Page 47 of Big Island Sunrise
“Me too.”
“He knows I’m from Hawai’i. I keep waiting for him to show up. He doesn’t have our address, but I keep expecting to run into him in town. I’ll see someone who’s the same height as him or has the same hair, just a glimpse, and my brain clicks into panic mode.”
“I’m so sorry,” Emma told her. “I’m sorry that we didn’t stay in touch. We were all wrapped up in our own life, to the point that it became a joke in my family. We lived in the same little town as them and I was still the absent sister, off in my own little world. It was always just me and Adam, and then me and Adam and Kai.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“But we should have tried harder. We should have known what was happening and been there for you.”
“I didn’t want anyone to know. I felt so ashamed. And it happened so gradually that half the time I questioned my own sanity. Hemademe question my own sanity. Gaslighting, love bombing. Emotional abuse.
“I kept in touch with some of my friends, and eventually I opened up to a couple of them, enough for them to have some idea of what was going on. They sent me memes, videos, articles. It gave me names for what was happening to me, made me feel less alone.
“I could have reached out to family. I could have come home to Hawai’i a long time ago. Or even California; I knew that you and Adam would have taken us in if I’d asked. But I hated that orphan feeling. I didn’t want to be the family charity case.
“I don’t know why I thought that living with Zeke was any better. Maybe because he wanted me there so badly. It didn’t feel like pity or charity, not at first.
“Later, of course, he was happy to lord it over me, everything that he had done for us. But in the beginning, he made it seem likeIwas doinghimthe favor by staying there. And I was convinced for a while that we could make a go of it. Be the happy little family, give my daughter the father that I robbed her of by being so irresponsible.“
“Don’t do that to yourself,” Emma said.
“But it’s true. I was reckless. I haven’t had another drink since, not since Rory.”
Emma reached out and took her hand. “You’re an amazing mom. She adores you. And you’re so good with her, with all of the kids.”
“That’s what I did on the cruise ships.”
“You worked with kids?”
Lani nodded and wiped her eyes. When she spoke again, her voice was brighter. “I worked in the kids club. It was a great job, up at the top of the ship with gorgeous views when nearly everyone else was stuck below deck. Just playing with kids all day. Eventually I ran the kids club on one ship after another, all over the world.”
“What about now? Do you want to go back to working with kids?”
She thought about that for a moment. “Not really. Being with Rory every day takes everything I’ve got and then some. I can’t imagine working with kids and being a single mom. That sounds doubly exhausting. I don’t know how ‘Olena does it.”
“I hear that. Before I had Kai, I had so much patience. I love kids.” She chuckled ruefully and admitted, “I thought that being a mom would be easy. But the older he gets, the harder it is. I have to work hard to stay patient now, even with other kids. I’m just tapped out. And since Adam, well.” She stared down into her tea as shame seeped through her chest. “I’ve lost my patience with Kai so many times.”
“That’s understandable.”
“Not to him.” She looked back up at Lani and changed direction. “So what do you want to do?”
“I don’t know. I can’t go back to working on cruise ships. It would kill me to go months without seeing Rory, even if I did have someone who was willing to take care of her for that amount of time. There are plenty of similar jobs on island, but not near here. I’m lucky to have a job at all, and serving up shave ice is kind of fun for now. But long term… I have no idea.”
“You’ll figure it out. You have time.”
“What about you?”
“What about me?”
“You were a kindergarten teacher before Kai, right?”
“I was.” She had taught a few different grades over the years, and she’d loved it. She loved the kids, their endless curiosity. But fighting for the best interests of her students in a system that seemed designed to crush their spirits had been exhausting. She had been happy to leave it behind for motherhood, determined to keep Kai out of the system that she had worked in.
“Will you ever go back to teaching?” Lani asked.
“I don’t think so. Maybe someday.”
“What’s next for you?”
