Page 58 of A Labor of Hate
A worthy agenda, to be fair.But would anyone else see it that way?I’d sworn I wasn’t going to have kids.Ever.Living my undercover identity was like mocking the dream so many had, including Vivienne.
Even if I’d changed my mind about wanting kids, would that change anything about this situation?Would it wash even a sliver of the guilt away?Or would it simply paint over the jagged edges—the gray areas inherent in this assignment—with empty justification in landlord-white?
HadI changed my mind?
Vivienne’s answer from earlier swirled around my thoughts.My sole reason for choosing not to have kids didn’t come down to lost sleep, poopy diapers, finding babysitters, or all the ways babies might inconvenience me.Those sacrifices weren’t the issue.Avoiding the pain of losing them and the way it would tear me and my spouse apart was.But was I still willing to let that fear take away all the happiness and growth I could share with my child?
Now, Colt’s words filtered through my muddled thoughts.Honestly, his and Vivienne’s takes on the topic were eerily similar.Either they were in cahoots, or they were on to something.
Considering it’syourfuture, I’d say what you want matters a lot.
What if I didn’t put the “greater good” before my desires?If I shelved my fear, took it completely out of the equation, what did Iwant?
A family.
I wanted a family of my own.I wanted the messy kisses and sticky hands, the tears and tantrums, the cuddles and tiny voices filling my home.I wanted the good, the bad, and the ugly—the sunshine and the rain.To love and be loved so much that it could tear me apart to lose it.
Because sometimes giving someone the power to ruin you is worth the risk.
“We’d just about given up,” Vivienne continued, oblivious to my inner turmoil.“Fertility treatments aresoexpensive, and it’s so hard to find insurance that’ll cover even a portion of them.The constant failed attempts and roller coaster of raised and then crushed hope weighs on you.”
“I can imagine,” I murmured.
I didn’t know much about fertility treatments aside from a rough estimate of how expensive they were.Some were painful and invasive, too.
“But the latest round of IVF actually succeeded.”Vivienne smiled at her bump and rested her hand on it.“That’s why Charles suggested Matisse as the name.Present of God.As much as I like the name Wyatt, I can’t deny that this baby feels like a gift.”
My throat threatened to swell shut with the lump building in it.How could I betray her now?How could I lock her husband up and leave her to be a single mom when all she and Charles ever wanted was a baby?
I squeezed my eyes shut.Focus.Charles had taken other people’s children away.Permanently.Like Dominick.His drugs had caused such strong addictions that his customers would prefer death over withdrawal.I couldn’t leave him—the man who tweaked the drugs that had killed my brother—free to roam the streets.No matter how devoted a husband he was, or how good of a father he’d be.
“It’s a beautiful name,” I finally managed, “and I have no doubt your little boy will be beautiful, too.”
“Thanks.”She hummed contentedly as the masseuse moved to massage her leg.“Your baby is going to be adorable, too.Do you think they’ll get Colt’s freckles?”
“I hope so,” I chuckled.
The thought sent a thrill zipping through my bloodstream.It should’ve scared me, how easy and natural it felt to pretend that Colt and I were a real item.To picture our future child.After all, everything was fake for the sake of the cover.Everything except my stupid crush on him, but that would end when the assignment did, too.Really.
And the fact that pretending came so easilydidn’tscare me—thatwas terrifying.
Vivienne sighed dreamily.“I swear, if the baby gets your eyes and curls and his freckles, I think I might die.”
I laughed.“Lately I feel more like a blimp in a frizzy wig than anyone even remotely attractive, so that’s sweet of you.”
And then there was my run-in with Liam fresh in my mind.The only male attention beyond an appreciative glance that I’d received from someone whowasn’ton the other side of an interrogation in months.
“Are you kidding me?Every guy in that restaurant was eying you until Colt scared them off.”
I furrowed my brow, barely stopping myself before jerking my head in her direction.Surely she’d read more into things than was realistic, right?There had been some curious stares, but we were two obviously pregnant women surrounded by a squad of men of varying degrees of scariness.Whowouldn’tgawk at that?
The cool, collected person I liked to think I was opened her mouth to say how any men in the vicinity had been looking atherrather than me.But the sputtering, twitterpated idiot who’d started catching feelings for her fake husband hijacked my vocal cords at the last second.All I managed was a slurred “uhhhhwhaaaaa?”
Her laugh filled the room.“You don’t have to pretend you didn’t notice, Lex.Any man who looked too long at you got the death stare from Colt whenever you weren’t watching.”
Chills danced up my spine.A smile pulled at the corner of my mouth despite my best intentions.My pride wouldn’t let me accept that she might be right and that I’d missed those cues when I’d supposedly been on high alert.But the thought that Colt might be possessive or protective of me made me…giddy.
Yep.Giddy.Like a schoolgirl whose crush just shared gum with her.
