Page 33 of Big Island Sunset
“What’s wrong?” Emma asked.
“It seems like every good thing I want to do comes at the expense of some other important thing… or five. My life was already full to bursting before Mitch and I got divorced, and now… no matter what I cut out or which animals I sell, I can’t seem to catch up. Even seeing Liam once or twice a week – usually with the kids in tow – has been hard to manage.”
“You do so much. Homeschooling, homesteading, and now your meal delivery business…”
“It’s too much,” Tara said with a sigh. “I’m juggling it all for now, but there’s no room for error. No one to keep all the balls in the air if I’m sick or just need a few days off. It’s too much.”
Emma looked at her neighbor – really looked at her – in the dim light as they turned onto the main road. She was exhausted. Tara had always seemed borderline superhuman, but carrying so much was taking its toll.
“I want to be able to help Jun with the baby,” she said after a while, “but as things stand, I don’t know how I’ll be able to.”
“I’m here for Jun,” Emma said.
“Thank God for that, but I want to step up too. It’s my grandchild.” She sighed again. “And it’s my son. He wants to do the right thing – he’s a nervous wreck right now, to tell you the truth – but I can’t let him throw his whole future away.”
“Is he throwing it away,” Emma asked gently, “or building a new one?”
“I don’t know.” Tara shook her head. “I want him to have options, and supporting a family in Hawai’i ishard, even for full-grown adults. Don’t get me wrong, I know that Juniper deserves support. I want to help both of them. I just… I don’t know how.”
They were quiet for a while, sipping their tea as Tara drove the rest of the way down to the cliffs. The sky was lightening from black to blue as they started down the path to the coast.
“I blame myself,” Tara said after a while.
“What do you mean?”
“I thought that Cody was… I don’t know. I thought that he was responsible. He took on so much after Mitch left, and I let him. I told myself that it was a healthy part of growing up, and I tried to let him have space to do that. I didn’t want to micromanage him or breathe down his neck, but… I think I stepped back too far.
“I’ve been working sixty hours a week, and my one day off I spend with Liam. At first all the kids came with us, and we did one family adventure day each week… but ever since Juniper arrived, Cody started hanging back. He’d stay home each week when we went to the ranch.”
Emma tried to soothe her: “But thatisa normal part of growing up.”
“I should have been here,” Tara said emphatically. “I should have been more present.”
“What about me?” Emma’s chest churned with an uncomfortable mixture of self-deprecating humor and despair. “My brother sent me his daughter for safekeeping and she ended up pregnant.”
“You got thrown straight into the deep end. Juniper was already struggling when she got here. But Cody, he’s been with me every day of his life. I thought the teenage years would be easy, with such a strong foundation. And they were, for a long time.”
“He’s a good kid,” Emma told her.
Tara sighed. “So is Jun.”
They were quiet for a while, walking side by side as the trail opened onto the broad, flat expanse of the cliffs. The sky wasbrightening quickly now, but the sun still hadn’t crested the horizon. They turned left and walked north, weaving their way around pools of saltwater and high outcrops of rock.
“Neither one of them really understands what they’re in for,” Tara said eventually.
“How could they? Did you?”
Tara laughed, sounding exasperated. “No.”
“IthoughtI did,” Emma said. “I had managed classrooms full of kindergarteners for years. I thought that one baby would be easy compared to that.” She sighed. “It’s impossible to know what being a mother is like until you’re in it.”
“She’s so young,” Tara said mournfully.
“Yeah.” Emma sighed. “People keep saying that.”
“Their brains aren’t even fully developed yet!”
“It used to be normal, though. To have kids at their age. Think of how much more energy they’ll have while their kids are small.”
