Page 28 of First Comes Marriage
‘Oh.’ There was a collective groan from the gathering and in the next few seconds, phone lights came on, lighting up people’s faces as they held them aloft.
‘I had better go and see what’s happened,’ Khalil said as he stood up and Shoaib followed him.
‘I’m going to go and check on Daadi.’ Zafar moved away too, and in the faint light, Reshma watched him go, the confidence in his stride in complete contrast to how he’d been moments ago when answering questions about her.
She knew it had made him uncomfortable because he hadn’t known all the correct answers. It proved her point that he had no interest in her and he hardly knew her. So why was she feeling bad for seeing him feeling so uncomfortable and dejected?
Once again, Reshma felt conflicted when it came to him. Why she couldn’t emotionally detach from him, she couldn’t understand and it had her feeling on edge.
The lights came on after a short while and there was an audible sigh of relief. Reshma left Haniya chatting with Saleema and Nomaan and made her way back into the garden where the games had been set up. She saw Daadi sitting with Auntie Bilqis and Auntie Ruqayyah in a grouping of chairs. After checking in with them, she looked around but saw no sign of Zafar.
‘Daadi, have you seen Zafar?’
Daadi looked around just as she had. ‘He was here a moment ago, checking if all my fingers and toes are wherehe left them, what with the power cut. I can’t imagine he’s gone too far.’
Reshma nodded and ambled towards the entrance to the garden, stopping every few minutes to exchange pleasantries with people she went past. At the entrance was a big floral display spelling Saleema and Nomaan’s names, the S and N intertwined and a big cheesy heart behind it. It looked cute. There was a small table with a guest book and a pot of pens on it and that’s where Reshma found Zafar. He wrote something and then closed the book and replaced the pen.
‘What message have you written?’ she asked as she approached him.
It was the first time she was initiating conversation with him with no one around them watching. He looked her way, startled, as though he hadn’t heard her approach.
‘Just best wishes for their future. I’m in no position to be offering any advice or giving them any tips. In fact, maybe I should take a notebook and get some tips from them about how to be a good partner.’ His voice was strained and laced with weariness. He sat against the table, folding his arms across his chest.
Reshma went and stood next to him, resting her backside at the edge of the table but keeping some distance between them. ‘Since when are you such a pessimist? That’s not like you.’
‘See? You even know that about me.’ He laughed, but the sound held no humour, filled instead with sadness and frustration.
‘Zafar, I—’
‘It was more proof of what a failure I am. Everyone’s under this illusion that I’m the perfect son, grandson, brother, et cetera, et cetera, but what they don’t knowis how, in every relationship, I’ve failed people. I’m not perfect, Reshma. Far from it.’
‘Who is? People say comparison is the thief of joy, but I think perfection is just as much a thief of joy. If you set out to seek perfection, you’ll forever be searching for it, Zafar. It’s not about being perfect by someone else’s standards. It’s about being true to your own. Making an honest effort and following through with that. To me, showing up and doing that counts for more than being perfect according to artificial standards.’
He shook his head. ‘I’ve not even done that though, have I? Not when it comes to you.’
Reshma opened her mouth to respond, but then closed it. What was she going to say to that? He wasn’t wrong and to say something perfunctory to reassure him would be unfair.
‘So, now what?’ she asked, sotto voce.
He didn’t say anything, just looked at her intently as she did the same. Those tired lines that had bracketed his mouth were present, though she could swear they hadn’t been as prominent over the last couple of days as they were now. His eyes held no brightness and he looked downright exhausted. His shoulders were hunched forward slightly, as though they carried the weight of the world, and for Zafar, they did. He carried the weight of his entire family on those shoulders, every day of the week, month and year. Family traditions, his grandfather’s legacy, his work and the family business, everyone’s expectations. Every single person she knew in his circle had expectations of this man and, as a result, he had extremely high expectations of himself. When did a man like that ever take that burden off his shoulders and just breathe, or do something for himself? Where were his own dreams in all of this?
Reshma swallowed as that thought took root in her brain, moving her gaze from him to look at her sandals. How was this the first time she was seeing him inthislight? She’d never really paused to see how many different directions he was being pulled in. All she had seen was that he hadn’t taken any steps in her direction, and while she hadn’t been wrong in that, she was big enough to acknowledge that she hadn’t considered the whole picture from his perspective.
He sighed. ‘It’s always been the way. When I tried to be a good grandson, I failed as a son and as a brother. When I tried to be a good brother, I failed as grandson. I try to be a good businessman and thus grandson and I fail as a husband. It’s almost like it’s impossible for me to win in any scenario.’ He turned to look at her and Reshma saw utter sadness on his face, making her heart stutter.
She swallowed the immediate lump that had come to her throat, robbing her of the ability to speak. She’d never thought of Zafar as a shallow man, but she’d also never expected such a depth of complexities in him. She’d fallen for his outward appearance of confidence and surety, just like everyone else and the realisation didn’t leave her feeling great.
Her thoughts were cut short as she heard voices approach them and suddenly her father’s children came around the corner and stood in front of the flower wall. Sakina went through a box of props and pulled out oversized glasses and put them on before handing one brother a Stetson and her other brother a multicoloured wig.
They were at an angle where she and Zafar weren’t in their direct line of sight as they took various pictures, their excitement clear to any onlooker. Two minutes later, their parents joined them and Reshma felt her breath hitch in her chest as they all stood together and took a family shot. The symbolism of being on the outside not lost on her.
13
Zafar
Reshma’s eyes were on Ahsan Mir and his family and Zafar’s eyes were on Reshma. He watched her as the colour slowly leached from her face, leaving it pale.
Ahsan took pictures with his wife and kids, with just his wife, with his sons and then with his daughter. Well, his younger daughter. His elder daughter stood beside Zafar as stiff as a board, as though the slightest movement might shatter her.
