Page 74 of The Fear of Falling
“I can live with that.” My hand moves to her thigh, tracing circles on the soft skin above her knee. She changed into sleep shorts soon after the great book migration began, and I am very glad she did.
Boundaries, Benson. But boundaries are impossible to remember when I am too exhausted to think about anything but her warm fingers scraping against the scruff on my face. The way the heat of her body keeps my heart at a rhythm I can’t sustain if I want to live to see thirty-six. How she smells like vanilla and peaches.
Avery’s hand slides from my face to my collar, then down my chest and stomach, resting on my abs and making me flex on instinct. She’s bold, like her favorite books, and I don’t know how much longer I can resist the pull I feel toward her. It’s all tooeasy to forget my solid reasons for maintaining distance when everything about being near her feels so good.
It’s been a while since I felt the same passion she exudes when it comes to books. Her enthusiasm is what drew me to her in Italy too, like I have this underlying desperation to absorb her excitement about the world around her so I can feel that way again.
“Thanks for your help,” she says, her voice low. “I never would have gotten those shelves moved on my own, which is why I’ve been living in limbo.”
“You’re welcome to my brawn any time.”For the next few days, I don’t add. If I agree to take on the Australian company like I know I should, I can give R&Q three more days at most. That’s enough time to make a solid plan of action, and Avery is perfectly capable of implementing the ideas she’s had.
But I’ve barely come to terms with knowing I can only be around Avery for a couple more weeks, and leaving her sooner brings an ache to my chest.I’m leaving either way, I remind myself and mentally run through the reasons I can’t be with Avery to begin with, hating each one.
Seeing her in her element has made it clear Avery is exactly where she’s supposed to be, so I could never ask Avery to leave her life here. Worse than that, I spend so little time in my own home that I can’t have plants, let alone a girlfriend. She would never see me if she moved to New York.
And me relocating here? Eighty percent of my clients are East Coast companies, and if I lock in this company in Australia, I can use their influence and connections to build my clientele around the world. I’ll finally be able to bring on others to take some of my load and give me new challenges to spice things up. But I can’t leave the East Coast if I do that.
If I choose not to scale up, not many companies west of the Mississippi can afford or need a consultant like me, so if I movedback to Utah, most of my time would either be spent in New York or in California and cities like Seattle, defeating the purpose of moving in the first place.
Then there’s my family… Good as I am at keeping my whereabouts on the down low, I don’t think I could keep it a secret if I moved into the same state as them, and that would be miserable for everyone involved. My mom already guilts me enough, and my brothers wouldn’t hesitate to use the opportunity to show me how much better they are than me. Building a whole consulting firm is the only thing that would bring me to an even playing field for the first time in my life.
There’s too much standing in my way for me to win. Either I sacrifice the one thing in my life that I’m proud of and risk reverting back to the man who can’t stick with anything to save his life, or I sacrifice this growing connection to Avery and lose the only person who truly seems to see me, hurting her in the process.
“I should go,” I say, hearing my own reluctance despite everything.
Avery shakes her head against my chest. “Not yet.”
“Avery.”
“Just sit with me for a minute, okay? I’m not ready for tonight to end.”
Neither am I, which is why I don’t fight her. I simply tell myself I have five more minutes as I hold her closer, memorizing the feel of her in my arms and wishing I knew a way we both could get what we want.
I wake with a start, blinking against the lights overhead as vague remnants of my dream slip away. Something about drowning in sand while my brothers laugh at me. Taking a breath, I try to remember where I am at the same time I recall who is fast asleep in my arms.
A curse slips from my tongue. I thought falling asleep on the phone with a woman was bad, but falling asleep with Avery pressed to my chest… I curse again, mentally scrambling for a way out of this situation.
“Bad word,” Avery mumbles, only half conscious.
“This was your fault.”
It wasn’t her fault. Not entirely. I could have left at any point, but I chose to fall asleep in a chair that, while surprisingly comfortable, is not meant to be slept in by a grown man and woman. I have no idea what time it is other than later than I’d like it to be. I might not be able to leave this chair, depending on how long I’ve been sitting in the same position.
I shift my arm to reach for my phone in my pocket, and Avery lets out a little whimper of complaint that makes me snicker. “Okay, you’re being ridiculous now. I stayed, didn’t I?”
She lifts her head to meet my gaze, eyes so focused on me that I can’t look away. “Why did you stay?” she asks, her words so quiet that I barely hear them.
Because I have no self-control. Because watching the way you see the world makes everything brighter. Because the more I learn about you, the more I don’t want to go through life without you.“Because you asked me to,” I say, deciding to keep things simple. I don’t know what to do with the other thoughts that just ran through my head.
She reaches up and brushes my jaw. “I’m glad you did.”
Finally reaching my phone, I pull it out and wince. We were asleep for a couple of hours. “It’s two in the morning.”
Avery groans. “I don’t like that.”
Me neither, mostly because I don’t have any legitimate reasons to stay. She should sleep, and I should put some distance between us before we both get hurt.
So manyshouldsin my life lately, which is a recipe for disaster. I’ve never been good about doing what I should.
