Page 104 of The Plus One
“Everyone deserves that,” Indira said simply. “That’s what makes love so beautiful. We don’t have to be perfect. I know I can fall apart with you, I can thrash and struggle and slog through my demons and your arms will always hold me. Let me be that for you too.”
Jude continued to stare at her for a moment before closing his eyes and nodding. He felt Indira press her lips softly against his forehead.
“What comes next?” he asked, not fearing the answer as much as he expected to.
Indira bit her lip, eyes roaming across his features. “I think the most important thing is you find help. Someone to talk to. A psychologist. Maybe even group therapy. Being around people whoknowwhat it’s like. Have experienced situations similar to yours. It could be really validating to share in that kind of space. Help you learn to love yourself like you deserve.”
Jude’s body jolted like she’d electrocuted him.
Is that… is that what he needed? The idea felt almost lewd. Gratuitous. Something he didn’t deserve.
And Indira, never missing a thought that flicked through Jude’sbrain, seemed to read the sentiment on his features. She traced her thumb over his cheek as she looked at him.
“Loving yourself isn’t a sin, Jude. Giving yourself love won’t diminish the love and caring you give to others. In fact, it’s one of the best things you can do for the people in your life.”
“How?”
She smiled at him. “When you love yourself, you commit to knowing yourself,” Indira said, moving her hands to play with his hair. “And when you know yourself, you also know your needs. Space. Attention. Help. Tenderness. Being able to acknowledge these needs in yourself lets you voice them to others and also understand more fully when others voice their needs to you. It allows you to experience your emotions more fully. Be more present in each one with the people you love.”
For some reason, her words felt like a punch to the throat, a strong surge of emotion threatening to smash him to pieces. He felt vulnerable. Overwhelmed. He felt… Well, wasn’t that what Indira was already telling him? To fully feel. To share that with her.
“I want that,” he said, dragging his hand through her hair, curls twisting between his fingers. “I want that with you.”
“Then that’s what we’ll do,” she said with firm, lovely determination.
And Jude believed her. Indira would never lie to him. Sharply honest, terrifyingly hopeful. If Indira said something was true, Jude would believe her. He’d do everything in his power to make it so.
CHAPTER 35
Jude
For a man who had spent most of his life convincing himself and others he was infallible, it was only moderately earth-shattering for Jude to admit he couldn’t do what was being asked of him. He’d always been quick to flex his skills, his capabilities, signing up for extra rotations in med school, taking on extra shifts during residency, doing all of it without breaking a sweat.
Admitting something was outside of his capabilities still had a bitter taste of shame burning his tongue, but Jude was learning to swallow past it.
After a series of emails, Jude finally secured a meeting with his direct supervisor and assignment coordinator, Dr. Nora Prince.
He sat outside her office, knee bouncing in time with her assistant’s ceaseless typing as a nervous pang squeezed his heart and prickled up to his shoulder, shooting down to the tips of his fingers.
Fuck. Feeling things was hard.
“Hi, Jude?” Dr. Prince said, opening her office door at last.
“Hi. Yes. Hi,” Jude babbled out, fumbling with the button of his suit coat as he stood and moved toward her. “Thank you for taking the time to meet with me so soon.”
“Of course,” she said, ushering him into her office and taking aseat behind a large mahogany desk. “But, in all honesty, the tone of your emails didn’t leave me much choice. They seemed increasingly distressed about your upcoming assignment.”
Jude’s cheeks heated a little but he nodded. It was true. He was desperate and distressed and spent most of the night pacing his room in worry about the ticking clock.
“I think that’s a fair assessment,” Jude said, voice tight.
“Is there an issue with your travel arrangements?” Dr. Prince asked, glancing at her computer as it dinged with a notification.
“No. Not exactly. It’s—”
“Accommodations, then? I know there’s a level of uncertainty on housing at your new spot, but I assure you we’ll get it ironed out before you land or at least within a few days of arrival. You know how things go.” She started typing something, eyes firmly fixed on the computer screen now.
Jude let out a humorless laugh. “I certainly do.”
