Page 67 of The Duke's Cursed Bride
“Just tell me what you really mean. What you really want.”
“It’s complicated, that’s all,” he said. “Come out for a walk with me. I think it would do me good.”
Madeleine nodded. If that was what he wanted, she would oblige.
“Does the dog need to be tied up to go out?”
“No, Sally’s obedient,” Madeleine said. “She’ll walk right next to me and come back if I call her, so we don’t need to worry about her getting away.”
“All right.” Thomas opened the door and led the way down the steps onto the lawn.
At once, Madeleine was glad he had come out with her. It was much darker out here than she had imagined it would be, much darker than the grounds back at Keller had ever been. Perhaps that was because of the trees around the perimeter of the property. There were no tall trees back at Uncle Joseph’s home. There was nothing to block the moonlight. But Westcourt was surrounded by large pines that made it hard to see, and without thinking about what she was doing, Madeleine found herself pulling closer to Thomas. It comforted her to be near him, even though she suspected it wasn’t such a good idea to indulge in that sort of comfort.
And when he reached out and put his arm around her shoulders, pulling her close—even though she knew she ought to resist—she didn’t pull away. She let him hold her.
This is what it would feel like if I had found myself a real marriage in which I was loved as a wife.
She knew now that that would never be possible for her. Thomas had made that clear with what he had said to her earlier today. All that talk about how her feelings were only natural and didn’t really mean anything, how she shouldn’t worry that she found herself drawn to him because anyone in their situation would feel like that, and it would probably go away given time…
Madeleine would never have expected to feel so hurt by such comments. She’d believed that she didn’twanthim to feel anything for her. And yet, when she had admitted her feelings to him, she realized she had been hoping he would tell her he returned her affections.
She was embarrassed, but more than that, she felt sad. She would have liked to think that he could love her, but it looked like that wouldn’t ever be possible.
It was heartbreaking, and she hadn’t believed her heartcouldbe broken like this. She hadn’t known she cared that much.
Horatia was right. I needed to figure out what I wanted. Now I think I’ve figured it out—but there’s such a big part of me that wishes I didn’t know.
Sally ran off ahead of them. Madeleine listened to her snuffling at the ground and smiled. Some things never changed. Her dog would always be the same loving, carefree animal she had been back at Kellet Estate. Sally had no idea of the upheaval the two of them had just gone through. As far as she was concerned, this was just a fun new bit of territory to explore.
“How long have you had her?” Thomas asked.
“Since I came to London,” Madeleine said. “She’s been my best friend for years. She was the one thing I couldn’t possibly have left behind. If you had told me not to bring her with me—”
“I would never have done that,” Thomas said. “I don’t want you to be unhappy here, Madeleine.”
Madeleine nodded. She believed that. Whatever else might be happening between herself and Thomas, she could at least believe that her happiness was something he desired.
Maybe that would be enough. Perhaps she could find a way to be happy here at Westcourt, and then she would forget all about the things she wouldn’t ever be able to have. She could forget the fact that she would never know real love and that she would never be a mother. She would forget about the recent realization that a part of her wanted those things, even though she had always told herself that she couldn’t have them.
Maybe.
She thought about pulling away from Thomas, but she couldn’t make herself do it. It didn’t matter, ultimately, that this couldn’t ever be anything more than what it was tonight. What it was tonight was still good, and she still wanted the comfort of his arm wrapped around her, the warmth of his body against hers.
She let her head come to rest on his shoulder.
He let out a little sigh. “This is nice, isn’t it?” he asked.
She nodded. “It is,” she said. “Thank you for walking with me tonight, Thomas. It really means the world to me.”
Right now, her nightmares felt very far away.
CHAPTERTWENTY-SEVEN
Eventually, the wind began to feel cold, and Madeleine started to shiver. Noticing, Thomas began to steer them back toward the house.
She hesitated in the foyer. “Should I go to bed?”
“What do you mean?”
