Page 43 of Wicked Cowboy
His shoulders squared like this was my execution as he geared up to tell me now that our wedding was off. “What do you want in your life that’s different?”
I trembled but then held onto the rail behind me so I didn’t seem weak. Maybe I could make this easier for both of us. I massaged the back of my neck and said, “I want to be here for Chelsea as we said.”
He paused like my words mattered to him and his voice grew lower. “So that’s why you want to marry me?”
The horses neighed in the barn as the moon grew brighter in the sky, along with the stars that twinkled.
Carter waved me to walk more with him, but I didn't move. “It’s part of the deal.”
Part of me hoped this conversation was over, but then he said, “You’re okay with a loveless marriage and don’t expect more from me?”
“That’s the plan.” Falling in love was a mistake. I’d known that, yet he clearly saw the secret inside of how I felt about him. I probably was in love with him, not that I’d ever say that. Tears threatened, but I relied on my training to push emotions away. I crossed my arms higher and asked, “I’ve been upholding everything we agreed to.”
“Whatever happens with us, this doesn’t seem like business.” His voice had a crack, but he finished, “I don’t know what’s happening, but it’s not part of the deal.”
I felt emptied and drained. I slowed down and wished, somehow, I could change this prescription, but I knew I wasn’t good for him. He wanted a simple deal and I wanted more.
Now, he’d seen through to my soul, but I said, “It’s not. Honestly, you’re the guy who stars in a girl’s dreams at night. I kept your picture with me because it was the only time I was ever next to a guy I’d be excited to see again.”
His eyes widened. Had I gotten into his head when he asked, “I’m positive you had options you avoided.”
Other men had never compared. I stared up at the sky and the stars shone brighter. “When I did bother to have a boyfriend, I wasn’t interested in staying home to make time for them. I thought, by marrying you, I’d find a place to do my part.”
He broadened his stance like he was in military formation. “So that was why you’re okay marrying a man who can never love you the way you deserve?”
Not entirely. He was already in my heart, not that I said that. I needed more, even when I knew it was impossible. I glanced up at the ceiling for guidance, but I realized, once my sisters married and had their own families, I’d probably be found alone, dead, in my home a week after I didn’t show up to a shift and someone finally called the authorities. I shook my head. “Chelsea is worth being here for.”
At the back door of his home, he reached for my hand, but electric static exploded and he pulled back like I burned him. “You deserve more. That’s why I think we should call this off.”
Of course. The wedding of my dreams canceled. I shouldn’t have told my sisters about the plan. I ignored how my heart shifted in pains, but I needed to hear him be clear.
My voice cracked as I asked, “Call what off?”
He stood in front of me like I couldn’t escape this conversation. “Getting married tomorrow.”
There. He’d said it out loud. He knew we’d not work out as planned. We both always knew that.
But I met his stony gaze and asked to be clear, “You want to cancel the wedding?”
He bowed his head and I knew in that moment we were done. I’d never be enough for him, so I crossed my arms and swayed as he said, “We’ll figure out a way to raise Chelsea where you don’t have to quit your job and become my wife. There are other options.”
“Like what?” Inside my soul was draining like used bathwater. I stood like I wasn’t exhausted to my core. “You didn’t want me to take her to Pittsburgh and she didn’t want to go.”
He stepped back like I'd shot him between the eyes. “I… I’ll support whatever you think is best, including transitioning her to your home if that’s what you decide.”
Damn. I'd ruin Chelsea’s dream unless I found a job near here. I’d run the risk of seeing him around unless we moved to Dallas and started over there. I needed to figure it out. I stared at the moon and hated that circle right now. If I could drop-kick it out of the sky to stop spreading light in the dark, I would and hope it stopped giving people false hopes. “She doesn’t want to move.”
“Maybe we can set up a transition period and get her used to the idea or whatever you think is the best way to protect her.”
The emptiness in my skin was whole. I was nothing in that moment. No words came out of my mouth. I couldn’t speak.
“Giving her to you is the best for her.”
"Why are you doing a one-eighty on this?”
“I know you now. You’re her best shot at being protected and loved.” His hands went into his pockets and his voice lowered, “And you don’t want to marry me, really, but I thought you wanted to be in Chelsea’s life.”
Damn. A tear escaped and its trail evaporated on my hot face.
