Page 67 of Big Island Sunrise
“Great.” Feeling about as excited as the kids, she went into the kitchen to pack some snacks.
The kids perked up as soon as they got to the playground, joining in on whatever game that the other kids at the park had going. Emma sat watching them laugh and run, but anxiety tainted her joy.
Going into town always reminded her how not-okay she really was.
When she was working in the garden or clearing cactus grass, she felt fine. Her body was busy with something that was both novel and physically challenging, and her mind settled into a temporary peace. If she worked hard enough during the day, she even slept well at night.
Getting out into nature worked too. She hadn’t mustered up the courage to swim in the ocean or get out on a hike – too much time alone with her thoughts – but adventuring with the kids was okay. She was always up for visiting a new nature spot with Lani.
But Pualena? Hilo? No thank you.
Quiet as those places were, it was still too many people. And Kona? Forget about it.
Roadside produce stands were okay, but even going to the grocery store felt like a trial. Crowded restaurants made her skin crawl. She had gone to the library once to get a card, and since then she just ordered stacks of books online and picked them up at the front desk, in and out.
Out in the world, she still felt like half a person, anxious and off balance.
Sitting on the park bench, she resisted the urge to escape herself by pulling out her phone. Scrolling through clips and pictures online was an easy time suck, but it was one that never left her feeling any better. She tried sitting with her feelings, being present with herself.
She’d rather cut cactus grass bare handed.
When the other families started to trickle home, she followed through on her promise of a treat. They drove the short distance to Haumona Shave Ice, a charming little wooden building with seating out front.
Rory practically climbed through the front window in her excitement at seeing her mother. Luckily she was equally exited - and distracted - by the prospect of shave ice.
“Can I have strawberry and blueberry?” Kai asked.
“Sure thing.” Lani gave him a wan smile. She looked exhausted.
“I want a rainbow!” Rory said.
“You can only choose two flavors,” Kai told her, pointing to the sign.
“Mymama will make me a rainbow.”
“Let me see,” Lani mused, looking over the bottles of syrup. “Strawberry, mango, lemon, lime, blueberry… I think I can do a rainbow.”
“Can I have one too?” Kai asked.
“Yep. Emma, you want a rainbow too?”
“I’ll takeliliko’iand soursop. And ginger, if you want to bend the rules for me too.”
“Good combo. You want ice cream?”
“No thanks.”
“I want ice cream!” Rory jumped up and down. “I want vanilla!”
“Okay, baby. Kai?”
“No thanks.” He wrinkled his nose. He and Emma both loved the homemade syrups over ice, but they’d yet to get on board with mixing shave ice and ice cream like the locals did.
“I want this table,” Rory shouted, running over to lay claim to one of the picnic tables.
“How are you doing?” Emma asked Lani as she stepped up to pay.
“One of those days. You?”
