Page 38 of Where Are You Now
“Does this need to see Lucas still have to do with the voice you’d heard?” her mother asked. “Because I think you’ve achieved what was asked of you.”
“You know, this began because of the voice, but the more time I spend in Nashville and with you, the closer I feel to my childhood and to who I really am deep down. Lucas was a big part of who I was. I didn’t realize how much I struggled when Dad died. And Lucas was my best friend. I lost him too. I can’t get Dad back, but I can have Lucas. Even though we’re both different people now, being with him makes me feel better.”
Her mom put her hands together in prayer and peered up at the ceiling. “That might be the best thing I’ve heard you say since you got here. It’s time to move away from the frenzied events of the crash and start living your life.”
Live out the rest of your life.
“Yeah, you’re right.”
Originally,Ava had been indifferent about the remainder of the cognitive testing with Dr. Williams, but with Lucas meeting her right after, she couldn’t wait to get there. Being behind the wheel again was slowing her down, however.
She’d given herself plenty of time for the trip into Nashville, not knowing how long it might take her to get used to driving again. With every turn, she’d double-checked her mirrors, and she hung back on the entrance ramp to I-65 until there was no one around before she got up to speed and merged onto the highway. Even still, she must have peered in her rearview mirror once a minute. And every time a carwhooshed past her in the fast lane, she flinched. But it would all be worth it, because she was meeting Lucas.
Ava still managed to get to Vanderbilt, park the car, and check in ten minutes early. She was called back and waiting in the testing room when Dr. Williams arrived.
“Last day of cognitive testing. Are you excited?” The doctor opened her laptop and typed.
“I’m ready.”
“Great. Today, the goal is to assess your emotional responses and how you handle problems.”
“Okay.”
“Yesterday, you’d mentioned the loss of a parent during your younger years. Avoidance of emotion is your brain’s way of coping sometimes. It just isn’t always the healthiest way.”
“I’m feeling more open to experiencing my emotions.”
“That’s wonderful. How about your work environment? How do you feel about work?”
Did she have some kind of list of all Ava’s problems?
“I ask because sometimes, people who avoid their emotions can throw themselves into tasks as a coping strategy. Do you deal with this at all?”
She’d hit the nail on the head.
“Yes.”
Was Ava really just a series of neuroses reacting to the stimuli in her world? She’d thought her decision to work all hours of the day had been to better her career, but the work ethic she’d been so proud of had been simply to mask her grief for her dad.
Dr. Williams continued to ask about her life, and the more inquiries Ava answered, the more she began to question everything. That voice came back to her:Live out the rest of your life. What life, exactly? She didn’t really have one. She was simply existing to work, giving all her free hours to someone else, some other entity, and for what? A fancy title and extramoney that she’d never spend because of the workload required to achieve that level of pay? As the clock ticked, she became more confused about what to do with the rest of her life.
She’d never been more relieved when the testing finished.
With an appointment card for her therapy session next week in hand and a booklet that explained her initial cognitive test scores, Ava got into her mom’s car and drove to Percy Warner, trying to shake the low feeling that had come over her. How silly of her to have entertained the thought that they could help each other. After all the questions about her nonexistent life, who was she to coax Lucas into doing anything?
Ava’s spirits lifted, however, when she found him standing at the bottom of the staircase that led up the hill. As a girl, her time with him had been filled with possibility, and seeing him again brought the same feeling to the surface. The difference was, back then, they were both fearless.
She parked the car and got out. Lucas waved and tentatively made his way down the path toward her.
“Hey,” she said when he reached her.
“Hi.” The innocence that used to surface whenever he greeted her as a kid was completely gone.
Not feeling her usual confidence, an awkward silence fell between them. Ava waved at the blue, cloudless sky above them.
“It’s a beautiful day.”
“Yeah.” A pause. “Shall we walk?”
