Page 33 of A Labor of Hate
That seemed to convince Colleen and Joseph.Colt, on the other hand, twisted to watch me carefully.Great.The last thing I needed was him psychoanalyzing me.Ever, preferably, but especially right now.
I schooled my features into my characteristic politely neutral expression as Colleen continued.
“Children really are such a blessing, dear.They teach what love really is.And patience, for that matter.”She and Joseph chuckled at that.“How many do you plan on having?”
The lump was back.With a vengeance.Not that they were doing anything wrong, aside from asking a rather nosy question.But all this talk of children opened a familiar ache deep within me.My throat constricted, eyes prickling again.I clenched my jaw, unable to find my voice while maintaining my composure.
Thankfully, Colt answered.“I think we’ll have to decide after we know what it’s like to have one.”
They chuckled in reply.
“Good idea.It’s quite the adjustment, that’s for sure,” Joseph said.
They babbled about baby things for a few more minutes, though I didn’t hear any of it.With each passing second, I was sucked into my thoughts and left swirling in the darkness.The grief didn’t strike as often these days.But today, it hit hard.My chest weighed down with lead, crowding my lungs until I couldn’t take a deep breath.I clenched my hands together, wringing my pajama shirt between them.Years.It happened years ago now.But the ripples still rocked through our family like an earthquake.
I didn’t snap out of my trance until Colt placed his hand on my thigh.As if observing from afar, my eyes slowly traced his arm back to his body, and then up to his face.The concern written across his features was so out of place I almost thought I was still dreaming.Or hallucinating.
I went through the motions of bidding Colleen and Joseph goodbye, letting Colt do all the talking.When the door closed behind them, Colt confronted me.
“What happened back there?You totally froze and zoned out.That isn’t like you.”He rested his hands on his hips.“If I didn’t know better, I’d almost thought you were going to cry.This is all pretend, remember?You’re not actually pregnant with my child.”
I couldn’t muster up a response, let alone a sarcastic one.Memories played behind my eyes, drowning him out.Our family getting the phone call early in the morning.Mom screaming and sobbing.Dad retreating into himself.A shell of what they once were.Dekker and I left to pick up the pieces.The empty chair at the table.Always empty.
“Lex.”Colt gripped my upper arms, eyes flicking over my face.How long had he been trying to get my attention?“Are you okay?”
With great effort, I pulled my thoughts away from the memories scrolling through my brain.If only avoiding them lessened the dead weight on my chest or soothed the pricking tears in my eyes.I cleared my throat, though my voice still wobbled.Oh well.“I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not.What’s going on?”
I fought to take a deep breath, willing the heaviness in my chest to dissipate.“Nothing.I told you, I’m fine.”
“And I’m calling you on it,” he shot back, lips pulling into a frown.“Now, what happened?”
I stared at him, memorizing his features as they were now.No contempt.No pride.No annoyance.Just concern etched in the wrinkle between his brows.Confusion in the pull of his frown.For a moment, it felt as if we were two strangers, meeting again for the first time.No history, no hard feelings.
But we weren’t.Colt hated me.I hated him.Any concern he had for me only reached as far as whether whatever I was going through would affect our objective.
I tipped my jaw up, steeling myself.“It won’t affect the assignment, don’t worry.”
“That’s not what I’m worried about.”
I scoffed.
“Okay, it’s not mymainconcern.I really want to know what’s going on with you.”
I sighed, pulling away from his grasp.My words held no heat, only defeat.If I wasn’t fighting for control over my emotions already, I would have had the presence of mind to feel ashamed that he’d won.But not right now.“No offense or anything, Colt, but why would I tell you?You’d just use it against me.”
He paused, his frown deepening and his voice quiet.“You really think I’d do that?”
I shrugged.“Don’t have a reason not to.”
He shook his head, dragging a hand down his face.“I’m really not the monster you think I am, Lex.Whatever’s going on, you can trust me with it.We’re in this together, for better or worse.And that means having each other’s back.”
Could I trust him, though?And with something I’d never told anyone here?My gut said yes while my head screamed no.
“It’s… about my family,” I finally ground out.
Why was I telling him anything?I had no idea.Maybe because, if I didn’t tell someone about it, if I didn’t talk about it, I’d be left alone with it.Most days I could ignore it, push it away, distract myself.But, aside from taking the reins at the ballroom classes this week, I didn’t have any distractions handy until lunch with the Gauthiers on Saturday.And once Colt and I both left the house for any extended time, Gauthier’s goons would likely make their move.Invade our space, likely bug the place.
