. It’s like I can feel when he’s close because there’s this invisible thread barely holding us together, tangible but fragile.
“Your family is great, Avery.”
I breathe in deeply once more, holding the air in my lungs for a few seconds and letting it out slowly. “I know. I’m surprised by how nice it is to be around them again.” I look behind me and take in Benson’s expression, so full of emotions I couldn’t put a name to if I tried. I can’t decide if he’s happy or miserable. Maybe he’s both. “Thank you. For everything you said in there.”
Leaning one hip against the railing, he tucks an arm around my waist and pulls me close. “I meant every word. What you’re doing with R&Q? You’re incredible. You deserve for them to see that side of you.”
I move my hands to his chest and look up at him. He has seen me from the beginning, and I’ve never had a cheerleader like him. If I had known this was what unconditional support would feel like, I would have broken up with Eric a long time ago.
But then Eric wouldn’t have started the company with me, and I wouldn’t have met Benson. I wouldn’t have learned to be bold and go after what I want. I wouldn’t be standing here and wishing I never had to leave this man’s arms.
“What are we doing?” I whisper. That question is so broad, so vague, but I’m desperate for an answer. “You and me. What is this?”And how do I keep it forever?
He clenches his jaw, glancing at the back door as if hoping someone might join us and rescue him from this conversation. “Avery.”
“I know you think you aren’t the type of guy to commit to a relationship, and I understand why. Your job, it…”
He nods. “It makes it impossible.”
That has to mean he wants it, right? He wants whatever this is between us, but he doesn’t know how to have it. “You don’t know that,” I argue. “We could—”
“Long distance?” He grimaces, shaking his head even as he pulls me closer and slides one hand along my arm toward my hand. He looks down when his fingers reach the star bracelet on my wrist, eyebrows pulling low like he’s in pain as he traces the chain of stars. “Avery, you know we can’t do that. Those days we were apart after Italy… They nearly killed me.”
My heart stutters in my chest, leaving me lightheaded as I process what he’s saying. “So you would rather give up entirely?” I shift my hands to his face, the scruff of his beard rough against my fingers. “Benson, you can’t spend your whole life alone.”
He closes his eyes. “It’s better this—”
“It’s not. Trust me. There are so many people in the world who love you and want you in their lives. Including…” I falter over my words, but then he opens his eyes to look at me and there is so much hope in his eyes that I can’t let my courage fail. “Including me,” I finish, rising up to my toes to press my lips to his.
“Avery, do you—oh!” My mom’s words break us apart before our lips touch. “I’m so sorry for interrupting.”
Benson takes a step back at the same time a mask slips into place, all traces of vulnerability gone.
I let out a deep sigh and turn to face my mom. “No, it’s okay. What’s up?”
She bites her lip, glancing between us as she says, “Grandma Sue wondered if you two wanted to join a game of Catan.”
I’m not exactly in the mood for Settlers of Catan, but who am I to say no to Grandma Sue? I look at Benson with a question in my eyes, and when he shrugs, I smile at my mom. “We’d love to. Give us a sec, okay?”
Mom slips back inside, leaving us alone, but I already know our conversation is over. For now. I’m not going to let Benson end things when he’s so desperate for connection. He needs people and he knows it, but it’s going to take something bigger than my affection to convince him to at least try to find a way to have his cake and eat it too.
