Page 23 of The Plus One
“Does your relationship with Jude have a more correct feeling?”
Indira snorted at that.
“Why’s that funny?” Dr. Koh asked.
Indira blew out a deep breath. “I’ve known Jude my entire life. He lived on the same block as us growing up, and he and Collin were best friends from the jump. But he and I have always been, like, these fundamental opposites. Even as a kid he was serious; had a certain sharpness about him. And I was nothing but soft spots.”
Dr. Koh gave her a gentle smile.
“But despite that, I was always chasing after them, always forcing my way into their world. I wanted so badly to be their best friend too. Jude spent so much time at our house, always eating dinner with us or sleeping over. During the summer it was like he lived with us. And he and I foughtall the time. And it was always about the silliest stuff. A snarky comment, a mean look, breathing too loud… I could always get under his skin, and I kind of loved it. It meant he saw me.”
Indira rubbed her hand over her chest, a soft ache growing as she sifted through the memories.
“After my dad left,” Indira continued, swallowing past the bubble of rage that burned her throat, “my mom wasn’t able to hang on to the house, so we moved into this cramped two-bedroom apartment—don’t even get me started on the turmoil of being a teenager and sharing a room with your older brother. It forced closeness on us.”
The fondness in Indira’s voice earned her another soft chuckle from Dr. Koh.
“But even then, Jude was stillalwaysaround.”
He and Collin playing video games. All of them eating pizza around the small table her mom insisted they have nightly dinner at. Jude was a constant in the shifting mosaic of her childhood.
“We didn’t have much contact during college, but I had a year ofoverlap in med school with Jude and Collin, and we still battled each other like when we were little. Old habits and all that…”
Indira missed their constant teasing. Their bickering. It used to be… fun. She wasn’t really sure what she wanted from him now, but she was filled with this overwhelming urge tofindhim under that cold and distant mask, pull the Jude she used to know up to the surface.
“His scholarship required him to go to areas of need or disaster or conflict zones to perform emergency medicine. At his going-away party, I kind of… panicked a bit.”
“How so?” Dr. Koh asked.
“It wasn’t any big scene or anything, but I remember spending the night with this knot of anxiety in my chest. This overwhelming dread that Jude would be… gone.” She blinked past the sharp pinpricks of tears in her eyes. “Having him be this steady presence in my life for so long, it felt terrifying for him to leave, no matter how annoying he was. Is.”
Dr. Koh let the silence linger for a minute before asking, “Have you talked to Jude about this?”
“Oh, fuck no,” Indira said, eyes shooting wide in horror. “That would be, uh, rather mortifying.”
“How so?”
“Because… I don’t know. It would be weird. We’re not…feelywith each other. It’s all surface level with us. It would be so random.”
Indira was getting a bit sick of these extended silences of Dr. Koh’s, hot damn.
“What would I even say?” Indira asked, throwing her hands up. “‘Hey, you going off and doing that whole living-your-life thing like an autonomous adult is supposed to stir up complicated feelings of abandonment in me and now I can’t stop worrying about you?’”
“Perhaps somewhat less sarcastic, but yes, something along those lines.”
“Absolutely not,” Indira said, shaking her head.
“Why?”
“Because I… It’s fucked up.”
“What’s fucked up?”
Indira wasn’t sure why, but she was crying. Tiny, hot tears burning her cheeks, her shoulders shaking with the force.
“I’m fucked up,” she said at last, shrugging. “I panic when people leave. It feels as permanent as death and I react like that’s what happened. Every boyfriend in high school. And college. And med school… I’ve had so many people walk out of my life after I cling to them too hard and it’s embarrassing. I’m not about to put that on Jude, especially when any connection we have isn’t one of emotional intimacy.”
She took a shuddering breath, trying to calm the sharp jabs of her heartbeat. “I’m not looking to have a conversation with Jude that shows him how fucked up I am. I’m just not.”
