Page 45 of Cocky M.D.
“What happened?”
I crossed my arms and continued to walk on the path, around the garden. “Nothing I want to talk about. Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure. What’s going on?”
How do I begin to explain how screwed up in the head I am and how it all started?“How did you stomach not loving our dad but being there for him and us?”
“Love doesn’t exist. I taught you that. The illusion that love is all we need is what’s wrong with the world.”
Right.But in proving that to Olivia, I’d caused her to leave. With Ruby, I’d just thought business deals were a ticket to my freedom, but maybe Olivia was right about listening to my heart. I wouldn’t feel so awful if it was some fantasy. My stomach was in knots. Despite what I'd said, I thought I had a heart, and she’d snuck past all its defenses. “Is that how you justify to yourself all of Dad's affairs?”
“I… Our relationship was always an arrangement. Contracts clear up little desires, and everyone wins when order is followed.”
No, they didn’t. I’d had order all my life. Olivia had told me exactly what she wanted—love. And I’d set out to set that belief on fire. My childhood played like a black-and-white movie in the back of my mind. “You had twelve sons, Mom. Yet Dad never even tried to be faithful. Weren’t you ever… I don’t know… jealous?”
“No. Well, maybe when I was young and foolish, but I learned and tried to teach you. You were always the one I feared didn’t listen. Is there someone else in Olivia’s life that you’re nervous about, son?”
My heart was heavy. I sighed and said, “No.”
“Did she find out about some fling of yours, then?”
“No.” My stomach did a little flip. Olivia had made me forget my life when she was with me.
“You were always the strange one, Johnny.”
I kicked a rock on the path and wished I’d somehow made a better deal with Olivia. “I know. Look, Mom, I need to go find Bradley.”
“Wait.”
I stopped walking and glanced up at the moon. “What?”
She spoke like she was reading something and I was a distraction. “I’m sending a wedding present. It should be there today.”
Right.It was like the night wanted to mock me. “Thanks, Mom.”
I returned to the house, as there was nothing else for me outside. Olivia haunted everywhere.
All the lights were off. It seemed I would eat dinner by myself. I didn’t have the heart to command my son to eat with me, so I cut into my steak made for one.
As I finished and returned to my bedroom, I realized I had even less than I did before I’d met Olivia. After Ruby had died, I’d had more responsibilities, but I ‘d been whole. It was like Olivia had taken a piece of me with her.
I cleaned myself then went to check on my son. He was lying on his bed, holding a book.
“Bradley, I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry.”
He sat up with energy and asked, “Are you going to Olivia’s to say you’re sorry?”
I went to his bed and tucked him in. “No, but I am sorry I hurt you.” I’d never had to apologize to a woman.
He turned away from me, holding the book like it was the most precious thing he had. “Doesn’t matter, Dad. When I turn eighteen, I’m free to get out of here too.”
My chest felt hollow, and I put my hand on his shoulder. “What?”
He choked out tears. I’d never seen him cry before. “Olivia left because you didn’t care. I can do that too.”
I leaned over and kissed his cheek, as I had no answer for him. “I love you, son.”
He wiped it off and curled into a ball under his blankets. “Yeah, right. I’m sure the next nanny you stick with me and hates me will be here tomorrow.”
