Page 98 of Send It
She stares at me as I limp down the three metal steps, her eyes tear stained. It makes me feel awful.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I shouldn’t have done anything after the crash. I went rogue and I’m sorry.”
She doesn’t say anything, only stares at me like she’s waiting for me to finish my sentence. “I knew that you were hurt and I couldn’t stand the thought of him doing that to you then getting back on his bike to finish the race.”
“So you thought causing a scene and getting us both banned for a year was the right thing to do?”
She’s right. If I had been able to control my temper none of this would’ve happened.
“I fucked up!” I boom. “I told you I was going to. I told you this would happen.”
“So it’s my fault?” She huffs. “That’s great, Colson,because the last time I checked we decided to do this together.”
I reach for her hand but she jerks it away, “I’m going to the awards ceremony for Reiss.”
“Lincoln,” I plead. “Please don’t shut me out. I fucked up, I know that. I should’ve controlled my temper.”
She shakes her head, “But you didn’t and now here we are. Reiss is probably never going to speak to either one of us ever again.”
“He’s your brother, I find that hard to believe. Besides, this is my fault. He's mad at me. Not you.”
“I lied too,” she cries. “I lied to him because of this fantasy in my head I’ve had for years of what it would be like to have you.”
“You have me,” I say. “You always have.”
She growls, “You told me to stick to the plan and I did. You’re the one who didn’t and now we’re in this giant mess. So, how are you going to fix it?”
I stand there and think about what she said long after she walks away. I’m not sure how I can fix it but I know I’m going to try.
49
Lincoln
I feel bad for throwing all the blame on Colson when in reality it wasn’t all his fault. More than anything else, I wanted him. I pursued things with him just as much as he did with me. I could’ve backed off and let things chill until after Nationals, until he had the courage to talk to Reiss, but I didn’t.
I wanted to help him, race for him, sleep with him. I could’ve put my brother’s feelings somewhere on my list of priorities, but I didn’t. So it wasn’t all Colson’s fault. Even if he did fuck up the plan at Nationals and get us in a mess.
We all sat quietly at the awards ceremony and watched as Reiss got his first place trophy. It sucked that I lost but it felt good to watch him win. He deserved it but it was hard to sit there with eyes all over me and Colson. We were the hot gossip of the day and the fact that we broke the ruleshad a lot of people pissed off. Which is why we both released apologies on our social media pages.
It was PR protocol. Damage control organized by Bane Racing but still we both learned our lesson and the apologies were heartfelt.
We shouldn’t have lied and we shouldn’t have broken the rules. It doesn’t mean that what happened wasn’t awesome. I won a moto against the best racers in the country and was on track to win the final if it hadn’t been for Landon’s rivalry with Colson.
It has been a few days since we’ve been home and I already have teams reaching out to me through Bane Racing. Even though I am in trouble for breaking the rules, my explanation on why I did it has been understood by most.
The truth is, I decided to race in Colson’s spot because of how much I care about him. Knowing that he would miss the biggest race of his career was a hard pill for me to swallow, knowing how hard he worked to get to this spot. I realize that my judgement was clouded by my emotions and I’m deeply sorry for how things played out. I understand that we broke the trust of the racing community, officials, and our own team at Bane Racing. For that, I am truly sorry and I hope through time and transparency I can earn your trust back.
I know that a lot of people feel disrespected by the events and I hope that you will give me another chance to prove to you that, even though rules were broken, my heart was in the right place.
The comments are mostly positive but that doesn’t mean I don’t understand why we are in trouble. We broke the rules and that isn’t anything I can argue with. It looks bad on both of us but neither of us cared about the consequences while we were sneaking around and lying, so we deserve the backlash.
I haven’t reached out to Colson, trying my best to give him some space to talk to Reiss and come to me when he is ready, but I am starting to worry because his surgery is in the morning.
I type out a few different texts to Reiss and finally settle on one.
Lincoln
Colson’s surgery is tomorrow.
