Page 87 of Derailed
25
Jess
I’ve spentthe last four days hiding out in the bedroom and still Sean’s gone. With each day that passes, my anxiety grows. His absence feels like a punishment, but it’s one I deserve. It’s my fault heleft.
My bruises barely show; my body is healing much faster than my mind ever will. Under the pretense of being sick, I’ve allowed myself more time to think, but I’m not sure if that’s a good thing. I can’t find peace within for what I’ve done. I can’t forgive myself for pushing Seanaway.
I sleep in Coy’s bed but we haven’t had sex. Not since being with Sean. I tell Coy it’s because I’m hurt and use his distaste for the ugly yellowing marks on my skin to my advantage. They’re evidence of his own demons—ones he’d rather not face. He’s sorry, but he’s also embarrassed. He’s always reserved his anger for me, but this time he’s given his bandmates a glimpse at his darkerside.
Sad as it is, my physical bruises aren’t why I push Coy away. I can’t get over the feeling that sleeping with him would be a total betrayal to Sean, and that’s something I can’t bring myself to do. Even forCoy.
I don’t ask if he read my notebook. I don’t say much to him at all. I feign sleep each time he comes in after long hours in the studio, and for whatever reason, he letsme.
I haven’t run into Deb once, though she knocks at the door each evening and leaves a plate of food. I’m an expert at fading into nothing, a skill I’ve practiced my whole life. But she’s the only one who seems to notice I’m still here. I miss her friendship, and that’s the reason I push myself to get dressed to join her outside this morning rather than continuehiding.
I shove my hands into the back pockets of my shorts and chew my bottom lip as I step off the back patio toward the garden. “Need anyhelp?”
Deb glances up and squints against the sunlight. “Sure.” She takes me in a moment and gives a nod. “Why don’t you help me weed this section. I’m almostdone.”
I wiggle my fingers into the fabric of my gloves and kneel across from her. My shades afford me protection from both the sun and her calculating stare. The smell of the freshly tilled dirt invigorates my soul. I’ve come to love gardening. There’s a joy in caring for what’s planted so it cangrow.
“Feeling better?” The way she asks, I wonder if she doesn’t buy that I’ve been ill. “Trent says you’ve been fighting off one hell of abug.”
“Oh, yeah.” I nod and pick out a few weeds. “Much better. Thankyou.”
“I’ve missed your help. Not that I can’t do this alone, but I’ve gotten quite used to your company, Jess. I’ll miss you when you go ontour.”
I pause and glance up. “Me, too.”I’d rather stay here. The words beg to be let out, but I press my lips together and reach for another weed. I’m not looking forward to the upcoming tour. I’m dreading it, but I don’t know what else to do. I don’t have many options. It’s not as if I can stay back and survive on myown.
“Hey, Jess?” Bedo’s sharp voice calls across the lawn. I didn’t think he even knew my name. “Can we see you in here for aminute?”
His request fills me with dread. I don’t know what he wants, but my gut tells me it can’t be good. “Oh, yeah. Sure.” I blow out a breath to calm my racing pulse as I peel off my gloves. “I’ll be rightback.”
“Take your time. I’ll be here.” Deb’s reassuring smile settles myapprehension.
Inside, I find Bedo and one of the girls from Off Track waiting in the living room. He taps on the phone and doesn’t glance up at my approach. “Have a seat.” He presses a button on his cell and sets it down to motion toward the opencouch.
“Sure.” I step around the low table and sink into the plush cushion. This feels very much like being called to the principal’s office as a child, and I tuck my fingers under my knees so I won’tfidget.
“We’re a little confused and hoping you can help us out.” Bedo points at the young woman across from him. “This is Erika. She handles PR issues and other projects for us. I’ll let herexplain.”
Erika smiles and meets my gaze. “Did Coy tell you about the tour stops, and the music festival inCanada?”
“Yeah.” I fight the urge to pull my bottom lip between my teeth. Her smile is warm, but Bedo’s narrow stare bubbles my growinganxiety.
“We had a little hiccup with your passport application. I’m sure Coy wrote down a wrong number on the application. Maybe marked the wrong month or something. We’ll figure it out, and we have people who can rush it through, but we’ll need a copy of your birth certificate and social security card.” She blinks expectantly. “Can you grab those forus?”
“Oh, um. I don’t have them.” Their stares make me wonder what exactly Coy told them or what he wrote on that application. “Coy said it wouldn’t be aproblem.”
“You don’t have a birth certificate?” Bedo’s eyes widen and he exhales in arush.
“Coy didn’t tell you?” I can’t believe he did this. Anger along with irritation boils beneath the fear that I’ll finally have to face what I’ve been avoiding since I was sixteen years old. “They were lost. In afire.”
“Okay. When and where did that happen?” Bedo turns to Erika and bugs his eyes. He doesn’t even try to hide his annoyance. “This gonna be aproblem?”
“We can expedite replacements.” She nods, her pen posed above her notebook. “Jess, what state were you bornin?”
This is it. I can lie and delay the inevitable with the hope my past won’t catch up, or I can come clean, tell the truth, and face it head on. For the first time in my life, I realize I’m tired ofrunning.
