Page 60 of Tilly in Technicolor
I bite my lip, giving her a sad, watery smile. “But Mo… you’ve got to realize that if anyone here feels like they have no room for error, it’s me. I’m the one living in your shadow.”
Mona’s look cuts me open with its earnest pain. “I hate that you think that.”
I shrug. “It’s kind of hard not to.”
Mona’s eyes roam around my face like she can decipher some secret code in my features.
I’m starting to feel too much, too sharply, and I wave my hand to dissolve some of the seriousness. “You probably should keep getting ready,” I whisper.
Mona shakes her head then turns fully toward me, gripping my shoulders. “This is more important.”
“What is?”
“You, Tilly. Us. I’m done lying to myself that fixing our relationship can be put off until life calms down a bit.”
“You think it needs fixing?” I say, a few teardrops plopping down my cheeks.
Mona’s smile is devastatingly sad. “I know it does.”
“I… I miss you, Mo. The old you.”
Mona hugs me to her, hard and steady, my muscles melting as she runs her hand over my hair.
My throat squeezes tight, but I decide to be honest with my sister. “I feel like when you left for school, you changed. You… you stopped liking me. Or wanting to be my friend. And I don’t know why.”
“I’m sorry I’ve hurt you,” Mona says. “I’m so sorry I’ve ever made you feel like I don’t like you or that you aren’t wonderful exactly as you are.”
“It feels like I’m not good enough. Not for you or Mom or anyone. Like I’m an annoyance and a burden you’re stuck with. You’re the perfect older sister while I’m the family fuckup.” My words crack on a sob as I press my face into her shoulder.
Mona holds me tighter, a small, fractured sound coming from her throat. “Being your sister is an honor, Tilly. I hate myself for treating you in a way that makes you feel otherwise.”
I let out a deprecating snort.
“I’m serious,” Mona says, pulling back to look me in the eyes. She’s crying, too. “I can’t change Mom or Dad. I can’t make them treat you better. But I do understand. I know how hard it is to break out of any role they cast you in. I’ve folded in on myself under the weight of it.”
It’s never occurred to me that Mona might feel stuck, too.
“But you’re so wonderful,” Mona continues, tucking my hair behind my ears. “You’re hilarious and energetic and brilliant and can pull a smile from just about anyone. I’m sorry I don’t show you enough how amazing I think you are.”
I don’t know what to say, so I lean in to Mona again, lettingher gently rock me from side to side as we learn to be comfortable in our silence.
“I really do love you, Tilly. So much,” she whispers against my hair. “I’m going to get better at showing it.”
Chapter 28Risky Business
TILLY
Eventually, Amina and Mona leave, and I lounge in our room for a bit, scrolling through my phone. My emo moment with Mona has me feeling off-kilter: warm and bubbly but also jittery and ready to move.
For a minute, I contemplate going next door and annoying Oliver, but I know he’s in his editing zone and it doesn’t feel right to invade his bubble.
And maybe I want to be… alone? I’m not sure. I can never decide if I want the freedom of solitude or the energy of another person.
I roll off the bed and bear crawl to my backpack for my wallet, deciding I at least need to get out of this hotel room. Immerse myself in this beautiful new city.
The corner of my laptop sticks out from an inner pocket, and that’s when I finally realize this zapping spark moving on a constant loop from my brain to my fingers is a want to write. Little thought bubbles and pretty words float through my head, shiny and delicious and begging to be chased down, captured on paper.
I make a mad grab for my backpack, zipping it up and dashing from the hotel room and out onto the sidewalk.
