Page 84 of A Labor of Hate
I reined in my anticipation.“Are you sure?You’re not going to change your mind after our next disagreement again?Because there will be lots of those.”
He winced almost imperceptibly again and pulled me against him.I wrapped my arms around him.His heart beat steadily, his chest warm and firm against my cheek.His fingers traced indiscernible patterns on my scalp as he played with my hair, and it took significant concentration to keep my eyes from rolling back from the pleasure.
“As you know,” he began, his voice a rumble against my cheek, “I need to be in control of as many aspects of my life as possible.I also want to fall in love and get married.These two desires have been at odds with each other, and I realized after our disagreement Sunday night that…”
A muted flush came from the restrooms again.Colt sighed and pulled away, his brow furrowed.“Should we walk and talk?This seems like a decidedly unromantic location to be having this discussion.”
I laughed, surprised by both the accuracy of his words and his ability to transform a semi-dingy hallway with flushing toilets into one of my new favorite places.“Yeah, let’s do that.”
It wasn’t until we’d walked out of the rec center after retrieving my gym bag that he picked up where he’d left off.The setting sun painted the sky pink and purple.The light breeze alleviated the humidity in the air.And when he led me to a bench in the sidewalk under a fragrant flowering tree nearby, I didn’t miss the hallway one bit.
We sat for a moment without speaking, his brow creased and his mouth pressed into a frown.It was an expression I knew like the back of my hand by now.The evidence of the intricate gears in his mind spinning.
“I don’t want to control you, Lex,” he finally said, tracing the lines of my fingers as he held them in his lap.“I love your independence and your moxy and all the ways we naturally complement each other.I don’t want to change anything about you.”
His words were morphine in my bloodstream.The delirium that came from such euphoria—weightlessness and invincibility and the unmistakable reality that I balanced on a razor’s edge, where every bliss had a price and every high had a low inextricably tied to it.And I was about to fall.
“Youaren’t what I want to control about us,” he emphasized, meeting my eyes before returning his attention to our hands.“I realized Sunday night, though, that I could try my best to do right by you, to let the last of my walls down and let you in.And you could decide one day that you didn’t want me anymore.Just like that.I’d have no control over that whatsoever.And that isterrifying.”
I frowned.That was what he’d been worried about—thatIwould decide I didn’t wanthim?When I’d already resigned myself to the probability thathedidn’t wantme?Absolutely mind-boggling.
His cheeks pinked in the golden evening light.A bird flew into the tree overhead, returning to its nest.“So I pulled away.Distanced myself so I wouldn’t develop deeper feelings for you or risk getting hurt if you decided you wanted to break up later.I told myself it was the logical thing to do, that it was better this way because it would be a clean break with minimal hurt feelings, and that was best for our working relationship, but in reality” —he shifted guiltily— “I was doing the exact thing I told you not to do.Where you wall off a part of you so no one can hurt you.And that made me realize I wasn’t following my own advice in something else, too.”
I resisted the urge to let my shock show on my face.No wonder he’d been so evasive and quiet.In the span of three days, he’d done more inner work and soul-searching than most people I knew did in years.Then again, this was Colt.All my preconceptions went out the window when it came to him.
He offered a slight, self-deprecating smile.“I’d asked you if you would trade the memories of your brother for never having to grieve his passing.For never having your heart broken.Yet there I was, depriving myself of something I desperately wanted for the sake of avoiding potential heartbreak.”
I hummed in understanding, smiling softly to myself.The more I learned about him, the more our seemingly opposite selves had in common.We even feared the same thing, no matter if it was for different reasons.
He inhaled the flowery air deeply, the breeze ruffling his tousled hair.“So, yes.As you said, something has to give if we’re going to make this work.If wewantto make this work.And, rather than sacrifice what could’ve been between us” —he squeezed my hand, the corner of his mouth still curved upward— “I’m sacrificing my need for control.Even if it scares me senseless to have everything I’ve wanted only to lose it at any time.Because some things—somepeople—are worth the risk.Youare worth the risk.”
My breath whooshed out like I’d been sucker punched by love.My mind went blank, all words replaced with a fierce, bone-deep warmth and affection for the man beside me.I wasn’t sure I’d ever been in love before, but this felt like the closest I’d gotten so far.
“I want the memories, Lex,” he murmured, caressing my cheek.“No matter what happens.”
My mouth went dry.I wanted to capture this moment to keep forever, the memory making every bit of potential pain worth it ten times over.And if this was what awaited us, I’d join him on the trapeze every time, without question.Without hesitation.
“And I want you to ruin me,” I whispered back.
His eyebrows shot up, his eyes dark and hungry as they darted to my lips.“Believe me, I’m planning on doing just that, in due time.”
I chuckled, the warmth in my chest spreading outward until I could feel it in my toes.“I mean I want to…care aboutyou so deeply that losing you would ruin me.Because anything less than that doesn’t feel like living at all.”I rested my hand over his and smirked.“Though I amreallylooking forward to seeing what you have planned for ruining me in…other ways.”
“You know how seriously I take my planning,” he warned.
If he’d wanted to scare me off, he’d done the exact opposite.As much as I loved playing things by ear, I had a feeling I’d stick to this particular plan of his.Religiously.
His hand slid along my jaw to tip my chin up.“Now, since open communication is our M.O, I’d like to confess how frustratingly difficult it is to focus while being this close to you, but especially now that I finally know how you taste.”
I licked my lips in anticipation.He tracked the movement.
“Funny,” I mused quietly, closing the gap between us until his breath feathered against my face, “I can say the same thing about you.”
CHAPTERTWENTY-SIX
Lex’s Top SecretMental Log, Undercover Assignment 25-28:
The Spouse was able to record the segment of conversation he overheard between ButtFace and the other bodyguard.Besides learning that the loaned muscle are getting antsy and the timeline for the cocktail has been moved up, we don’t have anything else usable.Charles was never specifically named, and the “it” they talked about was never identified as anything illicit.
