Page 52 of Crying Shame
She rocked on her feet. “Are you serious?”
I needed to explain that it had been my choice. My skin was on fire. “I’ve had offers, but none of them were you.”
She cupped my face. “A long time? As in since college?”
“Since you.” I met her gaze.
I needed to show her she was all that had mattered to me. I’d dated before she agreed to go out with me, but once I pushed her away… I’d spent years wishing I’d made a different choice.
Tears formed in her eyes. “I wish… I was as pure as you.”
Tension rushed through me. “I’m not pure. I kept hoping you’d come back.”
She sobbed like I’d struck her and went to the stairs. “I… wasn’t looking for a relationship when I met Hunter.”
I glanced back and confirmed that Sam's bedroom door was closed. The last thing we needed was for Sam to overhear and think I'd upset her. The possibility already weighed on me. I motioned for us to head downstairs.
“It’s okay, Clarissa," I said. "What matters is that you’re back.”
She took my hand as we walking to the living room. A spark rushed through me.
“Other things matter too," she said. "My first mistake was named Dan, a guy in my building I hired to watch Sam for the hour between when day care closed and my shift ended. I mistakenly thought it was the perfect situation because it would be so easy to pick up Sam when I got home.”
Clarissa’s life with Sam sounded complicated, and I tensed. I needed her to know I’d never hurt her. I waved for her to join me at the bar. “Let’s get a drink.”
“Okay.” She walked over to me.
I poured two glasses of wine. “You don’t have to tell me anything.”
She took a glass and motioned for us to sit on the couch. “I want to tell you about Dan.”
We settled in, and she took a gulp and closed her eyes. I had no idea what she’d reveal. I was all pins and needles.
“I didn’t know he was a raging alcoholic. For almost a year, I let my son stay with him, and he kept Sam locked in the closet for the whole hour.”
I put my glass down, as I was angry that anyone had scared Sam. He'd mentioned that Dan was the worst, but I hadn't pressed him to tell me why that was.
Clarissa's face was red, and she shook. “He was three. He didn’t speak well, and when I picked him up, I just thought he was tired like I was.”
I pressed my hand on her shoulder. “I’m sorry.”
She laughed but then cringed. She was clearly nervous. I waited, and she patted my hand instead of swatting it away. “You didn’t do anything. It’s so hard to find good childcare.” She let out a sigh. “I was so angry, but there was nothing I could do. I hated that Sam had been treated that way.”
I picked up my glass. I was sure the past hadn't been easy for her. My skin buzzed. “I had no idea your parents neglected you.”
She sipped her wine. “Why would you? You had everything, and we were there to serve.”
I met her gaze. “It’s hard to imagine anyone ignoring you.”
She lowered her head. “Dan was the first time I failed Sam, but I never invited Dan into our house. It was easy to put him in the past because I’d hired him to babysit, not invited him into our lives, though the guilt haunts me.”
Our son had had a taste of whatever Clarissa had experienced. Hopefully, Sam was like me. I'd been four when Maman and Pedar took me in, but I have no real memories of life before that. I didn't like to think about it, as I’d been blessed, though I had a huge fear of losing everything, which paralyzed me into making mistakes.
Clarissa touched my face. For a second, I stopped breathing. She lowered her lashes, and I did the same.
Then she kissed me.
My entire body was on edge. I held her close. She was everything I wanted, but we needed to talk. I needed to know why she’d never told me about her parents when we were kids. The kiss ended, and I said, “Don’t, Clarissa. Sex won't heal us. When you and Sam were in hell, I should have been there.”
