Page 16 of Heart of Gold
He kneels in front of me on the floor, the gesture so intimate and sweet.
“Hey, hey,” he whispers. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”
He grabs my hands in his, gently squeezing them so they stop shaking. I close my eyes and begin to count backwards, breathing with each number, focusing on how I feel safe with my hands in his.
A stranger. Someone I just met. Not Grayson.
“Look at me,” he says. “Open your eyes, Daisy. Look at me.”
When I reach zero, I force my lids open and he is right there. His dark brown eyes sparkling back at me.
His presence nearly takes my breath completely away. He’s gorgeous, a sharp jawline and eyes that I could stare into forever and never get tired of them. Just simply looking at him, I feel the trauma leave me. Like a heavy weight lifting from my chest. His hair is cut short around his ears and longer on top, and I resist the urge to touch it. To run my fingers through it softly.
“You’re okay,” He repeats. “I’ve got you.”
His grip on my hands loosens, and he moves his fingertips upward toward my elbows causing my body to respond. Goosebumps radiate up my arms, and I feel heat in my core, causing a dull throb between my legs.
“What happened?” He asks, “Do you have panic attacks like that often?”
I shake my head, “No. I haven’t in a while. I don’t do that anymore.”
“Was it talking about your mom?”
I let out a deep breath, “I’ve never had to tell anyone she’s dead. It felt like I was reliving it for a minute.”
“What do you mean, you’ve never told anyone?”
I sigh, “I never had to tell anyone because where I’m from everyone knew.”
He stares at me, waiting for me to finish but I can’t bring myself to dump all of this on a complete stranger.
“It’s nothing really, you don’t have to pretend like you want to know about my life.”
His jaw tightens, “If I didn’t want to know, I wouldn’t have asked. It was you that said we should just talk because we will never see each other again.”
For some reason, I hated the way that sounded coming from his lips. So definite and final, but unfortunately, he was right. The likelihood of us ever seeing each other again was low. So maybe this would be good practice, because eventually I’d have to tell a guy about what happened, so why not use this as my practice round to unload?
“It was summer after sophomore year,” I begin. “My sister, Liv, had just left for college, and Grayson and I had broken up for the hundredth time. I was at a party across town and had too much to drink. Grayson and I were fighting and he called my mom because I refused to leave with him.”
I take a deep breath before continuing, “My mom left the house in the middle of the night to come pick me up, but she never made it.”
Phoenix leans closer to me, rubbing the back of my hand. “What happened?”
“Drunk driver,” I say matter of factly, trying my best to leave any emotion out of it.
“It’s not your fault,” he says. “Shit like that happens.”
I shake my head, “She should’ve never been in that car.”
The way Phoenix looks at me makes me all but melt. He takes his hand and gently pushes my hair behind my ear. “She loved you. She came because she loved you.”
Tears pool in my eyes and I feel another lump burning deep in my throat.
He takes his thumbs and quickly wipes the tears as they fall.
“Shhh, it’s okay, come here.”
Pulling me into a hug, I quietly sob into his chest. Something I haven’t done in a while. I bottled all of that pain up and haven’t fully allowed myself to grieve. It was better to pretend she was on vacation or something. I barely even remember the funeral. It was just one big daze for me, like my body was on autopilot.
