Page 66 of Crying Shame
She took my hand, and her eyes were clear. “I don’t think so. Children grow quickly.”
“I don’t want to trap you.”
“And I don’t want to think about a commitment I can’t give.”
I held her hand in place. “Let's table that discussion till your third therapy session.”
She curled into me, pressed her amazing breasts against my body, and squeezed my ass. “Third? Why third?”
I met her gaze and realized I was totally in love with her. “I wasn’t sure what number to put on it, but I feel you’re afraid of committing or even talking to me.”
“You’re the only man I ever wanted,” she said softly.
“It’s not the same thing,” I said.
She never held back sexually. I hope she realized that one day soon, she was going to be mine forever.
31
Clarissa
A week later
All week I’d kept my lips sealed, but I wondered if it would be better for everyone if I just disappeared. Leaving Sam felt impossible—Elon, too, if I was honest with myself. The possibility of having a baby that would hold me here forever plagued me. I wanted another of Elon's children, but I didn't have any right to the life that played out every day.
I’d not told Elon my fear because heart-to-heart conversations ended with him telling me he wanted me.
And the truth was I wanted to hear that.
I sat on the couch in his office with my laptop and typed up the schedule I’d spent hours pasting together from all the requests. I'd also made appointments for next week with the psychologist and therapist Elon had recommended for me.
I packed a bag and hid it in my room, so I could run if needed. However, I kept coming back to the fact that I was the only one who could fix me.
Elon and his colleagues couldn’t—even if Elon loved me.
He sat at his desk, speaking to one of his colleagues about a patient’s plan of care. I checked his schedule and saw he had an important Zoom meeting at ten tomorrow. If I needed to dash out at that time, I could.
I clicked away from the schedule in case he saw my screen and asked what I was doing. I had no answer for him. I had no answers for me. I tugged my ear and wondered if he only thought he loved me because he wanted to rescue me from my horrible mistakes. No one had ever loved me for who I was as a person.
I half wanted to talk to him about it. He hung up the phone, and I decided not to drag him into the disaster that was my life.
I wasn’t worthy of him. He noticed that I'd stopped typing, pivoted his chair, and smiled. My heart melted a little. “I can’t believe it’s already Friday. How about going to Manhattan tonight so we can let Sam and Aurora play again?”
I wished making future plans was as easy for me as it was for him. His suggestion had made me happy, but I said, “Let me finish working on this schedule. We’ll talk in a few minutes.”
“Right. I’ll let you work.” He scooted his wheeled chair closer.
I giggled as I typed. His nearness sent a tingle through me. I took a deep breath. I wished I was free to love him, but to love him I’d have to get my own life in gear.
My skin buzzed. “Are you just going to stare at me?”
“I like looking at you.”
I pressed my lips together. “I’m trying to concentrate on your schedule.”
His gaze went to my breasts and hands as I checked off a task on my notepad. “The way you’re holding that pencil is quite distracting.”
I turned toward him, and my lips quirked higher. “Yet if I don’t finish this, I'll have to do it later, when we could have time for ourselves.”
