Page 85 of The Plus One
“Those Andersons are nothing but trash,” Indira agreed, keeping up with the neighborhood scandals far better than Jude.
Maria beamed at her before waving her hand to change the subject.
“Jude, sweetheart, when do you have to go to your next assignment?” his mom asked, taking another bite of food. “You have thirteen months left, right?”
Jude had forgotten how sudden it could be, that flip of a switch where one tiny, almost innocuous thing could release a sharp and wild type of anxiety snapping its jaws in Jude’s gut.
The reality of his future trickled through him, a sticky type of dread that pooled in his chest, a reminder of all that pain and suffering that existed outside of the infatuated bubble he shared with Indira. He simultaneously felt everything and nothing, each nerve and muscle in his body short-circuiting as his brain disconnected with his body.
“Jude?” his mom asked softly, setting down her fork. “Are you okay?”
Jude blinked a few times, finally forcing himself to nod. Indira reached for his hand under the table, trying to hold it, but he pulled away.
He couldn’t bear the comfort of her touch without crumbling. His heart was a shattered mess in his chest, the jagged pieces of his past ripping open all the scars.
It was hard to get his mouth to work, his jaw locking up, but he was finally able to force out the words, “Yeah. Fine, sorry.” He clearedhis throat a few times. “I’m set to go back in a little over two weeks. But they’re hosting a few simulated emergency calibration sessions before I’m shipped out.”
“Where are you headed?” Don asked, looking at his son closely. Jude couldn’t meet his eyes.
“Don’t know,” he said with a shrug. “Usually find out last minute. Needs and coordination can shift so quickly.”
Jude could feel Indira’s eyes on him, begging him to look at her. He couldn’t. Wouldn’t.
All of this was such a mistake. A huge mistake. What was Jude thinking, letting his foolish fucking heart get him into this mess? Set him up to hurt Indira so thoroughly?
“We’re so proud of the work you do, sweetie,” Maria said, reaching out to pat his cheek. “You’re a hero. It’s amazing.”
Jude had to choke back the sharp and acidic bile that rose in his throat.
His parents continued to ask questions and make small talk. Jude did his best to answer as normally as possible while the walls of his chest caved in on him, but he knew from the weight of the gazes around him that he wasn’t particularly convincing.
Indira carried a lot of the conversation, her laugh like a knife twisting in Jude’s side as he realized how much he would miss it. How much he already missed it. She was right there next to him but Jude could feel their time being stolen, a wall being laid brick by brick between them. With so much badness embedded in his DNA, where did his heart get off, longing for more?
Eventually, they started to clean up, Maria carefully placing leftovers in Tupperware containers while Don and Indira loaded the dishwasher. Jude made slow work of clearing the table, focusing on the feel of a plate gripped between his fingers, the press of a fork’s handle against his palm.
Finally, a well-timed yawn from his mom inspired Jude’s escape.
“I better head to bed,” he said, glancing at his watch. It was barely past seven, but he didn’t care.
“Oh,” Maria said, her smile turning into a small pout. “So early?”
“We’ll have to hit the road first thing tomorrow morning and… yeah. Super tired.” Jude pretended to yawn.
His mom padded over, giving Jude’s stiff frame a hug. He counted to three before pulling away, saying a few disjointed good nights before escaping out of the kitchen and heading to the den.
Indira wasted no time in following him.
“Jude.” His name was barely a whisper. She might as well have screamed it at him the way it created an avalanche in his chest. He stopped just inside the doorway, head bowed.
“Talk to me,” Indira said, extending her hands toward him. Jude didn’t take them.
“I’m sorry,” Jude said, voice cracking on the words as a sharp tear slashed down his cheek. “But I can’t. I think it’s best if you leave me alone.”
And he shut the door.
CHAPTER 29
Jude
