Page 258 of Scorched Earth
That was true, but Teriana knew the real reason: the casualty list was about to get a lot longer. “Fine.”
The seas grew more violent with every passing minute, and it wasn’t long until Yedda ordered some sails lowered to avoid damaging the ship. The storm was a risk for the vessels in her fleet, but it ensured the legion guarding the low-lying town of Padria would be contending with trying to protect the supplies intended for Emrant from the heavy rain. Teriana prayed to Madoria that it would keeptheir eyes off the seas, because she desperately needed the element of surprise.
How do you do this?She silently whispered the question across the seas to Marcus.How do you stomach making these plans? How do you live with your decisions risking lives?
Nausea abruptly made her head spin, and Teriana leaned over the railing and threw up. Over and over again, until her whole body ached.
“You all right?”
She lifted her head to find Bait standing next to her, easily balancing on the rocking deck. “Still don’t have my sea legs back, I suppose. The waters are rough.”
“Right.” Bait rested his elbows on the rail. “Feels real now. I… I don’t think I really understood what we were getting into until I watched theFuriasink. A lot of our people are going to die, aren’t they?”
“Yeah.” She wiped her mouth on her sleeve. “But hopefully the legions will lose even more.”
He nodded, eyes on the coast. His irises were dark grey, the violent waves in them betraying his fear. “I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry for all the things I said to you. You didn’t deserve that.”
“Yes, I did.”
“No.” Bait turned his head to look at her. “You didn’t. You’ve been in the thick of it from the beginning, and anyone who pretends to understand what that was like is an idiot. I’m an idiot.”
Teriana opened her mouth to tell him that it was fine, but Bait held up his hand. “Just let me finish, all right? We’re going into battle, and I want to say some things. Just in case.”
She didn’t want to think about whatjust in casemeant.
“I didn’t spend much time on that island with the legions’ injured before I went north with Magnius, and while I was with the Cel, I avoided them as much as possible. Refused to talk to them because I hated them. But Yedda and the others… they got to know those men. Came to understand how those in the legions were as much prisoners to this situation as our people, because their freedom was taken when they were children. I see the legions as this faceless enemy, but you and the crew know their names. Have come to know them as individuals. I suppose I never really stopped to think about what it would be like to hurt them once you got to know them.”
Bait was quiet for a long moment, then he said, “I always thought that you and I would end up together. I knew that you didn’t feel the same way about me as I did about you, but I thought that would change. Hoped it would. But I think from almost the first moment Isaw you look at Marcus that I knew you’d never look at me like that. Gods, you didn’t evenlikehim at that point and you still watched him like he was the only person in the world. It… hurt.
“Later, I started hearing the rumors that you two were together, and I didn’t want to believe it. Not because I couldn’t see it being true, but because I didn’t want it to be true. I was so gods-damned jealous, and when I went to Emrant to find you, I went with the intention of making sure you knew what he’d done. Not for Lydia’s sake, and not even for yours, but because I wanted to ruin it. I wanted to hurt him, and to hurt you as much as I was hurting. And like an idiot, I thought that doing so would bring you back to me. Instead, all I did was push you further away.”
Teriana stayed silent because what could she say? She’d always known that Bait’s feelings for her went beyond friendship but hoped that time would fade those feelings. “You weren’t wrong, Bait. And I’m sorry that I’ve pushed you away. I… I don’t know why I did.”
“Because I hurt you, that’s why. I was not your friend in that moment.”
She bit her lip, seeing the truth in that statement.
“When they told me you were alone with him and that I’d have to wait, I knew what was going on,” Bait said. “I didn’t need proof. But I wanted to catch you in the act so that I could make you feel as awful as possible.
“But what I saw, Teriana—it was the last thing I expected.” Bait swallowed hard. “The way he looked at you, it was like you were the only thing in the world that mattered. He loved you in a way that made me feel so gods-damned inadequate because it makes what I feel seem like nothing at all. It made me angry, jealous, and so I made that moment as awful as I could. I wanted to make him suffer as much as I was suffering, and I can’t help but wonder if I hadn’t been such an asshole, if maybe he wouldn’t have marched on Revat.”
“Don’t you dare take blame for what Marcus has done.” Teriana gripped her friend’s shoulders. “No matter how you told me the truth, the result would have been the same. I’d have left him. Because no matter how you told me, the truth would’ve been the same. What was between Marcus and me was always destined to crumble. Not just because of Lydia, but because we stand on opposite sides of a sea that both of us refuse to cross, and to try to remain in the middle would have drowned us both.”
She let go of his shoulders in favor of gripping the rail, feeling abruptly weary. “So many times, I’ve wondered if everything wouldhave been different if I’d only remained. If I could have kept him on a better path and protected him from the Corrupter’s influence. But it is not my duty to keep him on the side of good. It’s not my responsibility to keep him on the right path.”
Yet knowing that didn’t diminish the pain of watching him walk down such a dark road. Didn’t make it hurt less to watch him devolve into his worst self.
“I love him,” she whispered, not sure if she was confessing to herself or to Bait. “Even now I love him so much that sometimes I can’t breathe, but I will not sacrifice everything I am to keep him from succumbing to himself.”
Bait slung an arm around her shoulders, pulling her close. “I’m sorry, Teriana. Truly.”
She leaned against her friend, but what comfort could be gained from the moment was short-lived.
“Padria is in sight!” the lookout called from above.
It was time.
Squaring her shoulders, she met Bait’s gaze. “This is the battle of our lives, Bait. The stem from Padria to Emrant is Marcus’s most critical source of supplies, which means wemustdestroy it. Everyone who matters to us depends on our success here, and you are the trump card up my sleeve. We have the Six on our side, so let’s show the Empire what comes from underestimating the Maarin.”
