Page 252 of Storm over the Caribbean
“Hardly.” One corner of her mouth twitched. “In my dreams you wear fewer clothes.”
My mouth dropped open.
Did she just…
Of course she did. She was my littleifrit.
“This is serious!” I growled. Arms trembling, I forced myself forward, doing all I could to get closer to her. Except…she was still so far away. The distance seemed to be growing with every inch I moved, and the cave swayed beneath me. “You don’t know how to find food in this place! You don’t know what dangers you could encounter!”
“Then why don’t you tell me?”
Stubborn as ever, she raised her chin. No…both chins. That…wasn’t right? Since when did my wife have two chins? Or two everything for that matter. And now there were three?
“I…I’m trying to. I just…just…” I blinked. Suddenly, the world seemed…off. Why was everything blurry all of a sudden? I wouldnotwaste money on glasses! “L-listen here. Here’s what you have to do…”
“Yes?”
“You… you have to pin the banana peel to the top hat.”
She blinked. All three of her. “Pardon?”
Couldn’t she even understand something so simple? The banana peel would obviously make the hat a far more nourishing meal for a pregnant woman. Then she could give birth to a big, strong orangutan…
I frowned. Something didn’t seem quite right with that line of thought. Though I couldn’t quite figure out what.
Oh, well. Shrugging, I smiled. What was there to worry about, really? The world was such a beautiful, happy place. What could possibly be wrong?
Right! I should tell my wife how amazing the world was!
“And…and…you’ve got to look at the pretty clouds…and the bunnies hopping in the sky…oh…so pretty…”
“We’re inside a cave. There’s a ceiling above us, not a sky.”
And? Who says there couldn’t be sky-ceiling? My darling wife was so conservative in her thinking. She really needed to loosen up.
“Makes it even more pretty!” Smiling widening, I waved at the ceiling covered in pretty clouds. “And there’s a pink cloud! And a green one! And a pin-striped one.”
“You’re still high as a kite, aren’t you?”
“Most certainly not, Mrs Lamb Roast! I am perfidiously crane! I mean…perfectly lame! Incorrectly sane! I…I…”
Falling forward, my face slammed onto the floor. And what a pretty floor it was. Covered in such pretty stars and unicorns. As I listened to my wife give orders to her new pet dog and the dog answer in some kind of weird French dialect, I hoped she would be back soon so I could show her the pretty unicorns. I was sure she would appreciate it!
All Right, that’s It! You’re Fired!
(Chapter 18, “Mrs Ambrose, the Caring Cave-Wife”, from Mr Ambrose’s Perspective)
***
Splash!
I had been woken up many different ways during my lifetime. With loving care. With a not-so-loving brick to the face. Face-first in horse muck.
“Wrrg! Gk!”
Being drowned by my wife was a new one, however.
Spluttering and spitting, I wiped the water out of my eyes and glared up at her.
