Page 109 of The Plus One
Jude paused, taking a deep breath, trying not to let what he was saying get lost in the jumble of his fear.
“But healing doesn’t end at the reconstruction of a facial fracture or the setting of a femur—that’s just where it starts. We look at these patients who wear their trauma on their body, and instinctively know they need to heal. We can visualize their brokenness and grant them the grace of bed rest. Of physical therapy. Of time to recover.
“We honor the human body. Respect it. But we take the mind for granted. We ignore the invisible illnesses that plague countless people every single day.” Jude’s voice gained volume. Determination.
“We ignore their need for healing, we demand their absolute best when the most essential organ in their body isn’t working at its optimal capacity. We tell them that an ill brain does not grant them grace or compassion. But, sir, I can attest to the torture that we inflict on people when we minimize the impact of a hurting mind.
“There are times I can’t eat, can’t sleep, due to an unfounded sense of absolute fear pounding through my body. If I do sleep, sometimes I wake up and don’t know where I am. I jump to action like bombs are being dropped on me or I lock up, absolutely paralyzed and unable to move forhours. My brain gets stuck. It gets stuck and I’m back in these moments that shaped this fear, inspired this trauma, and I’m shaking and scared and no longer fully myself.” Jude’s voice cracked on the last words, and he took a deep breath, trying to steady himself.
“I cannot heal another human’s body if my own is controlled by this fear. It’s a type of stuck you can’t understand until you experience it. Until you wake up from the nightmares and can’t immediately grab on to reality. Until you get a flashback at work and the past and present merge into a state you can’t function in.
“It’s serious and it’s changed me and there’s no going back. I’mhealing, but it’s slow and painful. It’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. And I worry that if I’m sent back to the environment that was the backdrop to this trauma, I won’t only lose myself, I’ll lose others. And I’m not willing to live with that on my conscience.”
The room was silent. Waiting.
Jude cleared his throat. “So, I guess, the question is: Are you?”
The silence only grew, and Jude’s body continued to quiver over the tension in the room.
After what felt like an eternity, Dr. Prince cleared her throat, leaning forward. “I am not,” she said simply. “So what are the options?” She looked to the men on either side of her.
“Really, there’s two courses of action we can take with this based on the stipulations of your scholarship and the precedent set by similar situations in the past,” Schwartz said with a bored sigh, flipping through his portfolio.
“You can opt to go through psychological testing, both through GHCO’s psychiatric team and outside practitioners for a comprehensive evaluation,” he said, tracing his finger over a page. “Going this route would mean all benefits and pay are suspended until the final determination is granted. Historically, this process has taken anywhere from six months to two years. If the final report is in your favor, you will be discharged from the program without the expectation that you pay back that final year’s worth of work.”
Jude’s hands curled into fists, his nails digging into his skin. In his favor? Did this guy really think that undergoing exhaustive psych evals for two years to be told, yeah, he’s a fucked-up mess, was really a ruling in hisfavor?
“And the other option?” Jude said, voice dark.
“You pay back the GHCO for the amount of time you did not serve out on your contract.”
Big, scary numbers danced across Jude’s brain. He nodded slowly.
“I think it’s important to note,” Parrish chimed in, “that your contract stipulates that any breach in agreed-upon time served will result in a mandatory financial repayment twice what was granted fortuition and living fees plus the amount of interest that would have accumulated had you gone through government student loans; about six percent per year since graduation.”
Schwartz steepled his hands on the table. “Take a second to think about that, Dr. Bailey. Are you really willing to take on that financial burden to get out of thirteen months of work?”
A weighted silence wrapped tightly around them.
“A third option,” Schwartz said, voice low and calm, “is we leave this room and carry on as planned with your next assignment. Maybe we can even find a way to negotiate a shorter term, since your service has been excellent thus far. Maybe even just eleven months? Because, really, what’s a year in the grand scheme of life?”
Jude blinked, his pulse punching against his chest as words and phrases swooped around his already crowded brain.
“The choice is yours, Dr. Bailey,” Schwartz said. “What will it be?”
CHAPTER 38
Indira
Indira respected the silence on the car ride home, letting Jude think while all she wanted to do was ask him a million questions.
She couldn’t hold back any longer, though, when they got into the comfort of her apartment.
“What did they say?” she asked, trying to hide the tang of anxiety saturating every word.
“They offered me a choice,” Jude said, dragging his hands over his face. He laid out the options for her.
“And?” Indira’s heart was in her throat.
