Page 62 of Derailed
“I know you do.” She nods toward my half-eaten plate of food. “Now, why aren’t you with the boystonight?”
I shrug because there’s no point in hashing out the real reason with her. “I didn’t feel likeit.”
“Hmm. . .” She raises her eyebrows like she doesn’t believe me.Crap. Are all moms given the gift of Spideysense?
“What?” I feignstupidity.
“Nothing to do with Jess?” She tilts her head and pins me with a glare. One that says she’s on to me and I’m not near as sneaky as I’ve tried to be. Oh hell, there’s no use in skirting thesubject.
“It’s pointless to lie to you, since you’ll only call me out on my bullshit. I like her, Deb, and I don’t know what to do about it.” Stabbing a piece of chicken, I pop it into my mouth so I won’t saymore.
Her stare softens and she exhales with a sad smile. “You can’t saveher.”
“From him? Why not?” My brows pull together because this is not the answer I expected from her. Not from someone who raised her son without the help of his absent father. Not someone so strong andindependent.
“She has to save herself.” She shakes her head but doesn’t drop my stare. “Waiting around to pick up the pieces won’t make her wholeagain.”
“So, I’m supposed to watch him rip her to shreds? And then what?” My anger toward Coy comes back full force, like a wave crashing in with thetide.
“I don’t have an answer for that. I’m only saying you can’t swoop in and save the day. No matter what happens, she can’t offer you something she doesn’t offer herself.” Her sad smile is back and she shrugs before meeting my gaze again. “Love.”
I hate the look of pity that’s in Deb’s stare. I don’t agree. “Jess is one of the kindest, most selfless people I know. You’re saying she’s incapable of love? I don’t buyit.”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying.” She purses her lips and leans forward on the granite countertop. “Sean, I like Jess. I see her beauty and potential as much as you do, but that doesn’t matter because she doesn’t see it in herself. As long as she believes she’s unworthy of goodness, she’ll continue to allow others to treat her thatway.”
I nod, finally understanding what she means. I’ve been going at this all wrong. I’ve been trying to take care of Jess in a way Coy doesn’t, when she really needs to take care of herself. That might not be something I can do, but I can encourage her. Champion her hopes and dreams. Like one of the plants in Deb’s garden, I can’t make Jess bloom, but I can make sure the sun shines, and chase out any fucking rodents that eat away at her self-confidence.
“Sean . . .” Deb’s lips pinch together with disapproval as if she can read my thoughts. “Be careful. This isn’t only about you and a girl. You have theband.”
“Yeah, yeah.” I wave her off. “I won’t fuck it up. Promise. Now, don’t you have a date? Don’t want to be late for . . . What’s his name again? First and last?” I keep my stare casual and my tonelight.
She laughs and shakes her head. “I didn’t tell you. Goodnight!”
“Home before midnight, missy!” I point at her with my fork as she turns togo.
“Don’t wait up,” she calls over her shoulder with achuckle.
Good for her. Deb deserves someone special. More power to her if she finds him through a dating site. She’s a smart woman, so I’ve no doubt she’s being safe about it, but to ease my worries I grab my phone off the kitchen counter and send her a text, just a reminder that she has my number if she needsme.
I finish my meal and clean up my plate, but that only takes a few minutes and once again I’m bored, wide awake and restless from my afternoon nap, and can think of nothing except the girl upstairs, one door down from myown.
No, Sean.I caution myself for the hundredth time and decide I need to get out of the house, even if it’s only to look at the stars. I grab another beer from the fridge on my way out back, and wander down the stone paved path to the oversized lounge chairs I always find Jess occupying after my morning runs. The space is empty without her, but the lovesick fool that I am feels closer to her by sprawling out on one of the seats and gazing up at the nightsky.
Peaceful. Still. I appreciate the expansive open view. Up here in the hills the stars shine brightly over the city below in an otherwise perfect night. Perfect if I were sharing it withJess.
Seconds turn to minutes, passing with each breath as I try for once to not get lost in my thoughts and worries about what will be. I don’t look at my phone either, refusing to numb my thoughts with hours of pointless scrolling. Instead, I surrender each minute as the gift it is, for the things I cannot change, and find peacefulness in mysolitude.
A triangle of light casts out from the back patio, and draws my gaze to the opening of the back door. Jess stands, a silhouette in the doorway, and for a moment I wonder if she’s come for me. Does she know I’m waiting for her? That I’d wait my entire life? The door closes and my eyesight adjusts as her frame moves cautiously down the same stone path I traveled only a little while ago. She must know I’m here. That must be why shecame.
“Jess.”
“Jesus!” She startles and the word rushes from her lips withfear.
Shit.She didn’t know I was here. “It’s just me,” I say and stand up from thechair.
“Yeah.” Her hand rests on her throat. “I realize that.Now.What are you doing outhere?”
Waiting for you.That’s what I’d like to say, crazy as it is, but instead I go with something more reserved. “Searching for perspective.” It’s just ashonest.
