Page 33 of Big Island Moonlight
“That sounds great.” Her stomach was already rumbling. There wasn’t enough room left in there to eat much food at once, and it seemed like everything shedideat went straight to her baby. “Thank you.”
Emma left, and Juniper obediently put her things in order.
She filled the bookcase with her favorite novels and books on herbalism. Her towers of library books she divided between the living room and the bedside table. She hung all of her clothes in the open-air closet and stacked her growing collection of baby clothes – a mixture of hand-me-downs and transfer station finds – on the bedroom shelves. Her basket of yarn and box of knitting needles went in the corner by the couch. And that was it. All moved in.
She looked around at the home that had belonged first to Lani and then to Nell. Despite her aunt’s assurances, the place still didn’t feel like home. She felt more like a hermit crab with an oversized shell.
It was beautiful, yes. And she should be grateful. But she just felt… overwhelmed.
She needed to get outside.
The weather was glorious, blue skies and a strong breeze. She went through the orchard and into the big patch of mamaki that she had planted to keep up with demand. Weeding around the sturdy, subtly beautiful plants always calmed her nerves.
There were hibiscus bushes too, the variety that was harvested for tea. She had planted lemon balm and mint and stunning blue butterfly pea, bright orange calendula and bushy tulsi buzzing with bees.
If there was one place she always felt at home, it was there in her growing garden.
But even the fragrant herbs and flowers weren’t enough to calm her nerves that day.
She worked until she was light-headed with exertion and hunger – which didn’t take long at all, unfortunately. Then she sat in the shade and leaned against a tree, trying to catch her breath. Her lungs hardly had room to move anymore, and she felt right on the verge of a panic attack.
“There you are!” Emma appeared just as Jun’s feelings started to spiral out of control. Instantly, her panic settled. Not completely, but enough that she could breathe again. “Lunch is ready. I’ve been calling you. Are you okay?”
Juniper tried to speak, but the words stuck in her throat.
“What’s wrong?” Her aunt knelt on the grass beside her.
“What if I can’t do this?” she choked out.
“What do you mean?”
“What if I’m a terrible mother?”
Emma took her hand. “You won’t be.”
“You can’t know that!”
“Where’s this coming from, Jun?”
“What if I go crazy like my mom did?”
“Oh, Junebug.” Emma sighed and brushed an unruly curl away from Juniper’s face.
“She killed herself, Auntie Em.” The words were barely audible, little more than a whimper, but she could see that Emma had heard her. Unspoken thoughts whirled behind her eyes, like she might argue the point. “One way or another.Accidental overdose or deliberate… having a baby broke her. Both times. What if it breaks me too?”
“You are not your mother.” Emma’s voice was fierce as she took Jun’s face in both hands and looked her straight in the eyes. In the midst of all that green, her aunt’s eyes looked emerald-bright.
Hers must too, Juniper realized with a start. Her hazel-green eyes were just the same as her aunt’s. She had always favored the Flores side of the family, rather than her mother’s.
“You are strong, and you are capable, and you have support.” Emma released her face and stood. She took Juniper’s hands and hauled her to her feet. “All you need right now is a good meal. Come on inside.”
“Thank you,” Jun said weakly. She felt all wrung out.
“I’ve got you,” Emma promised. “Everything is going to be okay.”
12
Lani
