Page 8 of Double Dirty
Taking Rafe’s classes gave me some confidence, but the biggest change in my life was spending time with the guys. I called them ‘my boys,’ said it jokingly at first, but it felt like they were mine. Like after twenty-seven years of not having a family, I was suddenly part of one. They had a bond like brothers, and nothing could shake that. At first, I envied their closeness, the ease of their back and forth rapport, but then I found I could slip into the conversation and match them burn for burn. I felt fizzy and happy inside, sitting with them in the diner, making them laugh.
From that first class, Rafe had gone out of his way to make me feel safe, protected when he was around. I was drawn to him, his strength and sureness, his kindness. Then Leo came into the picture, invaded our cozy supper, all brash and conceited and hilarious. He was more outgoing where Rafe was sincere and serious. Leo was a joker who knew how good looking he was, but he was also a firefighter, a bona fide hero. I only resented him for about five minutes. Then I realized he was friendly and funny and only wanted to hang out with us both. When I saw he meant to includeme, to invite me along to spar at the gym, I warmed up to him even more.
For the past few weeks, we’d spent a lot of time together. I found myself looking forward to seeing them after work, dropping by the gym or going over to their house. I even fell asleep on their sectional once and slept over. I woke up with a hoodie thrown over me in place of a blanket, because it wasn’t like two guys had a lot of decorative throw blankets lying around the house. The truth was it had been the best night’s sleep in as long as I could remember because I hadn’t been alone. I hadn’t propped a chair under the doorknob or stuffed my trash bag of belongings under the bed where I could reach them if I needed to leave in a hurry. I knew when I woke in the night, not in my apartment but in Rafe and Leo’s living room, that I was secure. I was staying with a jacked personal trainer and a fireman, and I was safe as houses.
When I had to speak with Mr. Watts again, I had steeled myself for more confrontation. I’d run through all the verbal de-escalation skills Rafe taught me, planned to prepare an escape strategy and know all the exits. I even had Leo help me with a few practice drills—I made him grab my wrist, grab my arm, grab my purse to see if I remembered how to get away. I hadn’t asked Rafe because I didn’t want him to know I was worried, but Leo was too careful with me, gingerly taking my arm as if he was afraid to hurt me.
“You know Rafe leaves a bruise sometimes when we do this in class,” I said.
“What you guys do behind closed doors is none of my business,” Leo had quipped.
“It’s not like that,” I said. “We’re friends. All three of us. I’m not sleeping with Rafe. I thought you knew that.”
I felt myself blush. It wasn’t like I hadn’t thought about it. I had fantasized about Rafe, and about Leo, too. Even though I hated myself for it. They were both gorgeous, and they made me feel safe and cared for. I would never have done anything to come between them, and I had to keep my crushes to myself. But the last thing I wanted was for Leo to think Rafe and I were hooking up and feel jealous.
“I know that. I’m just giving you shit, same as I do with him. Relax, girl,” he said.
I laughed, feeling relieved.
“You know, I’ve talked to Watts on the phone a couple times. I even set up a visit for him and his daughter, but he didn’t show up. The point was I have nothing to be afraid of. On the phone he didn’t repeat the threats, I just have to do a walk through at the trailer and ask if he’s attending the parenting classes. I mean, the instructor said he hasn’t been there, but I have to ask him anyway. He’s part of my caseload.”
“It sounds like you’re trying to reassure yourself, not me. Come here,” he said.
Leo opened his arms. I hesitated for a second, felt color bloom in my face. Then I went into his arms and let him hold me. Just for a minute. Just because it was an indulgence I could allow myself. It didn’t mean I was weak and helpless. It just meant that I had a friend who was really kind to me. And maybe he didn’t realize that the coiled strength I felt in his wiry body made my heart thump faster, made a wave of heat roll through me. I wrapped my arms around his back and shut my eyes. I could have this, even just for a second. I could pretend it was real, could pretend it was more than just friendship and fondness. I shut my eyes and imagined for an instant that I knew him inside out, that I knew how to touch his neck in the way that wouldmake him groan and give in and put his mouth on mine. That he’d let me be with him, that I could be with Rafe, too. That somewhere there existed a fantasy world where I could love two men without hurting anyone or making anyone jealous or being called the thousand bad names there were for women who loved like that. Maybe a little sob shook my shoulders, and maybe Leo hugged me tighter.
“It’s okay. You don’t have to go back there. Just tell them it’s too much of a risk and refuse. They’d have to send someone else.”
I stepped back from him, out of his arms.
“No, they’d fire me for insubordination. I can’t. I know you don’t understand. Because what you’re saying makes sense. Anyone with half a brain wouldn’t go back there. But there’s a little girl involved, a little girl who needs her dad to be okay. I have to convince him to do what has to be done so he can get her back.”
“Whoever this kid is, she’s better off without him,” Leo said, stepping back from me. “Seriously, give me one reason not to kick his ass.”
“I’d lose my license. There are privacy laws to stop us from talking about cases and clients.”
“You could find a safer job,” he said, jaw set.
“This is what I’ve always wanted to do, Leo. I used to be that kid, the one who needed an advocate, someone to make her family straighten up so she could be safe. I was powerless then, but I’m not now. I can help. I have all these resources I can provide to help them.”
“Lexi, please,” he said then.
I saw it then, the macho posturing slipping just enough that I could tell he was afraid for me. I almost crashed against him, burrowed back into his arms.
“I’ll be okay. I’m strong enough to do this. And it meansthe world to me that someone cares enough to worry about me. I’ve never—no one’s ever done that before.”
I swallowed hard, wondering why tears stung at the backs of my eyes and why I felt this weird, buoyant surge of happiness just because Leo was concerned for me. Because I mattered to him.
I’d had friends before, people I hung out with in college and at my first waitress job, but they weren’t the kind that checked on you if you were sick or sad. They weren’t like this.
“You’ll call me if you need anything? And you promise that if you feel afraid or even a little weird while you’re there, that you’ll get in your car and leave?”
“I promise,” I said.
“Call me when you leave there. I just want to hear that you’re okay.”
“I will,” I said.
When I made the turn onto the dirt road, I was going over everything Rafe had taught me about verbal de-escalation and escape strategies. I planned to pull in, then back up to point my car toward the road and the driver’s door nearest me before I got out. I’d have my keys in my pocket. I had on running shoes instead of my usual flats. I had my hair twisted and pinned flat to my head so there was no ponytail for a handle. I had rehearsed what I was going to say, how I was going to be calm and conciliatory and offer him choices about how to proceed with meeting the court requirements. I was going to be brief and let him know that I was expected at another appointment in half an hour.
