Page 51 of The Duke and His Cinderella
“What am I to do?” Eleanor asked. “How am I to live with this? I want to walk away and never think of the duke again. I know it’s the right thing to do. Truly, Marina, I don’t think he cares for Lady Hannah in the slightest. I think he would be happy to be rid of her. But I know, too, that it’s not my place to make that a reality. I cannot be a wedge between the two of them. It’s unfair and improper, and I’ve thought of you and Jacob so many times. How angry I would be if anyone tried to do it to the two of you. Of course, you are in love with one another, so it’s a very different thing, but at the same time…oh, I don’t know what to do! Can it really be right to leave the gentleman I love trapped in a loveless arrangement?”
“What makes you so certain there’s no love between them? Can you really know that for sure?”
Eleanor didn’t wish to give away Phineas’ confession, not even to her sister. “I am certain,” she said. “I can’t say how it is I know, and I know that makes me harder to believe. But you are my sister. You must trust me when I say that I have complete confidence that I am right. He doesn’t wish to marry her. I believe he may well choose on his own not to do so.”
“Then let him choose it,” Marina said. “If he wants to end his engagement, let him do it. That’s his business, Eleanor, not yours. You can’t make the choice for him. You must realize that.”
“Of course I realize that. If I thought there was something I could do—if I thought I could help by my involvement—I would find it much easier to continue to involve myself. I wouldn’t have the mixed feelings I do about it. But I know that I’m crossing lines by doing what I’m doing. I know I can’t get him out of his engagement. He’s the one who’s going to have to make that decision, whichever way he decides.”
“Quite right!” Marina said. “I don’t know how you can imagine that it makes any difference whether hewishesto be engaged—the fact is that heisengaged, and unless that changes, you must keep your feelings a secret for the sake of decency!”
Eleanor felt tears begin to come. “I can keep my feelings to myself,” she said. “But I can’t wish them away. I’ll never be able to stop feeling this way. I’m afraid I’ll carry these feelings as long as I live.”
“They will fade in time,” Marina said gently. “Don’t worry, Eleanor. You’re feeling it so powerfully right now because the two of you are stuck in the same house. Once the party ends and he goes home, you will be able to relax and forget these troubles.”
“I don’t know that I want to forget them,” Eleanor admitted. “And I know how awful that is. I know how very wrong it is forme to indulge my feelings for the duke! I feel so guilty for feeling this way.”
Marina sat down on the window seat and put her arms around her sister gently. “You don’t need to feel guilty or ashamed,” she said softly. “You’ve done nothing wrong.”
“Of course I have. You know I have. We just discussed it. My attempts to position myself between the duke and his betrothed have been perfectly shameful! I should never have allowed myself to fall in love with him, Marina.”
“I’m not sure that love is something we allow,” Marina said. “It seems to me that love is something that happens to us whether we would like it to or not. And I see that you wish it hadn’t happened to you, and I’m sorry for that. But at the same time, you mustn’t be so hard on yourself for the way you feel. That’s something that can’t be helped. You can’t stop your feelings. Perhaps you would if you could, or maybe you wouldn’t, but it makes little difference because you can’t. All you can do is try your best not to let those feelings affect your actions. You must try to behave appropriately and to not allow yourself to interfere with the duke’s engagement. But as for your feelings about him, that’s something that can’t be helped, and something you mustn’t fault yourself for.”
“You show me too much kindness, Marina,” Eleanor sighed.
“You don’t show yourself enough of it,” Marina countered. “I think if our positions were reversed, if it was me saying the things you’re saying, you would tell me exactly what I am tellingyou. You’ve done nothing for which you need to be ashamed. Your closeness with the duke hasn’t caused any harm so far, so you don’t need to worry about that. Take a step back from him and everything will be all right, and you can continue to keep your feelings, as long as you can keep them to yourself.”
“Do you really think that’s all right to do?” Eleanor asked. “I’m not doing wrong by walking around in love with a gentleman who’s intended for someone else? It does feel as if it must be wrong—wouldn’t you object if you knew that some other lady was in love with Jacob?”
“I would object only if she insisted on telling him of her feelings or trying to come between the pair of us,” Marina said. “If I learned that another lady loved Jacob, I think I would have the greatest sympathy for her. I know myself how lovable he is, and I can only imagine how difficult it might be to have that love forever unreturned. I would feel sorry for a lady who loved him. I would not feel anger or hate toward her.”
“You’re a very good person,” Eleanor said. “I’m sure Lady Hannah does feel those things toward me.”
“Perhaps she does. But I don’t think she has any cause to. If you’re right that the duke doesn’t care for her, that’s of his own accord and not because of anything you’ve done. And if you’re wrong, she has nothing to worry about. If it puts your mind at ease,” she added, “I don’t think Lady Hannah likes me either.”
“She is a fool,” Eleanor said. “I know I shouldn’t speak so. But how could anyone fail to like you, Marina?”
“Well, it’s her own concern, however she feels about me, and none of mine,” Marina said. “I wish she would be kinder to the both of us. But just as you may love the duke as long as you keep it to yourself, Lady Hannah may like me or dislike me as she wishes. A lady is entitled to the whims of her own heart, Eleanor. Do not feel troubled by what yours is telling you. If you love the duke, then love him. You’ve done nothing wrong as long as you guard your heart and keep your feelings to yourself.”
Eleanor nodded. It did make sense. She didn’t think she had the power to stop loving the duke, and she wasn’t sure she would want to even if she could. Her feelings for him had made her feel alive for the first time.
But Marina was right. They must never amount to anything.
If she truly cared for him, shemuststand aside.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
“Let me have the mallet,” Lady Hannah said sharply. “I’m going first.”
Lady Eleanor grinned and passed the pall-mall mallet over to Lady Hannah. “Of course,” she said. “Whatever you’d like.”
Nicholas had to admire her for not giving Lady Hannah what it was obvious she really wanted—an argument. Lady Hannah was trying to find a way to be the center of attention, and it was obvious that Lady Eleanor wasn’t going to cooperate with that.
It was frustrating that the same group of people had assembled today for lawn games. It seemed to Nicholas that the seven of them had become a group that wouldn’t be broken up or infiltrated by anyone else. In a way, of course, it did make sense, because they were all around the same age as one another, and because there were so many natural connections among them. Lady Eleanor and Lady Marina were sisters. Lady Eleanor was close friends with Phineas, and so was Nicholas. Nicholas wasalso close to Jacob, who was Phineas’ brother and engaged to be married to Lady Marina. However you looked at it, the little group was a logical one to have formed.
The only thing that didn’t make sense—the only person who didn’t belong—was Lady Hannah. She was no one’s friend, engaged to no one, related to no one. Her only claim to this group lay in the fact that she liked to say that she was engaged to marry Nicholas, but because that engagement wasn’t real, there was no honest reason for her to be included in this apart from the fact that she was close in age to the rest of them.
Nicholas knew that he would have been having considerably more fun if she hadn’t been a member of their party. Many times, he had almost spoken up and ordered her away. But she wasn’t throwing herself at him today, and that was an improvement. Did he really want to start telling her who she could and couldn’t spend her time with? That didn’t seem to him like any of his business, much as he would have liked her to take herself somewhere else. He would have been much happier if she had simply left him alone, but apart from being a little grabby and unpleasant, there was nothing wrong with her behavior today.
