Page 76 of Big Island Summer
Walking away from Ethan was getting harder and harder too.
She was in way over her head, and sheknewthat she was headed for heartbreak… but in that moment, she didn’t care. This was enough – it had to be enough. She would take what time she could get and deal with the emotional fallout when it happened.
“He’s out,” she said as she walked into the living room.
“What a little trooper. He must be exhausted.”
“He loves being outside, though. Especially up in that pack! I think he loves the view from up there.”
“Thank you for showing me that trail. I never would have known it was there – or even gone looking.”
“Thanks for coming with me.” Feeling like she had overstayed her welcome, Fern moved towards the door.
“Stay a while?” The words came out in a rush, and there was such vulnerability in his eyes, all she could do was nod. “I can make some lunch.”
“I’m not really hungry. I can stay a while, though.”
“Want to come through to the balcony?”
“Sure.”
They walked through Ethan’s room – the master bedroom Fern had shared with Chad. That felt like a lifetime ago, even though Ethan and Theo had just moved in earlier that summer.
He had done so much to the house in that time that it felt like a completely different apartment. The view was the same, though.
“I love it out here.” The breeze off of the ocean cooled her neck the moment she walked outside, and she took a deep breath of the fresh air.
“I feel bad that I took it from you.”
“I had to move out either way. I’m glad it was you and Theo that moved in.”
“Me too.”
She had been looking out towards the horizon, but he was looking at her, standing close enough to touch. When she turned to look at him, he didn’t step back or look away.
“Fern, when I’m with you,” Ethan faltered, took a breath, and pressed forward, “it’s the only time I feel okay.”
He frowned and ran a hand through his hair. It was twice as long as it had been when they met. Time in the sun had tanned his skin and turned his brown hair auburn.
“Those aren’t the right words,” he muttered, looking down into the yard. “It makes it sound like you’re a distraction, and that’s not what I’m trying to say.”
“What are you trying to say?” she asked softly.
“Construction projects, TV shows,thoseare distractions. And I’ve been doing plenty of distracting myself, believe me. But you and me… that’s something else. When I’m with you, that’s the only time I feel like I’m reallyhere. I hate being away from you, even when you’re just downstairs.”
He looked at her with something like fear in his eyes.
“I’m not totally off base, am I? If I’m crossing a line, tell me to shut up.”
Fern didn’t say a word. Instead, she reached out and wove her fingers through his.
Ethan let out a breath of relief.
“Maybe it’s too soon, and maybe it doesn’t make sense from the outside, but me and you and Theo… it feels right. When I’m with you, that’s the only time I feel like myself.” He looked at her with complete vulnerability in his hazel-green eyes. “You make me feel whole again.”
She put a hand up to his face and let herself feel the texture of his reddish-brown beard. She’d been wondering for weeks what it would feel like beneath her hand, on her neck… but she hadn’t really thought that he saw her that way. Even in that moment, she wasn’t sure.
Then he leaned in with a kiss that vanquished any lingering doubt.
