Page 106 of The Plus One
Sharp tears pricked at Jude’s eyes, and he tried to blink them away, sucking in a deep breath.
“I think it’s also important to note,” José continued, “how a great deal of our perceptions of our experiences and the trauma we’ve been a part of creates these fantasies of alternative paths our lives could have taken. We preserve worlds of what could have been. Worlds of what-ifs. It’s easy to get trapped there. What if I hadn’t decided to become a doctor? What if I’d chosen debt over the scholarship? What if I’d been standing there instead of the person I’m now trying to resuscitate?
“These alternative realities can claw at us almost as much as the memories of what really happened. But we have to find those sticking points. Ease our brains away from them. What we have is the present moment. We have our feelings and emotions and the best thing we can do is honor those pieces of ourselves. We can’t change our participation in the past, but we can pave the way for a healthier, mindful future.”
Jude was properly crying. And it was okay. It hurt—his chest ached and throat burned and every muscle in his body tensed as he sobbed—but it was the type of sharp pain that came with healing.
And that was the best he could do.
Eventually, he collected himself and left the office, confirming his appointment time for the next week. And the one after.
As Jude was walking to Indira’s apartment, his phone rang, Collin’s name lighting up the screen with a FaceTime call. Jude smiled as he answered.
“Hello?”
“Greetings from Costa Rica!” Collin cheered, holding up a giant frozen drink, his smile and the ocean behind him sparkling in the sun.
“Wow, weather looks awful,” Jude deadpanned. “Bet you wish you were home.” He flipped the screen for a moment, showing off the bleak gray darkness of November in Philadelphia.
“Yeah, this much sunshine is certainly hard to stomach,” Collin said before taking a giant gulp of his drink.
Jude laughed. “Are you having fun?”
“Oh my god, we’re having the best time,” Collin said, facing lighting up. “We went hiking today and swam in this lagoon waterfall thing. And the food, dude. I can’t stop stuffing my face. This is heaven on earth.”
Jude’s heart swelled at the happiness in his best friend’s voice.
“I can’t talk for long,” Collin said, taking another sip. “But I just wanted to check in with you. I know tomorrow is a big day.”
Jude bit back a sigh, nodding. He hadn’t wanted to burden Collin with everything going on—shocking absolutely no one, requesting discharge from a program that had invested over half a million dollars in him and relied on his work to function meant a fuckton of paperwork and a plethora of invasive interviews to determine the “validity” of Jude’s claim—but Indira had encouraged him to be honest with his friend.
“I’m nervous,” Jude admitted, gaze darting up the street before hecrossed an intersection. “But I’m ready to get tomorrow over with. Rip the Band-Aid off.”
“I’m proud of you,” Collin said, voice deep with emotion. “And, um, I’m really fucking sorry.”
Jude stopped walking, giving his full attention to the call. “For what?”
Collin squinted to the side, biting his lip for a moment. “Jude, I’ve pretty much massively failed you as a friend.”
Jude’s frown deepened. “I seriously don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I should have known.” Collin’s usually smiling face crumpled, tears threatening to spill from his eyes. “I should have known you were hurting as badly as you were. Done more to help you. Find out what’s going on. I knew something was up with you but I brushed it off. Convinced myself you were more or less fine. I—”
“Collin.” Jude’s voice cracked on his best friend’s name as he cut him off. “I want to emphasize something to you: I didn’t want you to know. I didn’t want you to notice how different I was. I didn’t want you to bring it up or push me to talk about it or anything like that. I was hiding the hurt because I was scared of it. Terrified. All I wanted was to seem normal as we celebrated your wedding.”
Collin shook his head, dragging a hand down his face. “A real friend would have noticed. I was so caught up in my own stuff. I’m sorry.”
Jude wanted to reach through the phone and shake Collin, make him understand.
“Collin, no. You know I don’t bullshit people or say things to spare people’s feelings—” Collin let out a wet laugh at that horribly accurate description. “And the same goes for you. Hiding what I was going through was some destructive attempt at self-preservation, but it was what I wanted. I will never, ever fault you for being swept up in your wedding. Enjoying it as fully as you did. That’s all I ever wanted for you. And Jeremy. The two of you to be ridiculously happy. I didn’t want you to see my hurt and have it distract from your wedding.”
Collin was quiet for a second, blinking up at the sky. “Indira saw it,” Collin said, a tinge of something close to jealousy in his voice. “I’m supposed to know you better than she does.”
Jude let out a loud laugh at that. “That’s only because the damn woman wouldn’t let me hide. She pretty much forced the feelings out of me. You know how hardheaded she is.”
Collin laughed too, the sound familiar and comforting. “I’m glad she did,” he said after a moment, giving Jude a tiny smile.
It was Jude’s turn to blink back tears. He loved her so much it was impossible to think about her without his heart getting so overwhelmed it wanted to burst from his chest. “I am too.”
