Page 33 of First Comes Marriage
Reshma wanted Haniya’s words to be true, she really did, but she couldn’t help that sense of fear from making its presence felt. That inner gremlin that told her that when it came to the crunch, Zafar wouldn’t choose her. He wouldn’t be there for her like she wanted or needed him to be. She couldn’t help the voice coming from deep inside her that told her that she hadn’t been good enough to heal the rift between her parents. The rift that had ultimately led to her mother’s demise. She hadn’t been important enough for her father or her mother’s parents. In times of weakness, the inner voice also told her that she’d been a necessary burden on Uncle Jawad and Auntie Bilqis, they’d had no choice but to take her in.
It stood to reason, then, that Zafar might also consider her an obligation, or a responsibility he had to bear but didn’t want to. Who was there in her life that had chosen to be with her with no responsibility, no obligation, no promise? All she had ever wanted in her life was for thatsense of belonging, that sense of being a part of something that would be incomplete if she wasn’t there, and she didn’t feel that way about any relationship in her life. As much as she loved her uncle and aunt, she wasn’t supposed to be with them. It was their kindness that had led to them making her a part of their family.
‘Be honest, Niya, do you think I’m ungrateful? For wanting to belong to a dynamic organically?’ Haniya’s face reflected the seriousness Reshma was feeling. ‘Uncle Jawad and Auntie Bilqis took me in and treated me no different to you and Shoaib, but I wasn’t supposed to be with them, was I?’ She laughed, but the sound held no mirth. ‘God, if they ever heard me, they’d be devastated, wouldn’t they? They’d hate me.’ She covered her face with her hands as her thoughts spiralled.
Haniya grabbed both of Reshma’s hands in hers. ‘You are not ungrateful, Reshma. I understand what you mean, though I’ll never truly appreciate it because only someone in your position would understand exactly what’s going through your mind. It doesn’t make you ungrateful and my parents could never hate you. Believe it or not, I think they’d understand what you’re saying as much as, if not more than, I do.
‘All these thoughts are going through your head because the last few days have had you questioning everything since you found out about Zafar and because Uncle Ahsan has turned up with his family. And I don’t think it’s a bad thing to allow these questions to crop up. What’s not great is if you let them consume you or answer them with that negative narrative of yours. Dust the negativity off, be bold and be brave. Give this a go. Besides, technically speaking, he’s on your turf. Make him work for your affection.’
Reshma looked at the glint in her cousin’s eye and felta flicker of confidence. Haniya was right. She needed to be bold and brave and let Zafar do what he had assured her he wanted to do. If he wanted to right his wrongs, then she would let him and, in the meantime, she would guard her heart from any further risk by keeping it locked away. She didn’t have to put it on the line. She didn’t have to fully invest in anything until and unless she wanted to.
She allowed a corner of her lips to lift. ‘You’re devious, Niya, but I happen to like your brand of deviousness. Let’s see what he does over the coming weeks. Not that I’m going to say anything to him. If I see a genuine effort, then I might give it a chance.’
‘Otherwise?’ Haniya lowered her eyebrows in consternation.
After a loaded moment of silence, Reshma shrugged her shoulders, leaving the question unanswered.
15
Zafar
It had been just over a week since Zafar had been in Mombasa and at times it felt like he’d been there for ages and at others it felt like he’d just got there. It was strange, to say the least. He couldn’t remember when he’d last had this much free time and while he felt more relaxed than he had in a long time, he felt guilty for sitting there and not doing anything productive.
His grandfather had always loathed idleness, and instilled those sentiments in Zafar, pushing him to use his time wisely because only a fool squandered such a valuable commodity. Zafar had never stopped to think on those words or challenged them, but now, as he gave them thought, he could see that it was a very harsh way of thinking, that put no stock in pausing, or resting the mind and body. Or sharing the smaller moments with loved ones or pursuing hobbies and pleasures a busy schedule didn’t allow for.
With that thought in mind and no wedding-related plans for the day, Zafar decided to do something different with his day. His grandmother thought his idea was perfect, though she wasn’t up for joining him, saying she was going out for lunch with her friends. He just had to see if Reshma was up for it.
He found her in their bedroom, folding a basket of her clothes.
‘What’s the plan for today?’
She looked his way as she folded a T-shirt. ‘Laundry first and then I’ll see if Niya or Saleema want to do face masks.’
‘The mask that makes you look like something out of a horror film? It’s just got eyes and a slit for your mouth and nose.’ Zafar shuddered.
Reshma stared at him open-mouthed, the kameez in her hand forgotten. ‘I do not look like that. So rude!’
He grinned at her. ‘You don’t see yourself with it, sweetheart. You struggle to talk properly with it as well, adding to the weird factor.’ He bit the inside of his cheek as he saw Reshma pause, her cheeks tinged pink.
She finally came out with, ‘It makes my skin glow.’
‘You’re already beautiful. If you look any prettier than you do, Romeos like your little friend Haroon will be harder for me to fight off.’
Reshma looked at him with wide eyes. He had no idea where that had come from, it had been completely off the cuff and he could feel his own cheeks going warm.
He cleared his throat and rushed through what he had initially come up to ask her. ‘Would it be possible to postpone any plans? I thought we could do something today.’
Her eyebrows knit together as she resumed folding her kameez, her hands not as steady as they had been moments earlier. ‘Such as?’
‘It’s a surprise.’
‘I’m not sure how I feel about surprises anymore, Zafar.’ She was very matter-of-fact and he didn’t blame her.
‘It’s a good surprise, I think. And if you don’t agree, I’ll … I’ll do one of those scary masks with you. But I’m counting on you to be honest and tell me if you genuinely like the surprise.’
‘You’ll do a face mask?’
He nodded and though she looked sceptical, she agreed.
