Page 89 of Cold Front
Niall didn’t interrupt, just listened, and that was enough to keep me going.
“Chase made me doubt my own damn identity. At first, it was little comments, shit that seemed like jokes. ‘You’re dating me, so you must be gay, right?’ Like being bi wasn’t real. Like I was just ‘transitioning’ to being fully gay. But then it got worse. He’d say things like, ‘You just don’t know it yet, but you’ll figure it out soon.’ Or he’d make these backhanded comments about how bi people were just confused or greedy. He had me questioning myself, Niall. Like maybe he was right. Maybe I was just fooling myself.”
I rubbed a hand over my face, my jaw tight. “He’d get jealous if I so much as mentioned a female friend or a study partner. He’d do this passive-aggressive thing, like, ‘Oh, you spent a lot of time with her. Should I be worried?’ At first, I’d laughed it off, but after a while, I started second-guessing everything.”
The weight of the memories settled in my chest like a stone.
“It got to the point where I instinctively hid my phone screen when a notification popped up, expecting him to ask who I was texting. I even found myself checking my own texts like I was worried about what he’d find. And then, when he’d leave, I’d go over every little thing in my head, thinking maybe I’d done something wrong, maybe I’d missed something. I didn’t want to fight, Niall. I didn’t want to cause trouble, so I just?—”
I swallowed hard, the words sour in my mouth.
“I had friends. Good ones. And little by little, I pulled away. It was easier than dealing with the accusations, the fights. Until one day, I realized I wasn’t talking to any of them anymore. He isolated me without me even noticing.” I exhaled sharply, my throat tightening. “And my family... We’ve always been close. When I came out to them, it wasn’t hard. They supported me. Even when I moved five hundred miles away for school, we still talked all the time. My mom would send me these ridiculous memes, my dad would text me updates about this or that, my sister would drop by my dorm just to rant about some drama with her friends.” I let out a humorless laugh. “I never thought anything could change that. But it did. Because of him. Because I started keeping things from them—things I never used to hide. And after a while, it got easier to just... not answer their calls at all. Or when my sister dropped by, I pretended I wasn’t in my dorm.”
Niall’s hands clenched into fists at his sides. “Eli, I’m so sorry.”
“I was never the type to break things or lose my shit, but back then? I was so fucking angry. Not at him. At myself. For thinking I could make it work. For letting myself believe I deserved that kind of relationship.”
I let out a shaky breath. “Until one day, I realized I didn’t deserve the pain.”
Silence stretched between us, heavy, charged.
I turned to look at Niall, my voice quieter now. “I used to tell myself that if I just did everything right, if I just didn’t give Chase areasonto doubt me, things would be okay. That if I just loved him enough, he’d finally trust me. But I was wrong. Because love isn’t supposed to feel like you’re constantly proving yourself. Like you have to shrink yourself down just to keep the peace.” I swallowed past the tightness in my throat. “And maybe that’s why I’m struggling now. Because I finally got out. I promised myself I’d never be in that position again. And yet, here I am.”
Niall’s gaze was locked on mine, unreadable, his fingers flexing like he wanted to reach for me but didn’t know if he should.
I forced out a breath, my pulse hammering. “I was with a guy who fought me at every turn. And now I’m with a guy who won’t fight to acknowledge me out loud.”
Niall flinched like I’d struck him. His jaw tightened. His throat bobbed like he wanted to say something—but the words didn’t come.
Finally, his voice came, low and rough. “That’s not fair.”
CHAPTER33
NIALL
That’s not fair.
The words left my mouth before I could stop them, but even as they hung between us, heavy and unconvincing, I knew the truth. I knew what Eli meant. I knew the way it must have felt to him, to hear me call him my roommate, to be the person I hid instead of the person I held onto. I knew, because the second the words left his lips, they started replaying in my head like a goddamn echo I couldn’t shake.
I was with a guy who fought me at every turn. And now I’m with a guy who won’t fight to acknowledge me out loud.
I swallowed, my throat tight, my hands clenched into fists at my sides. My first instinct was to push back, to tell him he didn’t understand—that this wasn’t about him, it wasn’t that simple. But I couldn’t make myself say it. Because Eli was right. Maybe I wasn’t like Chase. Maybe I wasn’t cruel or manipulative or controlling. But at the end of the day, the result was the same.
I was keeping him a secret.
I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to steady the rising panic in my chest. My thoughts twisted and tangled, pulling me under. This wasn’t something I could fix with a simple apology. It wasn’t something I could take back.
And worst of all, I didn’t know how to change it.
I’d never meant to make Eli feel like this. I never wanted to make him feel small or hidden or unwanted. But that was the thing about fear. It didn’t care about intentions. It only cared about survival. And for as long as I could remember, survival had meant keeping my walls up.
I’d spent three years running on adrenaline, numbing myself from the pain, from the guilt, from the past. The accident had ripped everything out from under me, left me with nothing but empty spaces and expectations I couldn’t live up to.
My grades slipped, my game started to crack, and the only thing I had left was keeping my head down and pushing forward.
Then Eli happened.
He came in like a force of nature, loud and bright and fucking impossible to ignore. And for the first time in years, I felt something other than exhaustion and obligation. I wanted him. Needed him in a way I didn’t know how to name, in a way I still couldn’t fully understand. I wasn’t like other guys on the team, the ones who talked about girls or hookups or whatever else filled their time. I’d never wanted any of it. Until Eli.
