Page 93 of Heart of Gold
“I don’t know. This isn’t the Grayson I met when I was fourteen.”
His eyes fill with tears, “I fucked up, Quinn. I know that. Looking back, I see everything differently. I never should’ve gotten close to Raelynn after what happened to your mom, and I did sleep with her.Once. Don’t you think I would take that back if I could? I would, Quinn.”
I know that what he’s saying to me is the truth, that he’s drank enough alcohol that there’s no way he could lie to me right now, but still my guard is all the way up. Still, I want to move on from this. I wanthimto move on from this. Of course this hurts, but it doesn’t hurt near as bad as watching Gavin walk away upset earlier.
“I forgive you,” I say, wanting him to back away from the edge, but still meaning it nonetheless.
Maybe forgiving him would be the closure I needed.
He looks at me with hopeful eyes, “I love you.”
“No,” I exhale. “You don’t. What happened between us wasn’t love. It’s not what love is. I know that now.”
“Because of him?” he spits.
“No, because of me,” I argue. “I was so afraid of losing you that I became addicted to you. I lost my mom and I was terrified of losing you too. No matter what kind of awful things you did, I saw past it because I was scared to death of being alone.”
“You needed me,” he says.
“No, see that’s where it’s fucked up, Grayson. I didn’t need you the way you thought. I became closer to you after mom died because I was grieving. It was a lot of trauma and I was only sixteen. I didn’t see it then but I see it now.”
“What are you saying?”
I sigh, “I’m saying we were broken up, Gray. The night mom died we weren’t even together. What I’m saying is it isn’t love, it’s a goddamn trauma bond.”
He doesn’t speak and I watch as tears fall from his eyes. I hate that he’s upset but I can’t allow him to keep doing this to me. It’s gotta end somewhere.
“You gotta work on you, Grayson. I can’t fix whatever it is that’s broken inside you, no more than you could fix what was broken inside of me.”
He takes the liquor bottle from behind him and chucks it to the ground, the sound of the shattering glass on the black top makes me jump.
“Please move away from the edge.” I beg. “You’re freaking everyone out.”
He smiles sadistically, “I wasn’t gonna jump, Quinny. I just knew you wouldn’t let me. That’s what I love the most about you. I know exactly what to expect.”
The way he spits those words at me hurts. Gavin was right. This was nothing more than a way to fuck with me. His way to stick it to Gavin, and I fell right into his plan. He stands up and saunters over to the ladder and climbs down with one arm, slipping at the last bar and falling onto the aluminum bleachers.
I stare at the arm that’s in a cast. This was revenge.
Luckily, I said everything I needed to say.
Fuck you, Grayson Collins.
I watch as some of the guys drive him away right before the police show up and Remi explains to them what happened. One of the officers helps me down the ladder, and when we get back to the dorm it’s 5am.
The only person on my mind is Gavin. I grab my phone and type out a quick message.
I’m sorry. You were right.
I wait and wait but he doesn’t respond, so I type another.
Please talk to me.
Still he doesn’t respond and I cry myself to sleep.
chapter thirty-nine
Gavin
