Page 38 of First Comes Marriage
If she could, Reshma would have lowered her eyebrows further, but she couldn’t. Her jaw ached from the tension she was holding in it.
‘Before that dark time, I used to be the apple of my grandfather’s eye. I could do no wrong and Ididn’tdo anything wrong.’
Zafar bowed his head as he shook it and then lifted it to look at the sky. The delineation of his jaw showed the tension he was holding in it and Reshma felt her fingers tingle with the need to ease his pain. To put a reassuring hand on that granite-hard jaw and help him find a sense of peace, but she held back, keeping her hands around his arm and willing some warmth into him as he took a deep breath.
He had said it wouldn’t be easy listening. She’d just not appreciated how hard it would be for him to say it.
‘I tried to reason with him, told him that it was unfair and unreasonable to force Safiya to do something she didn’t want to do. She wanted to travel, work, experience life. She certainly didn’t want to emigrate, leaving behind everything that was familiar to her for a complete stranger and his family in a country which she didn’t think of as home like our grandparents did.
‘For the first time in my life, I stood toe to toe with my grandfather. I argued with him. Not just for Safiya but for the others too. I challenged him and, in the end, I lost. I failed my cousins, my brothers and, ultimately, I failed myself. We came here for Safiya’s wedding and that was the last time we saw her. When we got back to London, Qais left home and my uncle and aunt moved away too. And on the back of all of that, I walked outof the family business and home and told my grandfather that he could take care of it all himself how he saw fit. I wanted no part of it.’
‘You left home too?’ Reshma didn’t know how, but every new facet of this story was shocking her afresh. It sounded unlike anything she could have imagined, and she’d thoughtherlife story had been complicated. ‘What did you do? Where did you go?’
For the first time since he’d started telling her about this part of his history, she saw the beginning of a genuine smile on his face as he glanced at her. ‘Murad Aziz came to my rescue.’ He laughed and this time there was honest humour in the sound. ‘I stayed with him for a bit until I found myself a job and then, when I could afford it, I rented a place. Murad and his parents helped me a lot at the time. Of course, I was in touch with my brothers and Mum and Daadi, but my dad didn’t want to upset his own dad so we didn’t really keep in touch. Though my mum used to tell me that he always asked after me. I lost contact with Qais and I felt too guilty to keep in touch with my uncle and aunt.’
‘But you eventually went back home, obviously.’
‘I did.’ His smile dimmed. ‘Three years later. My grandfather’s health had declined a great deal in that time and he suffered two heart attacks back to back. Thankfully, he survived, but they weakened him a great deal. He saw his end in sight and wanted to reconcile with his estranged grandchildren. Only one of us responded.’
‘You.’
He nodded. ‘Me.’ He blew out a breath, fatigue evident on his face. Reshma herself felt pretty exhausted. It felt like they’d had a thirty-six-hour day rather than twenty-four. ‘He called me and I came back, taking my place ashis right-hand man for the rest of his life and doing what he’d always wanted me to do. The crazy thing is, when I saw him, I felt guilty for having done what I did. I saw another person I’d failed.’
Zafar’s previous words flashed in her mind like lightning.I’ve been a failure as a husband, I’m well aware of that.
And he hadn’t just said it once. He’d repeated himself.
This man, who she thought was infallible, had such a deep insecurity and she’d had no idea. In the past year, she’d not seen a single sign to suggest he felt insecure about anything, let alone being a failure. She’d been pretty quick to point out his lack of interest in her, but how much effort had she made to get to know Zafar on a deeper level? To know what his past was made up of. She’d always assumed he’d had a glorious life, filled with an abundance of all the good things that were on offer to a privileged young man who was loved by all. Not in her wildest dreams would she have imagined the things he’d spoken about this evening. She heard him take an audible breath before he spoke again.
‘He passed away a year before we got married. In fact, our marriage was one of the last things he arranged. He’d learnt his lesson with Safiya and didn’t force the matter, but I knew it was what he wanted and …’ He went quiet.
‘You didn’t want to say no to him. I get it.’ She didn’t have to like it, but she got it.
Reshma watched him as his cheeks took on a peachy hue. This bit didn’t really come as a surprise to her. She knew he hadn’t agreed to marry her because he was in love with her or she was his choice of partner. She knew their match had been arranged. She was very much his grandfather’s choice – dying wish even – and so here they were. Except for her, it was more than the fact that Zafarwas someone her uncle and aunt had chosen for her. She had chosen him too.
All the people in her life that had shown her affection, acceptance and love had been people who didn’t have a close bond with her. People like her aunts and uncles, her cousins and Daadi. Those who actually had a closer connection with her were the ones who she was least close to. Where she got the least attention. The least love. Her parents – though her mother had never really got the chance to forge a relationship with her before she’d lost her. But her father had had a chance and had chosen not to take it. None of her grandparents had bothered either.
And then there was Zafar.
Her husband.
The man she’d thought would prove to her that she was worthy of a close relationship, cherish her in a way she had always desired deep down. But that hadn’t happened. He had broken her heart and her dreams, and even though she felt the tentative flicker of a connection right now, she couldn’t let herself be in the position of opening herself up to more heartbreak. She couldn’t and wouldn’t let it happen again.
17
Zafar
Zafar pushed himself harder, kicking his legs every other stroke for momentum. He could feel the strain in his muscles as he pushed, but he welcomed the burn because it gave him something else to focus on instead of taking turns in thinking about his turbulent family history or the feel of Reshma pressed against him.
To be fair, between the two, he would prefer to fixate on thoughts of Reshma, but he knew that way lay trouble of a different kind than ruminating on his family history and the pain that struck him anew whenever he thought about it.
The funny thing was, whenever he let his mind wander free with thoughts of Reshma, his thoughts would circle back to his grandfather anyway because he was the one who had chosen her for him. He’d also been the same person to strictly warn him against letting someone become so important to him that she consumed his thoughts. Because if she was consuming his thoughts, then who was taking responsibility for the family or the business? Another one of his grandfather’s great life tips.
When his arms began feeling like they were made of lead, Zafar moved to tread water, allowing himself to bob in the Indian Ocean. He’d forgone a swim in the pool todaybecause Daadi had company at their villa. Reshma had come with him and decided to walk while he swam. He saw her now, moving through the shallow waves, their things piled on the blanket they’d spread further up the beach.
He slowly swam towards her and when he was close enough, he began wading through the water, his legs still burning. He got to her and she gave him a shy smile which made his heart skip a beat. Zafar remembered her giving him smiles like that after they’d got married, shy and tentative but hopeful. But then they’d stopped and, the fool he was, he hadn’t even realised when that had happened. He’d been too busy focusing on those responsibilities of his instead of on her.
His grandfather had always drummed the importance of focus into him and he’d said that distraction of any kind should be eliminated before it became a liability and Zafar had taken most of his lessons to heart. Except he was now coming to the realisation that not all of those lessons were correct but it was hard work breaking a lifetime of teachings.
