Page 51 of The Plus One
Tears pricked at Indira’s eyes, then spilled over, hot as they rolled down her cheeks. “Because… fuck, I don’t know? I want him to see me as me? Not as a psychiatrist and not as Collin’s little sister… I want being me to be enough.”
Dr. Koh leaned forward, resting her elbows on her thighs. The silence was thick, and Indira could almost hear Dr. Koh thinking as she studied her.
“Indira,” she said, tilting her head. “There’s something I want you to understand. Something crucial. Regardless of how Jude sees you, regardless of if he gets help or lets you in or any other path his journey may take him on, you are perfectly enough, exactly as you are.”
Indira blinked rapidly, unable to meet her therapist’s eyes.
“Where do you think this fear of not being enough comes from?” Dr. Koh whispered.
“Are you going to make me say it?”
Dr. Koh shook her head. “You don’t have to say anything you don’t want to in here.”
Tears still rolling down her cheeks, Indira sighed, looking away while her leg bounced so hard the entire couch vibrated.
“I was young when my dad left. And little kids… they digest the actions of adults and those around them differently—this isn’t a secret.” Indira’s voice was detached, looking back on her childhood self like she would a patient. “And when your mom’s a mess and your brother won’t talk to you and your world feels like it’s crashingdown, it’s hard not to find something easy to place blame on. And, like, obviously, I developed these thoughts that maybe if I had been a better daughter or done something different or… been enough, none of this would have happened.”
Indira looked at Dr. Koh, soul weary.
“And I… I don’t know. I guess I started seeking that approval wherever I could get it. However I could, because maybe then it would prove that I am enough and I’m worth sticking around for.”
The silence ticked through the room, and Indira let out a defeated sigh. “I know it’s not a rational thought. Like, I one hundred percent recognize that these fears and this need for extrinsic validation doesn’t determine my worth. But it doesn’t stop me fromfeelingit.”
The problem with being self-aware and introspective while also being, admittedly, emotionally damaged was that Indira could reason through her feelings and their source and how they didn’t serve her, but she also couldn’t stop the ruminating circles of feeling them.
“We place these expectations that being aware of our brain or emotions lying to us means that we should automatically be able to get over it,” Dr. Koh said, eyes locked on Indira. “That’s simply not how it works. We wouldn’t expect someone with asthma to recognize they have asthma and then be able to go and sprint a mile without needing an inhaler. Healing from those internal wounds takes time. Sometimes a lifetime. But it’s the willingness to work on it that matters.”
“I’m tired,” Indira admitted on a small, choked-back sob.
“I know, dear,” Dr. Koh said, eyes filled with understanding.
“What do I do?”
“You rest up. And then, when you’re ready, you keep working.”
CHAPTER 20
Jude
“Are you excited for Saturday?” Collin asked, twisting Jude’s tie into an elaborate knot as he tried on his groomsman suit at the tailor’s.
“I actually really am,” Jude said, tugging at the sleeves of his jacket.
Collin shot him a look. “I’m going to pretend to not pick up a double meaning in there that you haven’t been equally excited for all the other wedding-adjacent events.”
Jude gave his best attempt at looking sheepish.
He had found an open date in Collin’s packed schedule and asked him to go camping, like when they were kids, pitching the idea as pre-wedding rest and relaxation.
Jude loved the outdoors. He and Collin had spent most of their adolescence roaming in the woods that bordered the back of Collin’s house, camping out in the backyard through the summer and as much of the fall as their parents would allow. The idea of hanging out with his best friend in the peacefulness of nature was like a soothing hand rubbing over his sternum.
“I think we’ll have good weather too,” Collin added, frowning at the tie and then undoing it, fingers moving quickly as he gaveit a second attempt. “Maybe we could even try to do some fishing Sunday morning.”
Jude could practically hear the babbling brook, and he was giddy with anticipation. But there was a tiny, nagging void in all their weekend plans.
“So,” Jude said casually, pushing Collin’s fiddling fingers away from his tie. “Should we invite Indira?”
“Dira?Camping?” Collin snorted. “No. Never. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone so outdoors adverse.”
